Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Forsaken" by Hejira Sam: Sir, Monty Python songs aren't the best ones to sing when you're not supposed to be picking up nearby chicks. From what I can see, unless your name's short for Jacqueline, I'm the only one here. Jack: Um... er... ooo! I was singing to this picture. Sam: You just found it! Jack: I wouldn't have found it if I wasn't singing, would I? Sam: I need a distraction... quick. Entity, Jolinar, Goa'ulded Kawalsky, and Nirrti: Well... Sam: Not that quick. Entity, Jolinar, Goa'ulded Kawalsky, and Nirrti: Damn. Jonas: Hey! Teal'c and I found something! Jack: Okay, where are you? Jonas: At this very interesting thing. Jack: I can't see a very interesting thing. Jonas: Oh... er... Teal'c, would you mind my standing on your shoulders and waving your staff weapon high into the air? Teal'c: Things around here have sunk to a new low. Pip: See? It's all because of Jonas... Hejira: Shut up! Nan: You gotta admit, Jonas standing on Teal'c shoulders and waving his staff weapon around does sound like a very interesting thing. Sam: Wow - a crashed ship! Jack: Keep going with the acrobatics, guys. Sam: I wonder where the survivors are... Aidan: We're watching the show. All Squinty Watchers: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Vern: My work has been done... wait, is this Full Circle? All Squinty Watchers: No... [shudder] Vern: Ah well. Jonas: We're nice. Jack: Unless you annoy us, then we can be downright evil snots. Aidan: Eeek. Sam: We're from Earth. Jack: Shh... Jonas: We came through the... Jack: SHH!!! Teal'c: An idiot says 'shh'. Jack: SHH - it's not fair, it really isn't. Aidan: Got fuel? Jack: Nope. Aidan: Care to give us a lift? Nan: You didn't catch the girl's name again, did you? Hejira: Shut up! Pip: It's all because of Jonas... Hejira: I'll buy that. Aidan: As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted...care to give us a lift? Teal'c: Please, not again. Aidan: Not like that... a lift with your ship. Sam: Ship or 'ship? Aidan: First one. Sam: Don't have one, then. Jonas: We used the Stargate. Jack: Damn you! Aidan: What's that then. Jack: Don't worry about it - Jonas and Sam: We're going to tell you everything! Starting with how to use it, where it is, and where we keep the addresses. Wait, scratch that last one. Aliens: Peekaboo, we see you. Jack: Why did you have to blab about everything?!? Jonas: I don't think we said everything... Sam: Let's see... that time where we found the trinium and the base was taken over by a dog, the time I nearly broke Thor's neck, the whole zatarc thing, Daniel's ascension... we didn't mention Ba'al... Jack: Guh, buh buh guh. Sam: Whoops. I'll, uh, just go fix the ship. Jack: Do that, Carina. Sam: Guh, buh buh guh... Jonas: We just got word from the SGC - Hammond's shocked he's alive and Janet's sobbing about just being a nurse. Yet again. Jack: Sad, but they have to learn that I rule all. Teal'c: Did I see you guys? Aliens: No. Teal'c: Okay then. Jack: Carter, get into the ship. You've had enough whumping. Sam: No I haven't. Jack: You're right. Get in there anyway. Sam: You suck. Teal'c: Seriously, did I see you guys? Aliens: Umm...yeah. Teal'c: Oh crap. Jack: I'll just injure an alien. Pender: DIEDIEDIEYOUSILLYALIENS!!!! Jack: See, injury doesn't have the same effect when the person, alien, or - hell - the plant dies. Sam: Hey! And take note that I was shooting anyway. Jack: Noted. The gunshots sound weird. Sam: They sound cool. Jack: Weird. Sam: Cool. Jack: Weird. Sam: Cool. Jack: Weird. Jonas: I don't know if you two noticed over your bickering, but there was a very annoying high-pitched sound that drove the aliens away. Sam: Cool. Jack: Weird. Sam: Cool. Jack: Weird. Jonas: I'll take that as a no. Teal'c: The alien's dead. Jack: Aww nuts. Why am I saying 'aww nuts'? It's weird. Sam: It's cool. Jack: Weird. Sam: Cool. Jonas: Cut it out! Aidan: Hee hee - whoops. Um, those guys hate us. Jack: I wonder why. Aidan: Is it because of my nice butt? Jack: Somehow I doubt it. Sam: The chick's injured. Jack: Any excuse to go home. Sam: These people are so cool! They have technology that I can't wait to sink my teeth into! George: Wait, dammit. Sam: Yes, sir. George: Take SG-15, just in case things go bad. Jonas: With all due respect sir, if things go bad, we'll be needing guns, not pictures to say, "I told you so." George: Maybe the flash on the cameras'll blind them...Is it just me, or is my state of not-deadness somehow wrong? Sam: I don't know - I'm just trying to forget that you're bald. Pender: Your guns suck. Jack: So do your morals. Aidan: Remember - the alien dudes are bad, okay? Jack: I'll try my best, but I forgot how telescopes work even though I have one on my roof. Aidan: Riiiiiiiiiiight. I am so gonna score. Jonas: Here is your guide to What's Good and Bad About the 'Gate. Chick: I'm oh so listening. Nan: "Chick"? Teal'c's right - things have sunk to a new low. Hejira: Okay, stop butting into my fiver. Nan: Dude, you're the one writing it. Hejira: Oh. Well... um... it's all because of Jonas. Pip: Yes! I have corrupted the Jonas-lover! Hejira: Liker. Pip: Lover. Hejira: Liker. And before we get caught up in a - Pip: Lover. Hejira: - loop, I must point out - Liker - that there are heaps of Disney - Pip: Lover. Hejira: - movies that indicate - Liker - that Pip's the one that... Pip: Hejira: Ah, nice. Aidan: The ship sucks. Sam: Ship or 'ship? Aidan: First one. Sam: Agreed. But I can make sure it gets better. Aidan: Right. Can I hit on you? Sam: What do you think about death? Aidan: Has to happen sometime. Sam: Flirt away. Alien: Wow. Jack: Hi. Pender: DIEDIEDIEYOUSILLYALIEN!!!! Jack: An idiot shouts... Pender: DIEDIEDIEYOUSILLYALIEN!!!! Jack: This is really fun. Teal'c: Indeed. Jack: Carter, we saw an alien. Are you in a place where you could get whumped by them? Sam: No. I'm in the ship with a captain who has a death wish. Jack: Good. I'm gonna catch me an alien. Sam: Wow, it's hot. Aidan: I didn't notice. [Turns up thermostat just a bit further.] My navigator's an idiot and my first officer's a lesbian. Can I look at your zat? Sam: My what? Aidan: The weapon that shoots blue energy. Sam: Oh. That. Sure. Jack: More forest. Oh fun. George: It sorta looks like a certain chick's gone and hacked into the SGC files. Jonas: That's funny - it sorta looks like the ship has the name of another ship which is funny. George: Interesting. Jonas: Funny. George: Interesting. Jonas: Funny. Oh no, now I'm caught up in a - George: Interesting. Jonas: Funny. Teal'c: Ooo - a camp. Jack: I don't believe a word of Corso or his crew. Teal'c: That was obvious. Jack: How so? Teal'c: Your name is Jack O'Neill. Pender: DIEDIEDIEYOUSILLYALIEN!!!! Jack: That guy never learns, does he? Sam: The ship works! Aidan: Ship or 'ship? Sam: Doesn't matter. Aidan: Let's get drunk. Sam: No thanks. Aidan: You're only interested in me for my tech, aren't you? Sam: Of course not! Jonas: Here's some artifacts. Chick: Kiss me! Artifacts: We've never gone bungee jumping before... where's the cord? Phone: It's too late to ask about that now, isn't it? Oh, and General Hammond's calling. George (Over phone): Interesting. Jonas (Over phone): Funny. [Hangs up.] Okay, I'll be going now. Chick: I'll be... snooping around and cleaning my teeth. Sam: What's this? Message: Dude, there's something not right here! Sam: Reading you loud and clear. Jack: Where are you, Pender? Alien: I don't know where he is. Look, there's something not right here. Jack: I knew it. Alien: I'm the captain, Aidan's no one... except a really bad dude. Sam: Hello, Aidan. Aidan: You're pointing the zat at me - is this part of the death wish thing? Sam: No, that usually comes without any help from me. What's this about the ship transporting prisoners? Aidan: Uh... um... I messed up and the prisoners took control - those aliens are the prisoners. Sam: Loser. You've even lost my radio. Alien: Anyone seen that Voyager episode where Chakotay was enlisted into an army? Teal'c: Yep. Jack: Nup. Alien: Well, things are pretty much like that. They're the prisoners, and we're the good guys. Jack: So...Carter's in prime whumping territory? Sam: Sir, I found my radio. Jack: Good. Just don't get whumped. Sam: Yes sir. Pender: Time to get whumped, Major. Sam: That's just not crick - ungh. Pearce: Hello, General. George: What's been happening? Pearce: We've taken lots of nice photos... George: We're sending Jonas and the chick back. Jonas: Hi. Pearce: Say cheese! Aidan: Carter's smart - way too smart. Fixed the ship and found that jigsaw puzzle piece that went missing. Too bad we flicked the other pieces into the alien's eyes. Jonas: Woah, unconscious blonde chick at twelve o'clock! Aidan: Hi. Jonas: Ack. Zat is ouchie. Chick: Hey, howzabout we go through the 'gate instead of going on the ship? Aidan: Sounds good. Jack: Carter got whumped! Alien: Don't do anything. Jack: But Carter got whumped! Alien: I see that doing anything isn't a problem of yours right now. Jack: I can't believe that Carter got whumped! Teal'c: No one heard you complain when you shot her twice. Jack: It was an internal self-whumping. Sound: Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii... Alien: This is very, very, very annoying. Still, what must be done must be done. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow... sound off. Owwww... Sam: They taped my mouth up with duct tape. Jack: Guh, buh buh guh... Teal'c: That was probably the most stupid thing you've ever done. Sam: Really? I must have been drunk. Can't remember a thing. Go save Jonas, sir. Jack: Yes, ma'am. Sam: Ahh. Sweet superiority. Aidan: Let us through the 'gate, or Jonas dies. Pip: You know, they really shouldn't let them through the 'gate... Hejira: If you dislike Jonas so much, you should know that making his life a living hell would be better than just letting him die. "What Would Khan Do?" should be your philosophy. Pip: Explain. Chick: You're cute, Jonas. Jonas: Really? Aidan: I'm not sure how that translates, as she's a lesbian. Jonas: Uh huh. Oh god. Oh dear god. Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my life really really sucks. *sniffle* Hejira: See? Pip: The jury's still out... but it was fun to see! Aidan: What the hell are we doing here? George: Getting arrested. Aidan: No kidding. Alien: You smartass. Jonas: Thank you. Alien: By the way, Colonel, you were singing to a picture of my wife. Jack: I was not! Sam: Really? So what's your excuse now? Jack: I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay? THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to appear in a fiver in grand MST3K style. Or sing to a picture of somebody's wife. One of those.