Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "The Fifth Man" by Nan [SG-1 and Tyler are being attacked and driven back by a bunch of Jaffa.] Carter: This sucks! [Meanwhile, O'Neill and Tyler are pinned down.] O'Neill: Y'know what sucks even more? Carter: [on radio] What? O'Neill: You gotta leave us! Carter: [on radio] No! O'Neill: Yes! Carter: [on radio] No! O'Neill: Yes! Carter: [on radio] No! O'Neill: Yes! Carter: [on radio] No! O'Neill: Leave us-- Carter: [on radio] No! O'Neill: --and bring back reinforcements! Carter: [on radio] Okay! [Carter, Teal'c, and Daniel escape through the gate. On the other side...] Carter: ... and so we have to rescue O'Neill and Tyler! Hammond: Um... who's Tyler? Carter: Y'know... Tyler. Hammond: Um, no, I don't. Carter: What! Hammond: Something funky is going on. [On the planet...] O'Neill: This sucks. Hey, can you walk? Tyler: Probably not, but whatever! [They stagger off.] [On Earth...] Hammond: 'Kay, what the heck is going on? Carter: Uh... I just told you. Hammond: Yeah, but you're apparently nuts. Carter: Am not! Daniel: We have to go back for Jack and Tyler! Hammond: There is no Tyler! Daniel: Yes, there is! Hammond: No, there isn't! Carter: Is! Teal'c: Indeed! Hammond: Isn't! Hey, you! Soldier Guy: Me? Hammond: Escort them to the infirmary. Carter: Either we go back now with backup or we just go back and get ourselves killed. Cui bono. [Carter grabs her gun. All the nearby guards tense.] Hammond: Try it and I'll bust you down to sergeant. And I'll have these guys shoot you all. Carter: Um, here's my gun... [On the planet, O'Neill scouts the ruins.] Tyler: Ouchity-ouch-ouch-ouch. I suck. O'Neill: Meh. Tyler: You don't suck. You saved me. O'Neill: S'nothing. Weird reaction, army boy. Tyler: Meh. [On Earth...] Fraiser: Teal'c gonna be okay. Hammond: And SG-1? Fraiser: There's nothing wrong with SG-1. Yet. The "Is SG-1 Nuts?" test is still processing. Hammond: Keep them locked up. Fraiser: What about O'Neill? Hammond: Can't do anything until we figure out what's going on. Fraiser: That sucks. Hammond: Yeah. [In the billet-stockade, Carter paces.] Carter: This sucks! Daniel: Let's consider this for a sec. Only we seem to remember who the heck Tyler is. Teal'c: Weird. Daniel: Maybe this is an alternate reality. Carter: Meh. Teal'c: We have access to the base computers, don't we? Carter: Yep. Nuts, my password doesn't work. I'll have to hack the computers. Daniel: Can't that get you busted down to inmate-in-Leavenworth? Carter: Meh. [O'Neill inventories their explosives, food, et cetera.] O'Neill: This is our stuff. Tyler: Doesn't look like much. O'Neill: Nope. [In the SG-1 holding pen...] Carter: 'Kay, something funky is going on. No Tyler. Daniel: Maybe we're tripping. Carter: Whoa. Someone else has been surfing our secure files. Daniel: Like? Carter: Our personnel files. Daniel: Well, crap. [O'Neill checks stuff out.] O'Neill: We may be screwed. Tyler: I'm freakin' out. O'Neill: I'm getting a little suspicious. I'll go check stuff. [O'Neill leaves.] M.R.E. Label: Made in Tyler, Texas. [O'Neill scouts and is contacted by Hammond.] O'Neill: [over radio] Come get Tyler and me. [The UAV connection cuts out.] Hammond: He's been affected too. This day is lame enough to be a monday. Simmons: Yoo-hoo. Hammond: Kill me. Kill me now. Simmons: SG-1 is nuts, eh? I get to investigate! I get to investigate! Hammond: I hate you. Simmons: You're also stuck with me. And no using the red phone! Hammond: Not even to beat you senseless with it? [Simmons interviews Daniel.] Simmons: So, nutcase. Let's talk. Daniel: I hate you. [Fraiser finds some weird residue on Teal'c's jacket and starts hallucinating that she's seeing Tyler.] Fraiser: Oh, heck! Simmons: See! I have video! There is no Tyler! Daniel: I hate you. Simmons: Sarah Gardener. Chick with Osiris in her head. Do tell. Daniel: I hate you. Simmons: "We're" concerned that you're not top-form in the Goa'uld-related-judgement-making category. Daniel: I hate you. Fraiser: 'Kay, I'm freaking out. What does Tyler look like? Carter: Tall, cute, nice smile, great b-- Fraiser: 'Kay, I'm freakin' out. Carter: Don't say anything. They'll think you're nuts, too. Fraiser: Aren't I? [Hammond calls people, and realizes something funky is going on.] [On the planet...] O'Neill: Where ya from? Tyler: Uh... Texas. Like this thingie. What're we gonna do? O'Neill: Hide. Tyler: Won't work. O'Neill: Uh, maybe... I'm getting a little weirded out here. Tyler: That could be because I don't act like an army kid. O'Neill: I think that's it. Simmons: Teal'c, you suck. Teal'c: I hate you. And I'm loyal. Simmons: Oh yeah? How do I know you aren't still Goa'uld? Teal'c: 'Cos I'm showing restraint and not turning you into a wall hanging. [A glider swoops overhead.] O'Neill: Glider. Gliders suck. [O'Neill goes and shoots the glider down.] Tyler: Cool. O'Neill: I'm getting a little suspicious. Simmons: You're nuts, chica. Carter: I hate you. Simmons: I could have you busted down to sergeant. Carter: You suck. Moreover, I know you've been going through our computers. So NYER! Simmons: Crap. [O'Neill sets some explosives.] O'Neill: Here's a gun. Tyler: 'Kay, I have conscience issues.... Fraiser: 'Kay, I found memory goop on Teal'c's shirt. Chemical memory goop! Hammond: Weird. Fraiser: It affects the frontal lobe, where facial recognition centers are. Nan: And I refuse to TECH that! Simmons: And this MRI detailing the effects belongs to...? Fraiser: Er... me. But it's still valid! Simmons: Feh! [Simmons walks off. Hammond looks pitiably beleagured.] Fraiser: C'mon, sir. You may believe him over me, but I'm way cuter than he is. Hammond: Probably smarter too. Fraiser: Duh. Tyler: I brainwashed you. O'Neill: Meh. [Tyler morphs into a really cool alien.] Tyler: I escaped from the Goa'uld. My species can memory-camouflage. We make memory goop. I used it on you guys. Sorry. O'Neill: Weird. [O'Neill and Tyler sets off the explosives. Jaffa go flying. Really great battle scene.] [Tyler and O'Neill are ambushed.] O'Neill: Crap. [SG-1 arrives and saves them.] O'Neill: Woo-hoo! Carter: Hey-ho. We're here. We kick Jaffa! O'Neill: Tyler's cool, Teal'c. Not with the weapon-aiming. Tyler: We're weird and technologically primitive. The Reol. Is we. The Reol. The Goa'uld are trying to figure out the chameleon thing. Goa'uld suck. O'Neill: Oh. Got anywhere to go? Tyler: Yeah. O'Neill: Nuts. [They find that the gate is surrounded by legions of Jaffa.] O'Neill: Crap. Tyler: I'll go on a suicide mission. O'Neill: No. Tyler: I'll go on a very-likely-suicide-mission. O'Neill: No. Daniel, stay with... uh... Tyler: Kya-ya-yei. O'Neill: ...Tyler. And Tyler, take Carter's zat so you can shoot Daniel. Tyler + Carter: 'Kay. Teal'c: Let's fix this cannon. O'Neill: Cool. Daniel: This episode wouldn't be complete without me getting creamed. Fire away. Tyler: I feel real conflicted about this but... [ZAP!] Simmons: You suck, General. Hammond: You suck. Simmons: This place sucks. Hammond: Actually, you suck. Simmons: Veiled threat. Ta ta! [Tyler leads off the Jaffa.] O'Neill: Crap. Teal'c: May as well leave now. [Tyler is caught.] [Teal'c mows down the Jaffa with the cannon. They save Tyler.] Tyler: You saved me! O'Neill: Yep. Let's go home. By the way, let's be allies. Tyler: Eh, mebbe. I'll tell the others that you guys are cool. [Tyler leaves.] SG-1: Ta ta. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to get dosed with chemical memory goop.