Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Fail Safe" by The One The Asgard Call O'Pipp TELESCOPE GUY: I demand you listen to me! We're all going to die! PHONE GUY: Uh, I'm sorry, Pizza Hut doesn't deal with asteroids. Try Domino's. [SCARY MEN ARRIVE] SCARY MAN: Ok, who ordered anchovies? CARTER: And the latest threat to earth is.... a big rock. HAMMOND: Ooo! Sounds dangerous! CARTER: Look, only 347386335 more seconds till I start caring what you think! [BRIEFING ROOM.] CARTER: We persuaded telescope guy to stay quiet. [SOMEWHERE IN THE CARIBBEAN...] TELECOPE GUY: Yeah, I'll take this island. Bring out the $6 billion! [BRIEFING ROOM.] JACKSON: Can we stop calling him telescope guy? CARTER: Hey, that's what it said in the credits. [SOMEWHERE IN THE CARIBBEAN...] TELECOPE GUY: I name this TELESCOPE GUY ISLAND! WIMP GUY: Argh! Argh! We are going to die! CARTER: No way! O'NEILL: Never gonna happen. DANIEL: As if! O'PIPP: That last line may be foreboding. I can't think why. SHIP: ZOOM, ZOOM... ASTEROID: FLOAT FLOAT... SPECIAL FX GUY: Aren't I something? HAMMOND: Yo! SG-1! It's been, like, days! CARTER: Then why are you still wearing the same shirt? HAMMOND: We're in the military; we wear the same shirt every day. CARTER: 'Kay, I just thought it was because you can't iron. HAMMOND: You promised never to talk of that! JACKSON: We're approaching too fast! We're going to DIE! O'NEILL: The chances of us dying are about that of you getting a girlfriend. JACKSON: What about.... O'NEILL: A NON EVIL one. [SILENCE. A TUMBLEWEED BLOWS BY.] O'NEILL: And you join us for round 1 of: CARTER VS. THE EVIL CRYSTALS. CARTER: They're not so tough! I can take them! [ZAP!] CARTER: Maybe later... O'NEILL: 'Kay, Teal'c, let me drive the bomb. TEAL'C: Aw, no fair! Why don't I ever get to drive? O'NEILL: You kidding? You'd crash this thing quicker than Chakotay! CHAKOTAY: I quit already! When will the cruel jokes stop? TEAL'C: It's nothing personal, he just got really upset at C/7. O'NEILL: DO NOT SPEAK ITS NAME! TEAL'C: Deep, cleansing breaths... CARTER: Hey! We're under attack! O'NEILL: What is it? The Goa'uld? Zatarcs? The Reetou? The Borg? Death gliders? Crazed Tok'ra? Daniel fans? CARTER: Nope, little rocks. CARTER: The asteroid is really heavy, man. JACKSON: It should like, chill out. CARTER: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? JACKSON: Yeah! If Dracula had no reflection, how come he always had such a straight hair parting? O'NEILL: Hey look! They're in the escape pods! TEAL'C: Dammit. I would have made a great "Major Teal'c." O'NEILL: Lets repair the ship and save them! TEAL'C: Aw, do we have to? DR. F: Sorry, you need to be skilled to come with us. HAMMOND: I have skills! I can be skilled! DR. F: Yeah, but can you iron? CARTER: Argh! Technobabble dictates that we are going to die! TEAL'C: Indeed. O'NEILL: Mind if I ask why? CARTER: I dunno. O'NEILL: Let's blame the Goa'uld, we always do. TEAL'C: Indeed. O'NEILL: Now I am going to defuse the bomb! JACKSON: OK: 3 to the blue, 4 to the orange! CARTER: Where's the zero? There has to be a zero! TEAL'C: Have you ever had déjà vu? Have you ever had déjà vu? O'NEILL: Great, all we need now is... CARTER'S DAD: Hey kids! Apophis just cloaked a fleet! O'NEILL: Uh, Apophis is dead. CARTER'S DAD: What? You mean this isn't Serpent's Venom? Forget I said anything then... CARTER: 'Kay we have 2 choices. JACKSON: They both suck. CARTER: Waitaminute! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? JACKSON: Yeah, if Pringles say "Once you pop the fun don't stop," then why do they come with a resealable lid? CARTER: See, this is why I'm the brains and you're the eye candy. CARTER: Hey, after we save the world, we'll die from lack of oxygen. O'NEILL: Stop going off on a "Tangent." CARTER: That couldn't have been more unsubtle, even if you tried. CARTER: To the outside observer it would look like we went through the earth. O'NEILL: Why the hell don't we just say "the audience"? CARTER: Why the hell don't we shut the 'shippers up and kiss? O'NEILL: "Outside observer" it is then! [SG1 GO THROUGH THE EARTH, BIG ROCK IN TOW.] TEAL'C: Woohoo! Who da man? CARTER: It's a shame they had to edit this bit out. [TEAL'C STARTS TO SPACE WALK.] CARTER: Maybe not... O'NEILL: Well, seeing as we're about to die, I'd just like to say, Carter, I lo... TOK'RA: Yo! Whassup? CARTER: I'm so glad the Tok'ra hate fanfic. O'NEILL: Well, that was fun and we didn't suck by dying! JACKSON: Yeah, we rock. As if one of us could ever die. MERIDIAN WRITER: Hmmmmmmm.... THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to go on a "Tangent." *THWACK* Sorry, sorry...