Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Divide and Conquer" by The One The Asgard Call O'Pipp ANISE: Damn. I forgot to put almost all my clothes on this morning. Maybe no one will notice if I stay reeeally quiet. O'NEILL: Nope, we can't do Tuesday. The president is busy lying to the people of our world. MARTOUF: Remind me again, why did we ally our superior selves with these people? ANISE: The delicious chocolatey snacks. PER'SUS: Yo, any Zatarcs round here? GRAHAM: Yup.. Aw, damn. I suppose I may as well go on a killing spree now. [ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP!] PER'SUS: [SINGING] Everybody loves the Tok'ra, so why don't you? MARTOUF: You suck. ANISE: Do not. MARTOUF: Do too. ANISE: Do NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT. CARTER: Yo, Tok'ra, are we gonna stand around here arguing all day or... no, sorry, stupid question. MARTOUF: Anise has devised a way of testing for Zatarcs. ANISE: Would all the Zatarcs in the room please raise their hands?..... No, okay, will all the Zatarcs in the room please go on a killing spree? ZATARCS, VARIOUS: 'Kay. O'NEILL: It's safe to say that I'm feeling less than optimistic about this... O'NEILL: So, how does this work again? CARTER: I dunno. Just look at the swirly thing. O'NEILL: Ah.. swirls.. TEAL'C: Swirly. I mean, indeed. MARTOUF: These clothes are so last year. I'm so glad I'm dying at the end of this episode. ASTOR: ....then I shot the Jaffa. Yay me! ANISE: You are lying. ASTOR: How do you know? ANISE: Stargate Rule #19653: It is impossible for any team except SG-1 to be successful on a mission. ASTOR: 'Kay, can I go mad now? ANISE: Knock yourself out. ASTOR: I'd prefer to kill myself. [ZAP!] CARTER:... then we found the ruby slippers. O'NEILL: .. and ate the magic jub jub flowers. CARTER:... suddenly we found ourselves back in Kansas. HAMMOND: Sounds believable to me. ANISE: 'Kay: you're both Zatarcs. O'NEILL: That's not fair! I had my fingers crossed when I said I didn't like Carter! CARTER: Hey! I'm so not a Zatarc! O'NEILL: Me neither. CARTER: *AHEM* Can we focus on MY pain here? O'NEILL: Hey, what happens if I am meant to kill you? ANISE: Not possible. O'NEILL: Damn... I mean, uh... great. ANISE: Hey, Freya likes you, but Anise prefers Daniel. O'NEILL: It's true, four out of five Goa'uld do prefer Jackson! MARTOUF: Hey Sam, don't die. CARTER: Aw, how sweet, you'd miss me! MARTOUF: Actually, you're the one who signs my pay check. JACKSON: These are the moments I'm going to miss most. O'NEILL: What, the ones were you're all earnest and I'm all sarcastic? JACKSON: No, the ones were I learn somebody has a crush on me. What else did Anise say about me? DR. F: 'Kay, lets sedate them. HAMMOND: Uh, are you sure that's wise? DR. F: No, but I want to use my chemistry set. O'NEILL: 'Kay, lets go be sedated. DR. F: I've had a little "accident" with the needles. It should be sedative, but tell me if it feels a little lethal, 'kay? O'NEILL: Riiiiiight. I pick door number 2, "death by 'shippers." DR. F: So, O'Neill's gonna go play with "Tok'ra Barbie". Tell me if this isn't "Sedative." [UKNOWN TO DR. F, THE SEDATIVE HAD BEEN LACED BY 'SHIPPERS WITH CHEMICAL X, KNOWN TO CAUSE A 'SHIPPY REACTION.] CARTER: Wait! Wait! We need to set up "Window of Opportunity." TEAL'C: Seeing as I serve no useful purpose in this episode, I'm gonna watch you confess. CARTER: What do you mean "In this episode"? ANISE: So, what were you feeling at that moment? O'NEILL: I was thinking, "maybe I can go get a hamburger later." ['SHIPPERS LOAD GUNS.] O'NEILL: "...with Carter" Boy, does she like hamburgers. ANISE: Your turn to confess your feelings and be subjected to many more 'shippy dialogues, Major. CARTER: Uh... commercial break time, yeah, that should stick. CARTER: Wait! What if Martouf is the Zatarc? HAMMOND: Surely they wouldn't have a plot device quite as obvi... *sigh*. Let's go save the world again. O'NEILL: Hey, Minnesota can look after itself. EXTRA: Sir-- JACKSON: Shut up! We have to pay $473 every time someone talks! EXTRA #1: 'Kay. EXTRA #2: What if we cough, sir? EXTRA #3: Or get injured by alien tech... no, wait, that's your job. JACKSON: You have a point to this? EXTRA #4: Nope, but don't look now, Martouf's going mad. GOOD MARTOUF: Love, love, peace, love. EVIL ZATARC MARTOUF: Death, death, pain, death... Do you like my ring? JACKSON: Hey, Martouf, why'd you wanna shoot "The President"? MARTOUF: The Tok'ra have this thing about capitalization. HAMMOND: Hey guys, it's "THE PRESIDENT." JACKSON: Ooo! Ooo! Can I make the little bunny sign? MARTOUF: Why do I always pick the worst time to go on a killing spree? Ah, well.. [ZIP ZAP ZIPPITY ZAP!] MARTOUF: Samantha.. CARTER: 'Kay, I'll shoot you. [ZAP!] MARTOUF: I was going to say: Samantha, don't shoot... GAK! CARTER: Ooopsie. O'NEILL: I don't suppose I could get a date tonight? THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to be shot by Carter. The Curse of Black Widow Spice! Wah ha hah!