Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Demons" by Nan [SG-1 exits the Gate on Medieval Christianity World.] O'Neill: So... many... trees... Arrrrrgh! Teal'c: At least we're breathin'. Carter: About twenty minutes from now you'll be sucking pond water. Teal'c: Indeed. Daniel: Hey! I didn't read the script that far ahead yet! Carter: Meh. O'Neill: There's a village about 11 kilometers thataway. Daniel: Anyone else notice that this path is awfully well worn? O'Neill: I'm still peeved about the trees. [They see a church.] O'Neill: A church. Carter: Whoa, "First Commandment" flashback... O'Neill: No megalomaniacal ex-boyfriends here. Daniel: Yeah, otherwise this one would be filed under "Ex." Carter: Bad... puns... Arrrrrgh! O'Neill: So, who do ya think the Goa'uld is posing as? Daniel: There are all of two options. O'Neill: Meh. Teal'c: I read the (Christian) bible, y'know. O'Neill: Yeah? Teal'c: Just to pick out the bits they use on The X-Files. [They enter the village. Everyone flees in terror.] O'Neill: Okay, possible suspension of the "No Megalomaniacs" verdict... [They find some writing.] Daniel: Ooh, writing! O'Neill: What does it say? Daniel: "Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?" Hey, waitaminnit... O'Neill: What? Daniel: "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood"? [They find Mary manacled to the manacle-thingie in the center of the village.] O'Neill: 'Kay, that sucks. Teal'c, break her out. Teal'c: 'Kay. [Teal'c shoots the manacles off with nary a scratch to Mary.] Teal'c: Back in the Jaffa legions my nickname was Teal'c the Staff Weapon God. O'Neill: No, it wasn't! Teal'c: Meh. [Simon brandishes a crucifix at SG-1.] Simon: 'Kay, leave Mary alone, you creepy demon people! O'Neill: It's Hanno! Simon: Um, that was Season 1. O'Neill: Uh, we're not demons. Carter: I'm also not a witch. Just FYI. Simon: 'Kay, come into my house then, strange people. [O'Neill determines that Mary has chicken pox, not acute demonic possession.] Simon: Um, the Elders are gonna drill a hole in her head, so she's kinda doomed either way. Daniel: "Trepan," Simon, "trepan." We have to build tension here! Simon: Meh. [The town freaks out as the Unas enters town looking for hosts/sacrifices.] Zippy the Unas: Well, c'mon! I came all this way! Teal'c: 'Kay, that's an Unas. O'Neill: Unas bit it in season uno. Teal'c: There's more than one, genius. And that pun was just bad. O'Neill: Meh. Zippy the Unas: Well, heck with this. I've got a pension to make, here! Five host--uh, souls!--by sundown or serious mayhem. I serve Satan, y'know. O'Neill: 'Kay, that's Sokar. [Simon freaks out.] Simon: 'Kay, I'm freakin' out! Scary demon! Bad demon! Evil demon! O'Neill: Not a demon. Daniel: Very like a demon... O'Neill: Granted it's very like a demon, but it's not actually a demon. Daniel: Works for Sokar... O'Neill: And, granted it works a guy to likes to dress up as the Devil, but is not the Devil. Daniel: May as well be a demon... O'Neill: You're not helping! Simon: Whoa, you guys aren't afraid of the de--it? SG-1: Nope. Simon: Cool! Maybe you're a case of Groovy Divine Intervention! Carter: We could kill it. Daniel: Um, issue of retribution from Mr. Devil Worship. Carter: They could bury the gate. Daniel: Uh, anyone remember Juna? Carter: That hasn't happened yet. Sorta. Anyway, the nearest Goa'uld stronghold should be lightyears away. Simon: Hey, look, it's the Canon and his Canonian Posse! He'll single out the five neccesary sacrifices. O'Neill: Anyone else see where this is going? [The Canon chews Simon out.] Canon: Simon, you suck! Simon: But they're nice! Canon: They came through the gate! You're stupid, they're evil, you suck! [The Canon singles out Teal'c by the Jaffa thing on his forehead.] Canon: Him evil. Teal'c: Figures. O'Neill: Teal'c is not a demon! Daniel, shut up. Daniel: I didn't say anything! O'Neill: Meh. Anyway, you can frag the Unas! No Satanic involvement here! Canon: Meh. You came through the Circle of Darkness. Thus, you evil. O'Neill: Heavy thinkin' involved to get that verdict, hunh, spud? [ZAP!] [In prison...] O'Neill: Ow. Ow ow ow. Ow. Carter: Ow. O'Neill: Remind me not to be nice in the future. Involve painful physical contact in aforementioned reminder. Carter: 'Kay. Simon: Um, Teal'c is screwed. O'Neill: Duh, dude. [After the hot-wad-o'-metal-on-the-mark-of-the-Devil test, Teal'c is sent for a forcible swim.] Daniel: Teal'c is... Carter: ...screwed. O'Neill: This sucks pond water. [Sufficiently dead, Teal'c is shrouded and anointed.] Carter + Daniel: Sniff. Canon: Uh, you can go. His soul is clean. O'Neill: Uh, duh! Simon: They're gonna make me drill a hole in Mary's head. I need your help here... O'Neill: No friggin' way. Daniel: Jack, you suck. I'm gonna go save people. You can stay here, because you suck! [Daniel and Jack interrupt the trepanning ritual with comic-book timing.] Daniel: You can come with us. Jack has a home entertainment system that'll blow you away. O'Neill: Literally. [Teal'c rises from the dead.] Carter: Yay! It's Teal'c! SG-1: Yay! Simon: Freakin' out... freakin' out... Carter: No, Simon, it's all thanks to Junior the Infant Goa'uld. Teal'c: Yep. O'Neill: Woo-hoo! Toga party when we get back! Canon: 'Kay, I've changed my mind. You evil. Stake them to the thingie in the center of town! O'Neill: Well, crap. Teal'c: Indeed. Carter: This sucks. Daniel: Yeah-hunh. Mary: We're screwed. Everyone: Yep. O'Neill: Carter, remember the prison scene from earlier? Carter: Yep. O'Neill: Same thing here, but direct the painful blow at Daniel. Carter: 'Kay, sir, but at this rate, I'll have to line people up. Won't enjoy it in the least, either. O'Neill: I'd be more inclined to believe you if you didn't have that disconcerting gleam in your eye. Carter: Blame Jolinar? [Zippy the Unas comes back.] O'Neill: You suck! [Zippy grabs O'Neill by the neck and tosses him around.] Carter: May wanna stop antagonizing the really big reptiles, Sir. [Zippy drags them off as Simon watches from the sidelines.] O'Neill: Roll-O Maneuver on three. Three! [Everyone rolls and Zippy loses his grip. They run.] [Zippy grabs them again.] Zippy: Yoink! O'Neill: Crap. Simon: Yoo-hoo! I have a staff weapon and some serious issues with you, man! [Zippy stakes SG-1 and Mary to a tree.] Zippy: Stay! [Simon shoots Zippy a few times. Zippy keeps coming.] Simon: Oh, heck. [Zippy whacks him.] Simon: Oof. Bail! O'Neill: Annie, get your gun. Mary: Uh, I'm Mary. And it's a staff weapon. And it's Teal'c's. O'Neill: Just get the staff. [Teal'c blasts them free.] O'Neill: Carter, take the civilians and get back to the gate. Me and Teal'c will go off the Unas and save the day. Carter: Should I kick you now or later? [The Canon finds Simon.] Canon: Simon, you suck! Simon: Nyer! Unas: Boo. Simon: Heck. Canon: Yaaaaah! [O'Neill and Teal'c arrive and find the dead Unas, the prostrate Simon, and the freakin' out Canon.] Canon: Wow. Simon cool. Unas dead. I love big symbiote. [Simon wakes up.] Simon: Auntie Em! Auntie Em! O'Neill: So, you have to bury the gate. Canon: Yep. O'Neill: And gimme the ring. Canon: Yep. Carter: You're the Goa'uld! Canon: Yep. Canon: I thirst for mayhem! O'Neill's Gun: Bam! Canon: I... suck... gurgle... Simon: Sniff. Simon: We'll bury the gate and reform. O'Neill: No Prime Directive here. SG-1: Here here! O'Neill: That was lame. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to be tossed into a lake.