Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Frozen" by Nan [Antarctica. A scientist chick web-conferences with Carter.] Michaels: We may have found something cool. By may I mean we have, and it's bigly, hugely, bigly, hugely, big and cool. Carter: Er... the DHD from Antarctica might be fifty million years old. Cool, eh? Michaels: Cool. Other Scientist Guy: Yo! We found something cool! [SG-1 is flown to the Antarctic base...] Jonas: That plane is leaving...? O'Neill: Because it's cold. Hence the title of the episode. Michaels: Hey, wanna see something really cool? Jonas: Is it a frozen body from millions of years ago? Michaels: Oh, sure. Wreck my dramatic build up... Fraiser: Hey, this tissue sample looks weird. It's still viable. Jonas: Weird. Cool. [They start thawing out "Aiyana," the frozen woman.] Fraiser: Hey, I'll shine this light on her eye. Holy good gravy! She's alive! Jonas: She's hot. Cold, but hot. Fraiser: Oy. Carter: Hey, this is big stuff. Byers, go with that other guy and get ice core samples. Osbourne: I'm not Byers! The X-Files is over! Carter: Meh. [Aiyana comes to.] Jonas: Me Jonas. Michaels: Me Francine. Aiyana: A-ma-zing. [Michaels and Jonas report to the others.] Michaels: Dude! She's, like, cool. Uber healing powers. Everyone: Cool. [Jonas brings food.] Jonas: Yummy. Frozen dinner. Aiyana: A-ma-zing. Fraiser: Hey, maybe Aiyana's related to us. Carter: Maybe Aiyana's an Ancient. Fraiser: Maybe we're also part Ancient. Fraiser + Carter: Cool. Fraiser: Michaels is sick. Aiyana might be carrying a disease. We're stuck here. O'Neill: I hate quarantine episodes. Carter: I'm not fond of the freezing-to-death episodes, m'self. O'Neill (into radio): Hey! Byers, other guy! Yo! Where the cold-day-in-hell are you? Fraiser: Yeah, I got bupkis. Michaels is really sick. Byers and Woods probably are too. Feverish, amusingly enough. [Osbourne staggers in.] Osbourne: I'm... not... Byers. Agh. [O'Neill goes out to find Woods.] Carter: So, go out into that frozen wasteland and bring him back alive, okay? O'Neill: Gotcha. MajorClanger: And keep your hat on! [Jonas talks to Aiyana.] Jonas: Hey, can you understand what I'm saying? Aiyana: [nods] Jonas: Hey, can you tell us how you heal yourself? Aiyana: [shakes head] Jonas: Smeg. Aiyana: [nods] Jonas: At least I have lines. Aiyana: [nods] Jonas: Poor you. Aiyana: [nods] Jonas: You're gonna die in this episode, aren't you? Aiyana: [nods] Jonas: Bummer. Aiyanan: [nods] Carter: Wow. Aiyana could be really, really old. Fraiser: Cool. Jonas: Check it out: she understands me. How cool is that? Fraiser: Can she help? Jonas: Er... well... Hey--O'Neill's back. Everyone: Cool. [O'Neill returns with Woods. They find he is BADLY frostbitten.] Everyone: Ew. [Woods expires. Aiyana brings him back, fixing his nasty frostbite.] Everyone: Cool. Aiyana: [faints] Nan: Okay, the running jokes about temperature must stop! Carter: That's not coo-- Nan: Ah ah ah--careful! Jonas: Hey, can you save Byers and Michaels? Aiyana: [pause] Jonas: Osbourne and Michaels? Aiyana: [nods] [Aiyana saves Michaels and Osbourne.] O'Neill: Cool. Fraiser: Not so cool. Fraiser: Aiyana can't save us all. Seeing as how it weakens her. O'Neill: Well, crap. Fraiser: And all the un-healed are gonna get real sick pretty soon. Everyone: Well, that's not-- Nan: [glare] Everyone: --good. [Woods talks to Aiyana.] Woods: Hey. I-- Aiyana: [causes him to fall asleep.] Aiyana: [heals Carter, Fraiser, and Jonas.] Aiyana: [could use more dialogue.] [They find Aiyana passed out. She was trying to heal O'Neill. They are all evac'ed to the SGC.] Hammond: Why can't she heal herself? Fraiser: I guess it's a weird, alien thing. Hammond: Ah... Jonas: You rock. Aiyana: [smiles] Jonas: Please avoid dying. Aiyana: [shakes head] Jonas: Eh? Aiyana: My only line... is "sorry." Jonas: Wah. Aiyana: [dies] Jonas: [sniff] Thoren: Hey, we can stick a Tok'ra symbiote in him. Temporarily, I mean. Jonas: Um... [sniff] Carter: Aw. Aiyana was the only one who avoided the "cool" jokes. Everyone Except Thoren: [sniff] [Carter tries to convince O'Neill to accept the symbiote.] O'Neill: No. Carter: C'mon, it'll just be a time-share, and only till they find a new host. O'Neill: No. Carter: You'll die, otherwise. O'Neill: No. Carter: Please? O'Neill: Okay. [O'Neill is borne through the gate.] Everyone: [sniff] THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to [want more dialogue].