Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Entity" by Hejira MALP: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, I'm going on a mission, I'm going on a mission! Chevron Guy: Uh, you're a MALP, not a FIDO. MALP: Damn. Hum, hum, hum. I'm flying, I'm flying, whee! Entity: Oi, MALP-y. Let me go through the gate. MALP: Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin! Entity: What hair on what chinny-chin-chin? MALP: Point. Entity: Okay guys, how about I make the computer's go fizzy, okay? Chevron Guy: What am I supposed to do? Entity: Burn, baby, burn! Chevron Guy: Ah, to break away from the tedium. Entity: I nearly killed you! Chevron Guy: So? Sam: Ouch! My hand! Entity: Bonus! Janet: How's your hand? Sam: Fine. Janet: Burnt. Sam: Fine. Janet: Burnt. Jack: Beautiful, but burnt. Sam: You win. I'll stay away from the computers for a while. Janet: Good. Is that a Tamagotchi? Sam: I need some kind of fix... Chevron Guy: I'm only speaking again so I have more lines than the MALP. Sam: Thank you. Now that my hand's bandaged... Janet: Here's your Game Boy - it should last you until you get to a computer. Sam: Thanks. Entity: I admit, it's really stupid of me to display anything on the monitor, but the ominous music would just sound stupid without the display. Sam: Don't mind me, I'm just talking in technobabble. Daniel: Why? Sam: Because that's my job. Hello, looks like something accessed our database. Entity: If you guys looked at the cameras, you'd see that I'm still here. *sigh* All for the sake of plot, I know. Janet: Look - brain waves! Jack: Why are you looking at that? Janet: I got bored the first time Sam said, 'technological.' Jack: Uh, she actually said, "technologically." Janet: That's my point. Entity: Hello, everybody. I know you. Jack: Hiya. Entity: And you. Sam: Hiya. Entity: And you. Daniel: Yo. George: Yikes. Jack: How sweet, the entity likes me. Entity: He said it, not me. Sam: We're going to have to hit the delete button on it. Jack: What - because it likes me? Sam: No - because it deleted my Tetris game. Entity: Look - I'm building myself a little homestead. MALP: What do you mean, 'you'? Entity: Sorry. Like the mood lighting? Sam: It's gone. George: Yippie! Sam: Then again...what's happening in this random room with the MALPs in it? George: Take a look then. Jack: Woah, the door's warm. Jack: Woah, the door's got a big hole in it! Sam: Uh sir, doesn't the entity's homestead concern you? Jack: But there's a hole! In the door! Anyone can walk through it! Sam: Isn't that the point? Jack: Oh yeah...never mind, then. Daniel: So the entity's alive then? Jack: I want to blow it. Teal'c: Would it have a subroutine to appreciate such an action? Sam: I like the mood lighting. Entity: Can I tell you how I did it? Maybe you could do something like it in your house. Sam: Okay - How bright are your lights? Entity: What sort of decor have you got in your house? Sam: I'm on a budgetttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt... Jack: Oh, that entity is so dead. Sam: ...ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt... Janet: Her heart's stopped beating - wait, it's started - nope, there it goes again - it's back - it's gone - it's back - it's gone - it's back. Jack: And? Janet: Looks like it'll stay beating. Entity: Hey, you than thank me later. Jack: Ulp! Janet: Sam's body is under the control of an alien. Again. Colonel O'Neill's concerned. Again. The 'shipper's are spasming. Again and again and again and again. Jack: Yo, we've got an awake person here. Entity: Yo. Jack: Okay, cut that out. Janet, get the Entity out of Carter. Janet: I've tried. I've given it twelve eviction notices, but it replied, and I quote, "Bite me." Jack: I was right, you were wrong. Daniel: I know. Sam wasn't wrong, though. Teal'c: Did she not do what you wanted to do, Daniel Jackson? Daniel: Yeah, but Jack doesn't lo - Jack: I'm suffering major angst here; you don't have to rub it in. Daniel: We'll talk later. Entity: I got into Sam before you could. Neeners. Jack: Could you tell me what she's doing right now, pretty please? Entity: Playing Tetris in her head. Jack: Damn, she's smart. Entity: Not really. She just made a gap. Jack: Okay, putting everyone's lives in danger is one thing, but saying Carter's not smart is going too far! Get out of her! Now! Entity: Nope. And you can't make me. Daniel: Let's send it home. George: Sounds good to me. Daniel: Want to go home? Entity: No, I'd rather cause death and destruction to your entire planet. Want to let me keep Sam's body? Jack: No, I'd rather cause death and destruction to your entire planet. George: Okay, I confess, Jack runs the whole base. Entity: Oh crap, I'm so running away. Entity: Like the fireworks? Jack: Not really. Like a shot from a zat? Entity: Well, I'm still standing. You'll have to shoot me again. Jack: Okay, have it your way. Bastard. Janet: How are you, Colonel? Jack: Not happy Jan! Janet: Okay. By the way, Sam's made a living will. Jack: I know. "Keep my body alive for as long as the plot needs it." Everyone's got that line. Jack: Daniel, why is there a game of Tetris playing on the monitor? Daniel: More importantly, why is there a gap in it? Jack: Oh dear...Janet, get over here with Sam's body, right now. Janet: Attach a bit of this to a bit of that and flip the switch... Sam: ...ttttttttt...woah. Jack: What was it like being in the computer? Sam: Nirvana. Teal'c: Indeed. Daniel: Oi, why didn't we get many lines? Teal'c: Beats me. George: I don't know either. Chevron Guy: Now you know how I feel, would you like to have a tea party with me? George: See, there's a reason you don't get many lines. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to be copied to drive "C."