Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "The First Ones" by Akire SG-11: Dig dig, ignore geekboy over there. Daniel: I'm going to make some startling leaps of logic which are correct even if I have no real evidence to back them up. Rothman: And I'm going to call you on them then give this find another really corny name. Then I'm going to annoy the soldiers by lording over them. Daniel: [to nearby soldier] Don't mind him, he wasn't socialised as a puppy. Rothman: Hey Danny, I'm going over here to advance the plot and give the bad visual effects time to whump you. Daniel: Can we not and say we did? Rothman: Hey, at least you have a chance to survive the episode, Bandana Boy! Stargate: Whoosh! Rothman: Pant pant, hey look, I'm playing the hero. Oh, O'Neill, your darling Spacemonkey was nicked by an Unas. Jack: Let me at 'im! Grrrr! Anyone to Rothman, from here on in: Give that boy a red shirt! Daniel: Radio bad, got it. Nice threads, by the way. Unas: Shut up and walk, bandana boy. Jack: Okay, let's go get back my Spacemonkey. Geekboy, HEEL! Daniel: Anyone realised that I can talk into this tape, but not my radio? Unas: Shh! It's a future plot point! Don't you read the script? Daniel: Tape good. Got it. The rescue teams: Trudge, trudge. Daniel: (into tapedeck) This is the last will and testament of lunch… Unas: Will you shut up, I'm trying to howl at the moon properly. Daniel: Werewolf impersonations good. Got it. UAV: Buzzzzzzz *cough* *splutter* Carter: Technobabble says we're on the right track. Jack: Carter, put down the Gameboy and focus. Carter: But sir, I'm on the tenth level! Wet Daniel: When did this become Jaws? Unas: Bloody tourists! Never read the 'No Swimming' sign. Wet Daniel: Water bad. Got it. Unas: Let me catch a snake-torpedo and smear you with its suddenly blue blood to make sure you get the point. Wet Daniel: That's just sick. And the blood only turns clear in the next fiver. Solider: Sir! We found Hawkins doing mime in the woods! Hawkins: War is hell, m'kay? Daniel: Nice cave. Who'd you get in? Unas: There's a fire in there with this snake's name on it. Daniel: Oh, so I'm not lunch? Unas: Wouldn't go that far, bandana boy. Rescue Team: Trudge trudge. Carter: Are we there yet? Daniel + Unas: Nan - Ka - Nan - Ka. Nan: You rang? Daniel + Unas: Symbiote Volleyball! Woohoo. Rescue Team: Trudge trudge. Carter: Are we there yet? Daniel: I met my father-in-law this way [hey look, pre-fivered!] Unas: I don't kiss on the first date. Jack: Hmm, something weird with mime-boy over there. Rothman: Sorry, if it ain't dead, I don't know. Daniel: I am geek, hear me ROAR! Unas: Okay. Daniel: YEEEOOOUCH! Okay, I am going to die. Teal'c: (blowing flying snakes out of the sky from over his shoulder) I am so cool. Teal'c: Tie yourselves up. Everyone else: Kinky. Why? Teal'c: 'Cos I am so cool. Daniel: Why am I explaining abstract notions to a primitive alien in English? Farscape at least has translator microbes. Unas: But subtitles are so Original Series. Unas: Is that tweezers in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Daniel: If I say the latter, will you let me go? Unas: Your bedside manner sucks. Rothman: We have to do Brooklyn sass once before I go. Sass, sass! I haven't got a snake in my head, no siree. Not me. Jack: Okay. Daniel: Dawdle dawdle, doodle doodle. Teal'c: Like my trap? Carter: Yeah. Teal'c: I am so… Rothman: DIE!!! Teal'c: Damn white boy. Daniel: Dawdle dawdle, doodle doodle. Teal'c: This way. Jack: Why? Sign on Rock: This way. Jack: You are so cool. Unas: Growl. Unas2: Growl. Daniel: Ooh, good comeback. Unas Pack in background: Mighty Morphin Unas Rangers! Jack: Daniel, I think you're starting to hang with a bad crowd. Daniel: Shut up Jack, I'm making friends. Jack: Like on Kheb? Daniel: Have we done that yet? Wish these fiver writers would do things in order. Fiver writers: HEY! Unas: Primal Scream therapy time. Jack: I think we just gave the boy a promotion. Do we get a kickback? Unas: You come back and see us some time, y'all. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to get smeared with Goa'uld body fluids.