Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "The Fifth Race" by Nan Note: this one was very visual, so I had a lot of exposition to put in. And they all talk like teenagers. I have no idea; it just happened. :) [After viewing the MALP footage, Daniel gushes.] Daniel: Hey! Let's go check this place out! O'Neill: Why? Daniel: Because. Teal'c: Yeah. O'Neill: 'Kay. [Upon finding an empty room.] O'Neill: This sucks. [Daniel tries to make contact.] Daniel: Helloooo? We come in peace! Ignore the barbaric weapons! O'Neill: Let's blow. I've gotta do laundry. Daniel: But-- O'Neill: Zip it! [O'Neill walks over a tile and a device appears on the wall.] O'Neill: Hmmm... a strange aperture. Teal'c! Go stick your head in it. Teal'c: 'Kay. Teal'c: I don't see anything but flashy things. O'Neill: Lemme see! Daniel: Doesn't any of this concern you? Carter: If I was paying attention it would. [The device grabs O'Neill's head, then drops him. He passes out.] Hammond: So... what the heck happened? Daniel: Jack stuck his head in the thing. Teal'c: I also stuck my head in the thing. Hammond: And...? O'Neill: He saw... lights... bright... flashy... lights... [Everyone stares.] O'Neill: Quit looking at me like that. Hammond: Um, why did it go wiggy on you and not Teal'c? Carter: The snake, you think? O'Neill: I don't care, we're here, home, can we go? Carter: Dude, you're freaking right out. O'Neill: Not freaking out! Nothing wrong with me! Daniel: You're supposed to say "cruvus". O'Neill: Why? Daniel: Because it forwards the plot. Duh. O'Neill: Right. There is nothing cruvus with me! [Everyone stares.] O'Neill: Quit it! [O'Neill tries to teach Teal'c to box.] O'Neill: Put on the gloves so you don't brain me. Teal'c: Nuts. O'Neill: Okay, now you move around. Dance. Keep your-- Teal'c: You're supposed to say-- O'Neill: --cozars bent. Cozars! Teal'c: You said cozars. Heh. [Daniel's office.] O'Neill: I'm freaking out! Daniel: You didn't say-- O'Neill: I've lost the falatis to speak properly! Daniel: Dude, you're freakin' out. O'Neill: I'm also reading a Latinate language! It's all in my fran! Arrrgh! [O'Neill has filled up a chalkboard with the Latinate language.] Carter: Dude... he's freaking out. Daniel: Massively. Fraiser: Duh. He's using too much brain. Carter: You mean he's using ten percent?! Fraiser: Um, more than that. Carter: Um... right. Carter: Uh, sir? Whatcha doin'? O'Neill: I need this green tubie thing. Carter: Why? O'Neill: Not a clue. It's like, why should I buy CDs when I can just get MP3s for free? Carter: Ah... Hammond: So? Carter: He's freaking out. Fraiser: He's thinking too much. Daniel: I think the thing he stuck his head into installed a new language in his brain. Hammond: Harsh. Daniel: Yeah. [Hammond walks in on O'Neill fiddling with the gate computer.] Hammond: What're you doing? O'Neill: Not a clue. It's like, Why learn that X times X3; equals X4 when I'll never use it? Hammond: Um, knock it off. O'Neill: Can't. Not a clue why. It's like-- Hammond: Teal'c, for god's sake, move him! Teal'c: Moving, sir. Carter: Hey look! New Stargate coordinates! Daniel: Okay, maybe they stuck the Ancient Library of Congress into his head. Everyone Else: Feh. Carter: I know you can't speak english anymore, but what do the scribblies on the chalkboard mean? O'Neill: [Most of it says "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."] Carter: Sir, I need you to communicate with me here... O'Neill: [The second bit says "Daniel is a geek, Goa'uld suck, and Carter's a babe."] Carter: Do you understand what I'm saying? [O'Neill writes "10=8".] Carter: "Ten equals eight." Does that mean that all of their larger numerical units are based on eights? O'Neill: [I was trying to write "shut up and kiss me".] Carter: Eureka! I'm going to go crunch numbers! O'Neill: Arrgh! Hammond: Field trip: we'll send SG-1 to one of the planet that O'Neill entered into the computer. Daniel: I'm gonna stay here so I can translate for Jack, even though I don't understand what he's saying exactly. Everyone: Groovy. [SG-1 goes and gets stuck on a desert planet that has two suns.] Carter: Sir, we're screwed! Hammond: Daniel? Daniel: Not a clue. Siler? Siler: Don't talk to me! I'm a redshirt! [Jack frantically draws the schematics for the DHD.] Daniel: Jack, do you have any brilliant ideas on how to save Carter, Teal'c, and the redshirt? O'Neill: [Yes.] Fraiser: "Shut up and go away"? O'Neill: [Yes!] [SG-1 fixes the DHD and returns home.] Teal'c: We didn't find anything. We suck. Carter: Yeah. Daniel: Jack's built some kind of doohicky. What is it? Carter: I dunno. [The gate starts dialing on its own.] Carter: As Neo so eloquently put it in "The Matrix".... "whoa!" Eight chevrons. Cool. Hammond: O'Neill? What the heck are you doing? O'Neill: [What are you saying?] Daniel: He can't understand us. Like punk kids and their parents. O'Neill: [Eh?] Hammond: O'Neill, you know we can't give you an iris code. You'll be stuck on whatever planet you go to. O'Neill: [Henh? I'm going through the gate, so...] Carter: He went out of the galaxy! And the doohicky isn't working anymore, so we can't follow. This sucks. [O'Neill ends up on the Asgard homeworld, Othalla. One of the Asgard zaps him with something, removing the Ancient's Library of Congress from his head.] Asgard1: Hey. O'Neill: Hey. Wow, you guys are short. And grey. And naked. Asgard2: Meh. We're way above you. What's up? O'Neill: Nothin' much. Asgard2: You're more advanced than we thought. Asgard1: Cool. A little background: we are one of the member species of a great alliance of four: us, the Nox, the Furlings, and the Ancients. O'Neill: Cool. Asgard2: You show promise, so you might be the "Fifth Race". Hence the title of the episode. You can go home. O'Neill: Cool. [O'Neill returns home.] O'Neill: I'm home! I can speak English! Daniel: What happened? O'Neill: No clue. But I think everything's peachy. Everyone: Cool. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to get your brain partly overwritten.