Five-Minute Stargate


Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Descent"

by The One The Asgard Call O'Pipp

CARTER: Ship.
EVERYONE ELSE: Yes... ship.
JONAS: Ship. Pretty ship.

O'NEILL: Jonas, stay here and guard the, uh... things.
TEAL'C: Oooo! We can discuss my dream journal! Ok, so I'm standing in the classroom, and I'm wearing a pink beret when O'Neill walks in...
JONAS: Ship. Pretty ship.

CARTER + DADDY CARTER: Why did we bring these guys?
O'NEILL: Simple, if anything happens, they'll be the ones who get shot or almost drowned.

TEAL'C: Yo, Hamm-boy!
HAMM BOY: You realise that, as no one has seen this episode in Canada yet, I can say what I want.
TEAL'C: Uh...
HAMM BOY: Blue monkey, yes, we have no bananas, we're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz...

DADDY CARTER: Y'know, this may be a Trojan horse?
O'NEILL: Horsey?
DADDY CARTER: Beware Greeks bearing gifts?
O'NEILL: Whuhuh?
DADDY CARTER: Follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road...

SCIENTIST GUY: Oooo! What could be behind door number 3?
[GAK]
JAFFA: So long, and thanks for playing... Wheel of Deathlyness..
JAFFA 2#: More from us after this short break...

JONAS: I must prove myself. Hmmmm, hmmmm hmmmm...
TEAL'C: Hey, no stealing my personality.
JONAS: Indeed...

CARTER: Hey, this is the ship that Thor was on.
O'NEILL: What? Thor was a 'shipper? It's always the quiet ones you gotta watch out for...

O'NEILL: Hey, Scientist Guy is dead. You know what this means...
CARTER: No... it can't be...
O'NEILL: Affirmative. The 'shippers have been released.

JAFFA: SHOOT! SHOOT!
DADDY CARTER: GAK!
JAFFA: Ding dong, the wicked witch is dead...
JAFFA 2#: I'm not sure this song's appropriate.
JAFFA 3#: Shut up, we need someone on soprano...

JAFFA: Shoot! Shoot!
TEAL'C: You must die now....
JONAS: Want a banana? They taste real good and I've got a spare one, they're real neat! Neato!
[BOOM]
[THE JAFFA'S HEADS EXPLODE]
TEAL'C: Die... Die...
JONAS: Uh... the Jaffa are gone now T-bone! Isn't that super neat?
TEAL'C: Die....
JONAS: Say, would you like a banana?

JONAS: Hey can we go rescue them! Please! Please! Pleeeeeeease...
HAMM BOY: Whatever, just get this freak away from me.
JONAS: You take that back right now! That is no way to talk about Teal'c!

DADDY CARTER: Under the sea... Under the seeeeeea--
O'NEILL: --There'll be no life support--
CARTER: --or 'shippers on board--
O'NEILL: --Just the Carters and meeeeeeee--
DAVIS: --And me!
O'NEILL: Go ahead Davis, wreck our island rhythms.

CARTER: Maybe the virus is trying to talk to us...
VIRUS: Heeelloo... It's meeeeeeee, Daaaaaaaniel's ghoooooost...
O'NEILL: That's it Daniel, you'll do anything for attention won't you?
VIRUS: Including, but not limited to, impersonating Thor and drowning you....

CARTER: GLUG! GLUG!
O'NEILL: DROWN! DROWN!
'SHIPPERS: Awwwww, they're drowning together, how sweet!

DANIEL'S GHOST: Nooooooo! Wait.. I'll save you... You're the only ones who listen to me...
THOR'S BRAIN: Move over buddy. This is MY moment of glory...
DANIEL'S GHOST: Nooobody careeees...
JONAS: I care! I care! A ghost? Wow, super neat!
DANIEL'S GHOST: Shut up!

O'NEILL: I dunno... Saving Thor sounds dangerous, and quite possibly 'shippy...
CARTER: Yeah, but the alternative is staying here with Jonas....
O'NEILL: Let's go! Rah-Rah-Rah, Team Spirit, and so forth...

CARTER: We appear to be stuck. Let's press some buttons.
TEAL'C: Hey, let's take a glider...
CARTER: That's my line!
TEAL'C: Look, we've only got 5 minutes, someone had to say it.

JONAS: I must prove myself! I must swim around the ship, look like a total birk, almost drown and save SG1!
DADDY CARTER: Y'know, you could just press this button..
[MEANWHILE...]
O'NEILL: Hey, we're stuck and the ship's self destructing...
CARTER: We'll it could be worse...
[RING RING RING]
JONAS: Hi guys!
O'NEILL: You were saying?

DEATH GLIDERS: ZOOM! ZOOM!
JONAS: Wait, I think I left my shoes on the mothership... can we go back?

JONAS: You'll all be happy to know that I don't want to steal Teal'c's personality anymore...
TEAL'C: Woooohooo!
JONAS: So, er, Major Carter, you doing anything tonight?
'SHIPPERS: Grrrrr....
JONAS: Say, does anyone want a banana?

THE END

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