Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Fire and Water" by Nan [SG-1 exits the Stargate.] O'Neill: We're back! Carter: We're wet! Teal'c: We're post-traumatic! Hammond: Uh... where's Daniel? O'Neill: Finito. Done-das. Pushing up daisies. On the stairway to Heaven. Or the bullet train to Heck. Stiff. Of a predominately grey hue. Cacked. Cold and clammy. Defunct. Departed. Bygone. Carter: He's dead, sir. O'Neill: Didn't I say that? Carter: In the original episode, yeah. Teal'c: Indeed. [SG-1 starts freaking out as they're being checked out.] Carter: I'm cold! I'm wet! I'm post-traumatic! O'Neill: Me too! Teal'c: Indeed. Fraiser: General, I think they're freakin' out. Hammond: Yeah-hunh. [The wake.] O'Neill: Daniel Jackson... didn't suck. Everyone: Here here! [The wake.] Teal'c: What's with all the food? Carter: Wakes are parties for the dead. Teal'c: So, you're supposed to eat, drink, and be merry? Carter: Yeah, but I'd watch it: I think the Colonel was involved in the catering. [O'Neill freaks out and smashes Hammond's car window.] O'Neill: 'Kay, I'm freakin' out! Hammond: Just be glad I haven't brought you up on charges. You also have to go through his stuff. O'Neill: 'Kay. [Daniel wakes up in the cool underwater lab thingie.] Daniel: 'Kay... Hey, cool, ancient stuff! Nem: ['Kay, what the heck happened to my wife?] Daniel: Henh? What are you saying? Nem: [My wife, stupid! what happened to her? Omerrocca. My wife. Do I need to gesticulate or something?] Daniel: Read this wall here? Nem: ['Kay, this is starting to suck.] [At Daniel's apartment, going through his stuff.] Carter: Diary. Oooh, gotta read. Did you know he was on an episode of Highlander? O'Neill: "I saw an old syndicated episode of The X-Files last night. That escort-slash-succubus looked a lot like Carter, but with longer hair—" Carter: Hey, shut up! Ooooh, fishtank, bubbles, flashback. Daniel: 'Kay, where are my friends? Nem: Gone. I made 'em think you cacked. Daniel: You suck! Nem: You suck. Tell me what happened ot my wife. Now. Daniel: I can't, because you haven't blasted me with that memory thing. Nem: Gimme a minute. O'Neill: 'Kay, I'm freakin' out again. Nem: Speak! Daniel: No! I mean... I can't! Teal'c: 'Kay, I'm freakin' out again. Daniel: Hey, Nem, ever read Total Recall? Doctor: 'Kay, you guys are freakin' out, so we're gonna hypnotise one of you. Who's up for it? Carter: Me! Me! Doctor: 'Kay, close your eyes and go back. Carter: I ate a sandwich a little while ago. Wasn't very good. Really ticked me off, too, Daniel being dead. Doctor: Farther back then that. Sheesh. Carter: That gurney was really cold, and the make-up guy really slathered that glowing paint stuff all over my face. Doctor: Not that far back. Stay within the context of this show. Carter: 'Kay. Arrrrgh! Daniel! Doctor: Just a smidge back from that. Carter: Hey, an alien. He looks like a catfish. Heh. Uh, um, we were just abducted and put in a machine thing. Oh no! We left him behind! Someone hug me! [O'Neill hugs Carter.] O'Neill: Now we exhibit steely resolve. Hammond: Something really weird is going on. Fraiser: So? Hammond: Something really weird that we're gonna investigate. Fraiser: Oh. Well, let's send SG-1 through. Hammond: 'Kay, cool. [Daniel ends up in the memory thing.] Daniel: Aaaaa--a Goa'uld--aaaa--named Bellas--aaaarrrrr--killed--rrrrggg--Omerocca--ghhh! Nem: This sucks! Daniel: Why am I flashing back to The Outer Limits? I haven't even done that yet! Nem: Oops. Sorry. I forgot to turn it off. Now where's that switch? Daniel: It's okay... I'm always having the heck painfully extracted from me. It's a th--aaaarrrrrrgghhhh--eme of the sh--aaaauuuugh--ow. Nem: Um, the button's stuck. This'll take a sec. Daniel: O--auuuugh--kay. [SG-1 goes back to the planet.] O'Neill: The decor is lame. Carter: There's enough volanic vents nearby... you'd think the noxious chemicals they're sending out would make us pass out or something. O'Neill: So that's what that is. I thought it was just because Teal'c has indigestion from those sandwiches we had earlier. Teal'c: Who packed the Tums? [Daniel and Nem come out of the water.] Daniel: Hey everyone! This is Nem. The Goa'uld killed his wife. Nem: The Goa'uld suck. Everyone: Here here. Carter: Sorry for being a pain. We didn't mean ta. Nem: Meh. Thanks for being cool, archaeology boy. Daniel: No prob. Carter: Wanna ally with us? Nem: Nah, I'll just blow you off. Later. O'Neill: We thought you were dead! Daniel: Meh. Your breath smells funny. Carter: Blame Wake Boy here. O'Neill: Carter, don't spoil the--burp--family moment. [They walk off into the sunset.] THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to get cold, wet, and post-traumatic.