Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Double Jeopardy" by Nan [SG-1 V 2.0 exits the Stargate.] Teal'c2: Footprints. O'Neill2: Yeah? Teal'c2: Jaffa footprints. [A contingent of Juna warriors surround them.] Carter2: Jaffa? Jaffa Guy: Hands up! O’Neill2: Nuts. Darian: These guys suck! Cronus' Guy: They do. Teal'c sucks particularly. Where's their leader? Jaffa Guy: Not a clue, sir. Darian: Hi, honey. What's up? Hira: Me? Up? Nothing, really! O'Neill2: Hi, honey. Nice house. Nice wife. O'Neill2: Yeah, so, explain to me what happened to me before I arrived, which involved me? Darian: You suck! O'Neill2: Cronus ain't a god. Darian: You still suck! O'Neill2: Yeah, sure, okay. I'll be leaving now. [O'Neill hides with the Juna warriors as Cronus waxes apocalyptic.] O'Neill2: This primitive-warrior-moss-and-mud thing works for me. Cronus: Yak yak yak! Doom! Death! Yadda yadda! Teal'c, you suck! Yamma yamma! Painful death! Blah blah blah! Pay for your sins! Darian! Darian: Yo! Cronus: Blow off Danny-boy's head! Or I'll frag your men! Darian: Hmmm. Okay. Daniel2: Good thing I bite it so soon. I've gotta direct this episode-- [Darian blows his head off with a staff weapon. Daniel's severed head hits the ground and sparks a little.] Cronus: Well... that puts a new spin on things. Hammond: "Hello, it's Harlan. Can I come through now? Please? Pretty please with bionic goo on top?" Uh, Colonel? O'Neill: Kill me. Kill me now. Harlan: Aloha! Shalom! Bonjour! Guten tag! Claro! O'Neill: You suck! Carter: Shut up, Jack. What's up, Harlan? Harlan: Mission time. Where' s Danny-boy? Carter: On a mission. He's directing this episode. Cronus: Speak! SG-1 V. 2.0: No! Cronus: You suck! Harlan: You have to save the robot yous. Carter: Because they've been going on missions? Harlan: Yep. Hammond: Even though they were supposed to bury the gate and stay put? Harlan: Yep. Hammond: Well, looks like the robot you is as much of a problem as you are, Colonel. O'Neill: Damn straight! Darian: I'm freaking out! Hira: Why? Darian: I saw robots! They were everywhere! Walking around like regular people! And... Cronus was surprised. Hira: Crisis of faith time. Hammond: You can save 'em if you want, Colonel. O'Neill: Don't want! Don't want! Godallmighty, don't want! Harlan: I'll have to save the day then. Without your help. Carter: Fat chance! Carter: Hmm... Juna. We were there a little while ago on an offscreen mission. Teal'c: Indeed. Carter: We caused an uprising and left them with inadequate protection from the Goa'uld. Teal'c: Indeed. Carter: It’s been overrun by Cronus. Teal’c: Indeed. Carter: We suck. Teal'c: Indeed. Carter: Hunh. Well! Let's dial it... [After O'Neill2 frags a bunch of the Jaffa and says hello.] O’Neill: You suck! O'Neill2: You suck too! Anyway, Darian and me are going to go save Juna. Carpool, anyone? Darian + SG-1.25: Pyramid, ho! O'Neill: Sorry for causing an uprising and leaving you with inadequate protection from the Goa'uld. O'Neill2: You suck! O'Neill: Yeah! So do you! O'Neill2: Maybe! [They put each other in headlocks.] Carter: Hey! Do I have to stop this mission and turn around?! Carter: Are we, perchance, vastly outnumbered? Darian: Yep. Carter: Just checkin'. O'Neill: You suck! O'Neill2: You suck! Carter: You both suck. Let's go! Evil Goa'uld Scientist Chick: Speak! Carter2 + Teal'c2: No! [EGSC hits 'em each once with a pain-remote.] EGSC: You want a fresh one? [The O'Neills bicker.] Darian: Weird. Carter: Not really. O'Neill: Uh, no coordination between us and the othe-- O'Neill2: 'Scuse me for a second. Internal cell phone. EGSC: Teal'c-bot says he'll negotiate for the life of Carter-bot by meeting with you. Alone. With a minimum of guards. Cronus: Sure, okay. EGSC: Speak! Carter2: Flick that switch. EGSC: Hmmmmmmmmmm...! O'Neill2: Ya got me! Darian: Or not. Eat slow-velocity flinty death, Jaffa scum! Boo-yeah! O'Neill2: Ow! Jaffa staff weapon hit! O'Neill: I'm peachy. O'Neill2: You suck! O'Neill: You suck! O'Neill2: Actually, I'm ---bzzt-- peachy! Cronus: So, speak! to save the other one. Teal'c: No! [Teal'c kills a bunch of Cronus' guards, then starts throttling Cronus himself.] Carter2: Then hit that button. That big red button that says "do not push". ESGC: 'Kay. Now what? Carter2: Now, you eat hot death, Evil Goa’uld Scientist Chick! [Boom!] Teal'c: Die! Diediedie! [Cronus deflects the Zat blasts easily, then shoots Teal'c.] Cronus: Ha! Carter: Well, we're screwed! Carter2: No problem. I'll fix it. Carter: Okay, just stick your hand into this field of open current. Carter2: 'Kay. [Cronus crabs Teal'c by the symbiote and throttles it.] Teal'c: Arrgh! Teal’c2: Eat hot death, Goa'uld scum! Cronus: GAK! Teal'c2: Hah-ha! Ow, ow, ow...! Bzzzzzzt. Carter2: Electrocution... is... not... fun! Bzzzzzzt. Carter: Witnessing the death of a duplicate who looks exactly like me. I feel oddly unaffected. Darian: This sucks! O'Neill2: Yeah. Sparkity-spark. Darian: You don't suck anymore, O’Neill2. O'Neill2: Cool. Spark-spark. O'Neill: We fragged Cronus. Tell your people that this is officially Post-Goa'uld Par-Tay Time. Darian: Boo-yeah! I gotta find my wife... she’s here somewhere... O'Neill2: Carter... and... Teal’c? O'Neill: Carter2 and Teal'c2 are dead. Carter1 and Teal’c1 are okay. O'Neill2: You... suck... O'Neill: Yeah, you too. O'Neill2: Okay, then... Bzzzzt! THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to have your head blasted off.