Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "The Gamekeeper" by Sara B Hammond: We want you to go to this planet. Carter: Looks advanced, could get some tech. Teal’c: I have never seen this place. Carter: It’s a paradise Jackson: *ah-choo* O’Neill: Eww, what are these machine things. Carter: Tech, hypothesis... medical chambers tech. SG-1: Arrgh, we’re being pulled into them machines. O’Neill: Huh? Wha? Teal’c: Indeed. [Truck pulls up.] O’Neill: Okay, you’re dead! John: We got a mission. O’Neill: I remember this, you died here! Teal’c, what d’ya think? Teal’c: We seem to have been taken back in time. You could change what happened here. O’Neill: Good idea [to John] We’re in. [Military stuff.] O’Neill: That bloke’s gonna kill ya. [John shoots him.] John: You can predict the future now? [shrug] Move out. Gunmen: Ha, you weren’t expecting us! [Bang, bang, bang!] O’Neill: Noooooooooooo! Director: Take two! [Truck pulls up Kawalsky and John get out.] O’Neill: Eh??? Jackson: Huh? Carter: What? Jackson: This planet seems a lot like the Art museum in New York--what’s it called? Carter: The New York Museum of Art. Jackson: Mum? Dad? Carter: Thought you were an orphan? Mummy Jackson: The coverstone is wobbling. DaddyJackson: We’ll be fine. [Cover stone crushes them] I can be wrong from time to time! Jackson: Noooooooooooo! [Jack’s past.] O’Neill: This is freaky. Teal’c: Maybe you’re stuck in your past until it turns out right. O’Neill: You mean I’ll be stuck here until I straighten out all 40 years?! O’Neill: Okay, let do this, again. [Scene plays out like before.] O’Neill: Aha, you gunmen you won’t get the better of me this time [shoots hedges]. Gunmen: Won’t we? [They appear from behind wall on the other side of the garden] [Bang, bang, bang!] O’Neill: Noooooooooooo! Director: Take three hundred and fifty. [Truck pulls up.] O’Neill: No, I’m not doing your stupid operation! John: Huh? The Keeper: You must. O’Neill: huh? The Keeper: You must repeat this day over and over, mawhahahaha! Now save your friends. O’Neill: No. [Daniel’s past.] Carter: Okay so this is what I think's going on: techno babble. Jackson: [sniff] My parents died again! Carter: It’s virtual reality. Daddy Jackson: Make sure you don’t drop the coverstone. Jackson: Huh? Mum, Dad? I must do something. Mum, Dad, I hurt my leg, :( help me. Mummy Jackson: Later. The coverstone is wobbling. Daddy Jackson: We’ll be fine. [Cover stone crushes them.] Jackson: Noooooooooooo! Carter: Daniel, smile for the fans. Jackson: Who? [The Residents wave.] Jackson: [sniff] I wanna make things better but I can’t. The Keeper: Sure you can, now go relive it again! Daddy Jackson: Make sure you don’t drop the coverstone. Jackson: You two are coming with me [drags them away]. Daddy Jackson: Do you want to be grounded! No? Now behave and let Mummy and Daddy get back to work! Mummy Jackson: The coverstone is wobbling. Daddy Jackson: We’ll be fine. [Cover stone crushes them.] Jackson: Noooooooooooo! [To the Keeper] I don’t like this game, I won’t play. The Keeper: Grrr. [Brings back Jack and Teal’c] Just because you’re losing! O’Neill: Grrr, let us go. The Keeper: What a boring lot you are, lets hope Urgo will lighten you up next season. What’s wrong with my reality? Carter: Virtual reality--tech--babble--tech--this isn’t real. Jackson: [sniff] Why are you doing this to us? The Keeper: The planet is polluted; I’m saving my people. Jackson: Well, I’ve never been one for flowers but polluted? Resident: Flowers? The Keeper: You must leave. O’Neill: Woohoo. Carter: That was easy. Teal’c: Indeed. O’Neill: Did you not hear me, I said "Woohoo." Jackson: Sam’s right, where are the end credits and the music? ... The episode’s not over yet. Fraiser: You’re all healthy - go debrief. Hammond: I want you to go back. Jackson: I knew we’d have to, I mean we’ve got to fill all 45 minutes of the ep, can’t have the afternoon off for once. O’Neill: You’re cracked. Hammond: COLONEL! O’Neill: I bet you’re the Keeper. Hammond: [looks shifty] Me, no, no you must have me mistaken for someone else. Take them to isolation. Kawalsky: Hey Jack :) O’Neill: Kawalsky :) Hey, this means we are still on the planet in them machines! Kawalsky: Yeah, innit fun? O’Neill: No [hits him, and they all escape]. Residents: Hi, there. O’Neill: Hey, lets go to your planet, I’ll show you it’s fine and floury. Carter: Flowery. O’Neill: That’s what I said. Jackson: And then the episode will be over? O’Neill: If you don’t stop complaining it’ll be over before we’ve resolved the problem. Jackson: It will? Oh yeah, the end credits--no, my mistake, ad break everyone! O’Neill: Oh, this sucks. I was just getting the momentum going to conclude this ep. [Adverts boredom.] Carter: So then I said to him, "go suck a lemon." Teal’c: I do not wish to interrupt but the adverts appear to have finished. Hammond: You’re not leaving, none of you. O’Neill: But Hammy, we’ve been sooo good this season (bearing in mind this is only the fourth ep of the season). The Keeper: But I’m not Hammond, I am the Keeper [transforms into the Keeper]. O’Neill: Grrrr! The Keeper: Haha, can’t catch me. O’Neill: After him! [Runs down corridor and out of the virtual world... they continue to chase the Keeper] Teal’c: Gotcha! The Keeper: I’m sorry, I’m reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally sorry :’( Please don’t hurt me, let me go, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaase. O’Neill: Free the residents first. The Keeper: They know how to escape now you’ve shown them. Jackson: Goody, it’s the end. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to get stuck in one of those cool ergo-V.R. chair things.