Five-Minute Stargate


Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "The Devil You Know"

by The One The Asgard Call O'Pipp

Teal'c: Previously on Stargate: I get to do the voice over. Things are finally looking up for the T-Man. Heh heh.

CARTER: Wait, I get it, "The Devil WE know" is Apophis.
O'NEILL: I'm sure the audience figured that out five minutes ago.
CARTER: We're on a five minute site. There is no "five minutes ago."
O'NEILL: Did that sentence make some sense I didn't get?

JACKSON: Ha! You're wife is dead!
O'NEILL: Way to provoke the bloodthirsty murdering Goa'uld Daniel.
JACKSON: What, that wasn't the plan?

CARTER: Why is Apophis making a speech anyway?
O'NEILL: It's to distract the audience from the names flashing along the bottom of the screen.
CARTER: Ah.. And to fill up time while Sokar puts his make up on.
O'NEILL: You got it.

CARTER: I'm beginning to notice a pattern here: all the villains are heavily into make-up.
O'NEILL: Could this be some evil plot by the fashion industry?
CARTER: Nah, that was last week.

CARTER: Hello, dad. This dress sucks. You also suck for killing mom.
DADDY CARTER: Who's the daddy?

TEAL'C: In order to save them I went into hyper speed.
TOK'RA GUY: So, basically you ran away *coughwimpcough*.
TEAL'C: I do not run. I... Strategically retreat.

CARTER: Don't you just love these filler scenes?
JACKSON: Yeah, I guess so....
DADDY CARTER: *coughcough* Excuse me, a little attention here?

O'NEILL: Hey, Charlie. Whassup?
CHARLIE: Nothing much. You suck for killing me by the way.
O'NEILL: Who's the Daddy?

APOPHIS: Woah... no wonder you suppressed those memories, your kid had a reeeally bad haircut.
O'NEILL: Well, you're no Mr. Universe.
APOPHIS: However, I did win Mr. Netu 1998.

TOK'RA GUY: Hey, let's go to hell.
TEAL'C: Tell me we have a plan?
TOK'RA GUY: It's ok, no one's really listening at this point.
TEAL'C: Sorry, did you say something?

JACKSON: Darn it. They took Martouf.
O'NEILL: You know what this means?
JACKSON: Yes. This confirms our suspicions: Apophis is an S/J shipper.

TEAL'C: Do we need a plan yet?
TOK'RA GUY: No, just some technobabble.
TEAL'C: 'Kay.

APOPHIS: Tell me where the Tok'ra base is!
MARTOUF: Hmm, can I ask the audience?
APOPHIS: No.
MARTOUF: Phone a friend?
APOPHIS: No.
MARTOUF: 50/50?
APOPHIS: Is that your final answer?
MARTOUF: 'Kay, Entak.

SOKAR: [SINGING] Living in a material world, and I'm a material Goa'uld. Are the make-upenators primed?
GOA'ULD SOLDIER: Yes sir.
SOKAR: Excellent.. Soon the world will bow down to cosmetics! Bwhahahahaha!

CARTER: You lied? You didn't sell out the Tok'ra?
MARTOUF: Uh... yeah, keep on believing that...

JACKSON: Hey, Jack. Ever notice how my last name is almost the same as your first name?
O'NEILL: Ah.. Yeah, this works better when the victim is sane. Where's the Harsesis kid?
JACKSON: Who's the daddy?
O'NEILL: Beats me, no one watches Daniel episodes.

O'NEILL: So, how did you figure out it was a vision?
JACKSON: Easy: you were being nice to me.

SOKAR: [SINGING] When the working day is done, Goa'uld just want to have fun!
APOPHIS: That's all we really waaaaaaaaaant!
SOKAR: I believe this is a PRIVATE Karaoke bar?

APOPHIS: What's grey and spiky?
HELL GUY: Uh...
APOPHIS: A spike! Bwahahaha!
HELL GUY: I don't mean to suggest your jokes are predictable but there are as yet undiscovered tribes in the Amazonian jungle who knew you were going to say that.

JACKSON: Look, guys, a handy dandy communicator, only $59.95!
CARTER: And if you order today, we'll throw in a rescue from Teal'c, absolutely free!
O'NEILL: Only while stocks last. This offer is invalid in Paraguay.

SOKAR: Martouf tricked us!
APOPHIS: As much as you hate that man right now, you just gotta love those teeth.
MARTOOTH: I'd just like to take a moment to tell you why I use "Tok'ra White" the toothpaste for the "on the go" Tok'ra.

SOKAR: There is only 1 way this can be resolved..
APOPHIS: You can't possibly be thinking...
SOKAR: Yes. The Jerry Springer Show! BWAHAHAHA!
APOPHIS: Now, that's evil.

JERRY: Hello. We're here today to discuss "Snakes With Issues."
TEAL'C: That snake stole my sandwich, Jerry!
JERRY: Now, let's try some primal scream therapy. Sokar, you go first.

TEAL'C: Uh... A plan would be good right around now.
[BEAM OF LIGHT THINGY.]
O'NEILL: Ah... Saved by the technobabble.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
DADDY CARTER: Hey, here's an idea; Lets go to Alaska.
CARTER: Been there, done that, got the Stargate.

APOPHIS: I'm confused, who's dead?
DIRECTOR: Shut up and look menacing already.
APOPHIS: 'Kay.

O'NEILL: What happened to the Comedy Police, anyway?
CARTER: Ah, they're busy with Sokar.
O'NEILL: Uh?
CARTER: Crimes against make-up.

THE END

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