Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "The First Commandment" by The One The Asgard Call O'Pipp EVIL ALIENS: Ooooga booga! SG SOMETHING OR OTHER: Argh! No! Evil Aliens! EVIL ALIENS: Hey, that's a misrepresentation. SG SOMETHING MEMBER: Right, here's the plan, you distract them by dying in agonising pain whilst I make it to safety. SG SOMETHING MEMBER #1: Wait, instead of going home I think Ill just stay here and conveniently set up a plot. O'PIPP: Hey, why didnt you just go home and tell SG-1? SG SOMETHING MEMBER #1: Mmm...well... just get SG-1 already. CARTER: Well, I think its about time we learned the fate of some of my ex-boyfriends. O'NEILL: Why? CARTER: Because its the first season and we haven't met Narim yet. DANIEL: Hey, look, trees.. hope they're not hiding anything, y'know, eeeeeeevil. EVIL ALIENS: We just want to be loved! SG SOMETHING MEMBER: Hey, Jonas is a bad, bad man. DANIEL: Look, its season one, and I'm not even dead yet! SG SOMETHING MEMBER: No, I mean the less evil Jonas, y'know cough-cough-ahem Jonas. CARTER: Ah, that Jonas. CARTER: Hey, time to reveal the fact that I was engaged. O'NEILL: Look, I thought we'd discussed this. CARTER: I was referring to this universe. ALT-O'NEILL: So the wedding's off then? O'PIPP: Oh, just insert your own joke here. DANIEL: I love the smell of burning alien in the morning. TEAL'C: Smells like... CARTER: Injustice brewing! I'm off to get captured now. Later. DANIEL: Fine, Teal'c and I will do the male bonding thing then! TEAL'C: I think they cut that scene. DANIEL: They did? O'NEILL: My shipper sense is tingling! DANIEL: Um.. O'NEILL: Holy mother of Chewbacca! You didn't let Carter get captured did you? DANIEL: Er, I believe it's "Sam." O'NEILL: What did your last love interest die of? DANIEL: She's not dead, just semi-dead and being used as a host, ok? JONAS: I knew it! I knew it! I'm back! Jonas Quinn is back! And here to stay! CARTER: What have you done with the real Jonas? The slightly-less-irritating-one I mean! THE REAL JONAS: Yeah, you're so gonna suffer now. CARTER: Hey, there's, like, a flaw in your plan... JONAS: What, there's a convenient loophole that states everyone who even vaguely has a crush on Carter must die? CARTER: Foreboding. JONAS: Yeah, well, um, just turn the sky orange already. ABUBU THE NATIVE: Hey, look. Water. Wow. This certainly has been an interesting day.. [CLONK] ABUBU: Will you be my friend? O'NEILL: What? We don't get Jonas until season 6, do we? ABUBU: Jonas. We love Jonas. I haven't been brainwashed or anything. O'NEILL: Whatever, wanna become an insurgent, betray your people, wife, children, friends and your god? ABUBU: Um. I dunno... TEAL'C: Hey, why didn't I say that? ABUBU: We love Jonas, cause he's going to turn the sky orange. O'NEILL: Why? ABUBU: Cause... it'll be pretty? O'NEILL: Why? ABUBU: Um... O'NEILL: Why? ABUBU: Cause we couldn't afford pink, ok? TEAL'C: Meh, give me some paintbrushes, a little splash of yellow ochre and orange, I could do that. O'NEILL: Pssst. BURNING GUY: Hey, you're here to rescue me? O'NEILL: Well, I was going to try and kill everyone and eat their brains, but I like your plan much better. EVIL ALIENS: No. They are escaping. Stop them, someone. Stop them. O'NEILL: Hey, look over there! Some factor 60! TEAL'C: Good evening discerning viewer, and welcome to Teal'c's Wonderful World of Watercolour. Tonight we're going to learn how do draw a stick person and a little circle. JONAS: Hey look what I'm building, aren't I neat? CARTER: Um... JONAS: Wanna marry me now? CARTER: Look, we already did Emancipation. JONAS: Yeah, what did happen to that guy who tried to kill/marry you? CARTER: Um... nothing. JONASS PERSONAL LOG, STARDATE 5367.35: I'm God. Yay me. O'NEILL: Right, would you like to tell me why you ever went out with this guy? CARTER: A date with God, that's gotta get you a promotion, right? O'NEILL: But he's not God. CARTER: Yeah, and he didn't tell me that till after he proposed. Men! ABUBU: Can I have my clothes back please? O'NEILL: I think we all learnt something from this episode. CARTER: I should never date. TEAL'C: Art was my real calling. DANIEL: And if I want more lines I should get an evil wif--Drat. O'NEILL: Anyway, if there's one thing I like to remember from the Bible, its the fact we should be happy that their planet is screwed, and not ours. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to not pack enough SPF 5000.