Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Forsaken" by Terry Franchetti Sam: Look! I've pointed this telescope at the Nebula! Jack: (looks through the telescope) I can't see anything Sam: It's daylight doofus! Of course you can't see anything! Jack: Well how did you point it the right way then? Sam: Err... Jack: And even if it was, doesn't this planet rotate? So in five or six hours won't you need to point the telescope in another direction? Sam: Err... Jonas: Look! A Spaceship! Teal'c: Are not the odds astronomically unlikely that it would crash so close to the Stargate and just when we happen to be here? Plot Gods: BOO! HISS! SNARL! Jonas: (whispers) Teal'c, you're not supposed to notice things like that! Teal'c: Surely a crashed ship would be in pieces? Or at least have made a large crater? Or started a fire in the immediate vicinity? Plot Gods: BOO! HISS! SNARL! Jonas: Teal'c, don't make me come over there! Jack: Cool, a ship. Notice how relaxed I am about the possibility of aliens turning up? Sam: At least it's not a Goa'uld ship, sir. Jonas: Or even worse Tok'ra. Jack: What? Tok'ra? Where? AAAARGH! Teal'c: Heh, heh, heh. Alright, give me five minutes and then it's my turn to set him off again. Captain: Alright guys the reasonable thing to assume is that more prison guards from homeworld have turned up so we're going to walk out and pretend to be guards too. Celtic Girl: Dibs on the cute one. Captain: No way! I'm having the blonde. Celtic Girl: That's right, if I don't want you, I must be gay. Celtic Guy: What about me? Who do I get? Captain: No-one, but you can shoot people later. Captain: Hi guys, lets all point our guns at each other so the audience can have a look at our weapons. Teal'c: And they can admire my physique. Jack: Love yourself later Teal'c. Teal'c: (opens mouth) Jonas: (quickly) Don't go there with a literal interpretation Teal'c. In fact, keep quiet for the rest of the show. Captain: So help us fix the ship and remember now, nobody should ask why we know so little about our own ship. Sam: Sounds good to me. How about some awkward flirting while I get it started? Captain: As long as you don't mind me throwing in some double-entendres. And while we're at it let's start with that 'get it started' crack. Sam: (sigh) It would almost be worth sleeping with him just to get the Plot Gods to kill him off later. Plot Gods: And we'll get rid of every guy who isn't Jack, sister. Just remember that. Reptile Guy1: Okay, you've got a gun that can rapid-fire so fire single shots and space them out, yeah? Reptile Guy2: And this will guarantee my survival even though it didn't work for the rest of the guards? Reptile Guy1: Oh sure. Jack: Wow, we're being shot at. I'd better try to wound him with a hail of bullets. Reptile Guy2: AAARGH! Jack: Or I suppose I could have used a zat gun. Reptile Guy1: They're using an annoying sound, I'd better run before they ramp up to Olivia Newton John records or even (gulp) The Bay City Rollers! Jonas: I'm going to have to take you to a hospital. Celtic Girl: Is this a flimsy excuse to get yourself a good sub-plot? Jonas: Ha! The Plot Gods never give me a good sub-plot Plot Gods: And we never will you (heavenly music) Daniel (end heavenly music) usurper! Reptile Guy1: Okay, I'm taking your dog-tag. This is to show the audience how much I care about my fallen comrades. Reptile Guy2: Yeah? And it's got nothing to do with your kleptomania? Jack: (leaps out) Y'know, now would be a good time to tell your side of the story. Reptile Guy1: I can't, I'm suddenly shy. Plot Gods: Move it along people, nothing to dwell on here. Celtic Guy: ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAPZAPZAPZAP! Jack: Don't you think you'd hit him if you actually pulled the trigger instead of shouting ZAP? Celtic Guy: This thing has a trigger? Cool! Now I can lay waste to that sucker. Jack: Not with an aim that bad. Celtic Guy: I'm a bad guy so naturally I can't shoot straight. Teal'c: Have you considered becoming a Jaffa? Sam: So now I've got the ship going I'll accidentally start the log, miraculously finding the last log entry. Plot Gods: Move it along people, nothing to dwell on here. Jonas: So the Goa'uld have lots of gold because Goa'uld and gold sound alike see? Celtic Girl: Hey, I come from a technologically advanced society, you'd think I'd know that rare metals and technology from other worlds would have a higher value than gold back home. Jonas: But you're smitten with the gold right? Celtic Girl: Oh sure. Plot Gods: Move it along people, nothing to dwell on here. Captain: So we're all back together again. Celtic Guy: I couldn't hit a barn if I was in it so I came back empty-handed. Celtic Girl: So Jack and Teal'c have a chance to find out the truth from Reptile Guy1? Celtic Guy: Naaah, what are the odds? Celtic Girl: Well I got a plan. Let's abandon this now-working ship and go to where there's lots of gold. Captain: Well we come from a technologically advanced... Celtic Girl: I already did that part. Captain: Sounds like a plan, let's go. Plot Gods: Move it along people, nothing to dwell on here. Sam: I'm bound hand and foot as well as being unconscious. Jonas: Damn those Plot Gods! Is there nothing they won't do to encourage the 'shippers? Reptile Guy1: Wow, isn't it strange that the sonic defence doesn't work on me this time? Plot Gods: Move it along people, nothing to dwell on here. Captain: Wow, we've arrived at the SGC. We're so overawed we'd better surrender and not say... threaten our hostage and get out of here. Plot Gods: Move it along people, nothing to dwell on here. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to wonder about that gold thing.