Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Emancipation" by Nan [SG-1 exits the Stargate on Steppe Tribe World.] Carter: Y'know, given the title, I imagine this won't be a good episode for me. Daniel: I was just at the costume department. Yow. Teal'c: Indeed. O'Neill: Hey, look, a kid being attacked by wild dogs! Carter: And here we go... [SG-1 scares off the dogs using the tried an' true Shoot Into The Air method.] Abu: Gee, thanks! Daniel: No prob. We're from... er... far away. Abu: Cool. Well, you can crash at my dad's village. He's the chieftan, y'know. Daniel: Cool. I'm Daniel Jackson, Team Geek #1. This is our fearless leader Jack O'Neill. This is Teal'c, the strong silent type. And Sam Carter, Team Geak #2-- Abu: What!? It's a woman!? Can't look at the woman's face! I'm melting! I'm melting! Nan: In a fiver, it's customary to use the term "chick." [Three other Shavadai show up on horseback.] Abu: Ah! Heck. Quick, uh, take the woman and leave. Like... now! Nan: Chick! [Daniel tries to make nice.] Daniel: We'll leave if we-- [The three guys shove Daniel aside and draw their weapons. O'Neill fires off another round into the sky. Carter, O'Neill, and Teal'c surround them.] O'Neill: Ask yourself one question... do you feel lucky? [Moughal steps in.] Moughal: Hey! Stop being mean to the strangers, or I'll kick your-- Guy #1: That's woman is a woman! Moughal: And what did I say about stealing lines from "Shakespeare in Love"? Nan: I just couldn't resist. O'Neill: Hey! It's Soon-Tek Oh! Weren't you a recurring character on M*A*S*H? Moughal: This coming from McGyver. Daniel: It's the battle of the Early Career Moves! Abu: Waitwaitwait! They're foreigners, so they don't know that we're backwards Steppe tribesmen and our backwards Steppe tribesmen customs! Moughal: Neat weapons. What are they? Carter: Firearms-- Moughal: Zip it! Moughal: Ack! You spoke! You must be killed! Abu: No! She saved my life from the wild dogs! Moughal: Cool! I mean... uh.. never mind then. You save a life, you can't be killed. O'Neill: How conveeeenient. Daniel: Don't knock it, we'd be screwed without Carter this early on in the series. Carter: Exactly! Let's go home. I have laundry to do. Daniel: I think we should stay, for anthropology nerd reasons. Carter: You're not the geek who has to wear a dress and get abducted. Daniel: Not this episode, anyway. We should be fine if we learn the customs and hope that one of us isn't abducted. O'Neill: 'Kay. [They enter the "village." The woman greet Abu and lead SG-1 into a yurt (a big, circular tent).] Daniel: The Shavadai are descendants of the Steppe Nomads, and they've kept with the traditions of the Mongols. O'Neill: So, why don't they wander around and live off their horses? Daniel: This is a one-hour show. We have to cut some stuff out. [Moughal enters with Abu.] Moughal: Hi. Have some mixed nuts. Anyway, it's a good thing you saved Abu, hon, 'cause otherwise we'd have had to kill you for showing your face. We're backward, y'know. Anyway, good on ya for giving me an excuse not to kill you. Carter: I try. Moughal: I'm progressive. I think we should lead more egalitarian lives. Abu: And our herbs rock! Even the ones that aren't recreational! Carter: Let's go see 'em. Moughal: 'Kay, sure. Except for the woman. She has to change into a dress. O'Neill: 'Kay. [Abu shows them the herbs.] Abu: See? Everyone: Neato. O'Neill: Let's bring these babies back to Earth. Everyone: Cool. [Upon returning to the yurt, they find Carter in a nice, but massively-annoying dress.] Everyone: Yowsa. Carter: This sucks. And, anyway, they should have anything in my size! Or anything with this many precious-looking rocks on the headdress thingie! Daniel: Nitpick later. Carter: Meh. Abu: Wow. You gorgeous. Imagine what you'd fetch at today's market prices... I'll be going now. Oh, yeah: boys-only night celebration. We'll bring the fermented mare's milk booze. O'Neill: Score! [Later, Carter dozes off. Abu comes in and kidnaps her. What a lamer.] Abu: Feh! I have to get her asleep. Awake she'd take my freakin' world apart! [In the morning, Daniel goes to find Carter and finds she's missing and can't find her.] Daniel: Well, this sucks. Carter: Well, this sucks. Abu: Sorry, hon, but I'm selling you. Carter: Kid, I'm gonna take your freakin' world apart! Daniel: Carter's missing. I think it's a cultural misunderstanding. I can speak with Moughal-- [O'Neill shoves him aside and draws his gun.] O'Neill: Let's kill things. Teal'c: Here's Moughal. Moughal: It's all Abu's fault. Women are prized (sorta) possessions. That are bought and sold. Particularly foreign women. Sorry. O'Neill: Little detail like that would be good to mention earlier on. Moughal: Then we wouldn't have a plot. Duh. Let's go track them down. [Carter's taken to Turghan's village.] Abu: Uh-I-I-I ha-have a wo-wo-woman to s-s-s-s-sell y-you. You like blondes, right? Turghan: Mortal Kombat reference #1. Do tell. Abu: Y-yep. Carter: I'll yank your left eye out through the roof of your mouth, you punk! Abu: She's foreign... [Turghan checks Carter out.] Turghan: 'Kay. Gimme. Whacha want? [Nya enters.] Abu: Nya! Turghan: Nya is a pawn with which I'll make an alliance. Gold you can have. Abu: B-but... Turghan: Which you'll take or I'll turn you into a throw pillow. Abu: Bail! [After Abu leaves, Turghan backhands Carter. Nya is consoled by her mother in the background.] Turghan: Behave! Carter: Bite me! [Moughal and what's left of SG-1 tracks Abu and Carter's trail to a resting spot.] Moughal: Well, let's rest, shall we? Everyone: 'Kay. Moughal: Sorry about this. And I'll get you a new woman if we can't find yours. Daniel: FYI: We don't own chicks. Nan: Attaboy. Daniel: What about the legends of chicks who fight with the dudes? Moughal: Closet subject. The Old Laws were put up to protect warrior women from the Goa'uld. But, y'know, even total lamers get to have power with lots of wives, so... Daniel: That's lame. Moughal: Yep. Everyone thinks I'm a nerd 'cause I have one wife. Daniel: Squishy moment. [Abu sneaks back.] Abu: Nya! Run away with me. Nya: Um... [Meanwhile...] Turghan: Can you cook? Carter: No. Turghan: Weave? Carter: Nein. Turghan: Spin? Carter: Nyet. Turghan: Make dye? Carter: Iie. Turghan: So what can you do? Carter: Outthink you and kick your butt at Tetris, among other things. Turghan: I'm scary! Because of which, I have the alliance of 22 tribes! I'll marry off Nya and make it 23! WA HA HA! Carter: You suck. Turghan: Threaten threaten. [Carter is sent to prepare food. She escapes.] Carter: Woo-hoo! [And is soon caught by a guard and dragged back to Turghan.] Carter: Crap. Turghan: Now I have to hit the women who were watching you. Carter: You suck. Hit me. I dare ya, Shang Tsung! Turghan: Mortal Kombat reference #2. Go do chores. I'm intimidated by your intelligence. [Nya approaches Carter.] Nya: Thanks for trying to help mum. We're kinda concerned that you'll get yourself killed. I mean, my dad is a ruthless warlord, but he's good at what he does! Carter: Meh. Nya: Anyway, I don't wanna marry some crusty old warlord. I'm all squishy for Abu. Could you help me? Carter: 'Kay. [O'Neill and the others arrive at Turghan's camp.] O'Neill: Night raid? Daniel: Sounds good. Moughal: If ya want to start a tribal conflict.... We should wait til morning. Teal'c: Er... anyone else remember Return of the Jedi? [Brief silence.] O'Neill: Have any change, Luke Skywalker? Daniel: Nyer. [In the Chick Pen...] Carter: Just call me Pyro. Nya! Nya: Yo? Carter: Make a break for it while I burn things. Nya: 'Kay! [The men try to buy Carter back.] Daniel: She's... um.. a chieftan! Er, chieftess! Yeah, that's it. Teal'c: Or a shamaness. Daniel: Yes! A chieftess and shamaness! And General Hammond will crack open a serious can of whupass on us if we don't get her back. Turghan: Well, she was overly expensive, and is costly as heck, but I won't sell. [Jack shoots a lamp.] Turghan: Sold to the stylish gentleman with the handgun! [Carter gets her clothes back.] Carter: Woo-hoo! I rule, Turghan sucks! Daniel: We're not at that scene yet. Carter: Nuts. O’Neill: Aren't I supposed to make some kind of reference to Carter taking something off on P3X-595? Daniel: I wouldn't suggest it. [Abu arrives.] Abu: We were caught. Nya's gonna be stoned! Daniel: Ethnobotany jokes, don't fail me now. Abu: Um, to death. Daniel: Oh. Well, never mind then. Carter: Well, we have to save her! O’Neill: No. Carter: Yes. O’Neill: No! Carter: Yes! Daniel: Is there a legal loophole, Moughal? Moughal: Umm... hmmmmmmmm... gee... uh... er... ah... yes. Nya: This is me begging for forgiveness. Turghan: Wuv you sweetie. Begin the stoning! Castle Anthrax Crowd: A stoning! A stoning! Nya: This sucks. Moughal: On the grounds that this sucks, and the legal loophole, I remind y'all that a chief may challenge a stoning! Castle Anthrax Crowd: A stoning! A stoning! Turghan: I ain't fighting you. You're injured. Carter: I volunteer to kick your butt. It's established that I'm a chieftess from earlier, hey. Turghan: Fair enough. Bring the deadly implements! Carter: Heck. O'Neill: What the heck do you mean "it's to the death"?! Guy: It is. No interfering: Arlene here is sharp. O'Neill: "Arlene"? Nan: It was either that or "Sally". [Turghan dramatically unsheathes his curved sword.] Turghan: Yes, that's right folks. If you order the Mongol Ginsu Knife now you'll get the Patented Mongol Ginsu Knife Leather Case absolutely free!* Carter: No one said anything about--heck with it. [Carter whips out a knife.] Carter: I should inform you that I reign supreme at Tomb Raider. [Mid-90s fight/dance music is heard faintly in the background.] Turghan: Enough with the Mortal Kombat references! Arrrrgh! [Shwick!] Nya: Please don't kill him! Carter: Nuts! [Shwick!] Daniel: Whoa... Teal'c: I was unaware that Captain Carter was a gymnast. O'Neill: She's channeling Lara Croft. Carter In The Background: Uuuuuuuuuwah-kah! Haiiiiiiiiiiiiii-hah! [Carter pins Turghan.] Carter: Say it! Say it! Turghan: Uncle! Uncle! Nya's free! You kicked my butt! Now get off me, I can't breathe! Carter: That may be because I'm sitting on your chest and have a knife on your trachea. O'Neill: Six day wedding celebration? Ooooh, no thanks. Daniel's likely to get abducted. Daniel: Hey! Er.. what? Wow, this fermented mare's milk stuff is... strong... urp... Moughal: Well, we like Carter, so all the women are free. Tribute, doncha know. Carter: Neato. [SG-1 leaves.] Carter: I wonder if this herb thingie will be cool on earth. O'Neill: We won't get any credit. Daniel: Well that sucks. Teal'c: Indeed. THE END * Mongol Ginsu Knife? See Sarcastic SG-1. Legal notices. You are number ### to be sold to a Genghis Khan wannabe.