Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Hathor" by Nan [In Central America somewhere (prolly the Guatamalan penninsula), two Hapless And Ill-Fated Scientists explore a ziggurat.] Hapless And Ill-Fated Scientist #1: Er... that's Mayan... Hapless And Ill-Fated Scientist #2: Er, that's Egyptian. Hapless And Ill-Fated Scientist #1: Somethin' funky is goin' on here... Hapless And Ill-Fated Scientist #2: Um, sarcophagus. Hapless And Ill-Fated Scientist #1: Hmmm. Let's open it without the proper precautions. Hapless And Ill-Fated Scientist #2: 'Kay. [They open the sarcophagus. Hathor sits up and smokes the Hapless And Ill-Fated Scientists with her ribbon device.] Hathor: Boy, do we feel rested. [Back at Cheyenne Mountain, SG-1 ogles the sarcophagus.] O'Neill: Cool! All-purpose body-fixer. Daniel: It brought me back from the dead. And Sha're. Me and Sha're. Back from the dead. O'Neill: Yep. Imagine what this could do for your halitosis. Daniel: I don't have halitosis, I have myopia, stupid. O'Neill: Oh. Whatever, okay, imagine what this could do for your myopia. Daniel: Um, that episode is next season. O'Neill: Right... um... let's just skip ahead to the Hathor scene... Daniel: Right... Hathor: [In ancient Mayan: Bow, human men!] Hammond: Hi. Hathor: [In ancient Mayan: Well, crud. We're gonna have to get them all wiggy on Evil Goa'uld pheromones aren't we? Aw, man...] Hi. Uncuff and worship us. Everyone: Er, no. Hathor: [In ancient Mayan: Well, crap.] This may be Showtime, but it's a male "babes in bondage" episode. Bow, darnit. O'Neill: That's really up for interperatation. Hathor: Meh. O'Neill: What's she goddess of anyway? Daniel: Raves. Duh. Never heard of ethnobotany have ya?* Hathor: Yeah, well, we came 'cause we felt the gate with our Creepy Female Gate-Sensing Powers. And these collective pronouns are a real pain in the grammar. O'Neill: Daniel. I say now, since I'm still relatively free of the Evil Hathor Pheromones: that's an evil Goa'uld chick! Nan: Who goes by the Greek "Hathor" and not the Egyptian "Het-Heru". Something funky is going on. Daniel: Yeah, yeah, Ms. Pointed Comments. Nan: Nyer. Hathor: Hey, bald guy. Hammond: Henh? Hathor: I'm gonna blast you with my Creepy Goa'uld Pheromones. Hammond: Well, okay. But just to advance the plot. Hathor: Kids at home, remember: just say no. [Later...] Daniel: Er... y'know, Ra is... er... kaputski. Hathor: What? Daniel: Er... he’s gone with no forwarding address... Hathor: Henh? Daniel: Predominantly atomically... dispersed and toasted. Hathor: I'm the goddess of partying, drinking, boinking, and partial apocalypse. Speak English, man! Even if I am four thousand years old and shouldn’t know any! Daniel: He's... dead. Hathor: Yeah? Cool! [Later than that...] O'Neill: I say we use the "yet another crazy nutjob" excuse. Hammond: Er, we don't use that till later in the series. Nan: Gimme a break, I'm doing these out of order! [Even later than that...] Daniel: Pheromones, pheromones, it's fun to be blasted with pheromones... la la la... Hathor: It's kind of sad how fast I'm making progress here. [In the meeting...] Daniel: [robotically] Hathor good. Hathor friend. Hathor be in meeting. Hammond: Dang straight. Carter: 'Kay, somethin' funky is going on. O'Neill: We should have a "Something Funky Is Going On" protocol. Carter: We, er, do. It's the same as the "Blow Up The Base In The Event Of Emergency" protocol. Didn't you get the memo? [Hathor sticks O'Neill's hand on her chest in a squicky moment. How generalized can I get here?] Teal'c: Er, Goa'uld suck. Even pretty ones who've apparently pheromoned half the staff into ga-ga-ness. Hathor: Feh. O'Neill: 'Kay, I dig this Suanne Braun chick. Hathor: I'm Hathor, stupid! O'Neill: Right. 'Kay, I dig this Hathor Stupid chick. Hathor: I saw that coming. [Carter and the rest of the female populace are locked up.] Carter: Well, militant wimmenfolk, it's time to save the day. One question: how? Fraiser: Um... oh, I know! Pheromones! The men are all libidinous, so, in that state of libidinousness, we can... um... do the whole seduction thing. That's fun to say, libidinous. Carter: 'Kay. Wait, weren't we supposed to have that "it sucks to be The Girl" talk? Nan: Um... no? Fraiser: Okay, everyone. All we have to do is seduce the cell block. Let's start with the guard. [O'Neill has a heart-to-heartless-Goa'uld-queen talk.] O'Neill: I feel squicky about thi-- [Hathor blasts him with the pheromones.] O'Neill: I feel peachy... oh so peachy... [Hathor then turns his stomach into a Jaffa pouchy thing with a laser thing that looks like a part of her dress. Ew.] [Around there sometime.] Hathor: Danny, I only want you for your genes. Daniel: I have no problem with that. [The wimmenfolk get ready to... Um, just insert your own Catwoman joke here.] Fraiser: Hey, airman! Carter: We're lonely! Fraiser: We're libidinous! Carter: We're here! Airman: Whoa, army wimmen... cell block... serious boyhood fantasy... [The Airman mashes lips with Fraiser. There's a flurry of blows landing and the guards are quickly, er, subdued.] Carter: 'Kay, let's go save the base. Fraiser: Henh? Oh, right. That was what we were gonna... ahem. Right. Um, how were we gonna do that? Carter: Nan, this is all your fault! Nan: Er, Jonathan Glassner gets some of the blame too. Carter: Not as much as you'd like, bucko! [Carter knocks Hammond out.] Carter: Well, I'm... darn it! Any punk term can be put in a sexual context in this fiver! Nan: Don't I know it. Sigh. Start from the top. [Carter knocks Hammond out.] Carter: Well, I'm seriously disadvantaged by this. That line sucked! Fraiser: Heh. Well, it's a one hour show. It'll be fixed. Teal'c: Yay! It's Carter! Team X-46: Yay! It's Teal'c! [O'Neill, seriously woinky, is found by Team X-46 and Teal'c.] O'Neill: The hills are alive with the sound of muuuuuuusic... Fraiser: My god. What has she done to him? Teal'c: Nothing we can fix. Fraiser: Quiet, you. [They stick O'Neill in the sarcophagus. He comes out good as new.] O'Neill: Hey all. Um, what's with the X-46 thing? Carter: Geek gene joke. Anyway, we have to go save the day. Small question as to, y'know, how. O'Neill: Oh, well, there are tranq guns. That you don't know about. Carter: Seethe. [Hathor has since set up a water tank thingie full of her... Goa'uld kiddies. Ewewew. And is languishing in it.] Hathor: Laaaaaaaaaaaaan-guish! Pheromony Guard: Um, Your Divine Hathorness? That's just nasty. Hathor: Feh. [They go in shooting, set fire to the nasty larva tank, and somehow manage to blow up the sarcophagus.] Carter: 'Kay, that last part really... er... wasn't good. Fraiser: Y'know what? Carter: What? Fraiser: There are no witty replies that won't get Nan thwacked. Carter: It's been that kind of episode. Fraiser: Yeah. [Hathor escapes to Chu'lak through the gate.] Hathor: 'Kay, you guys are boring. Adios, muchachos. [Later, Fraiser considers getting D.N.A. from Hathor's larvae.] Fraiser: I’m considering getting D.N.A. from Hathor's larvae. Daniel: Um... that's... ermm... mine... I think... um... Everyone: Yuck. THE END *BTW, ethnobotany is the study of, er, medicinal plants. Heh. Strictly speaking, it's the study of the plants and their usage in relation to certain cultures. (And the X-46 think refers to women having 46 X chromosomes, while men have 45 X chromosomes and one Y chromosome. Geek joke. Quit looking at me like that.) Legal notices. You are number ### to get blasted with the pink pheremoney stuff.