Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Jolinar's Memories" by The One The Asgard Call O'Pipp CARTER: Hey, it's the Tok'ra. O'NEILL: Cool. Maybe it's dad! CARTER: Eh? O'NEILL: Sorry, wrong alternate universe. CARTER: Yeah, no 'shippiness in this episode. [ENTER TOK'RA.] MARTOUF: Hi! CARTER: I just HAD to say that didn't I? MARTOUF: Yeah, not to be OTT here, but Sokar is pretty darn evil. He wants to rule the cosmos! O'NEILL: I'm sooooo scared. Please! Someone save me! CARTER: Yeah, Sokar is going to take us to Hell and reunite us with Apophis. Bwahahahaha! Watch out for that low flying pig there! MARTOUF: Yeah, basically Dad's in hell. DANIEL: Hell? MARTOUF: Yeah, Hell. O'NEILL: Hell, poor Dad. CARTER: Will you stop calling him that? MARTOUF AND O'NEILL: Aw, hell. MARTOUF: Your dad's in Netu. CARTER: Which would be? MARTOUF: A place of eternal damnation. O'NEILL: Guys, we're going to High School! MARTOUF: Here's the plan, we save your dad by not having a plan. CARTER: Ok, as long as we can do a Jolinar flashback. DANIEL: Aw, hell. CARTER: Please, that joke has so been done already. CARTER: Hey hey, I'm getting some flashbacks! O'NEILL: What? "JOLINAR'S MEMORIES?" CARTER: I think it was obvious enough without you saying that. O'NEILL: Did you take a look at the audience this week? TEAL'C: Oooo! FX shots! Pretty lights! O'NEILL: Well, that's your line quota used up for this episode. TEAL'C: Aw h-- O'NEILL: Don't say it! Don't say it! BINAR: Why do we always get such stupid names? I could excuse Sokar, Binar, Teal'c, and even Bra'tac, but Daniel Jackson? How cliché! NOT APOPHIS: Don't ask me. I'm definitely NOT Apophis. WELCOME TO HELL: WHERE OUR FLAME GRILLED BURGERS ARE SIZZLIN'! CARTER: Ooo! Can I get a Chicken McHell Burger? O'NEILL: Yeah, put me down for some Fries of Torture. O'NEILL: Well, here we are, in hell. CARTER: That joke only works for so long. Let's hope we can get captured soon. DANIEL: Trust me, you're learning from the master. MARTOUF: Ok, everyone, I'm putting stage 1 of the really dumb plan to get us captured into action. CARTER: Hi, Binar, I'm the one who betrayed you. I was wondering if you could let us and my dad go, just for old time's sake. O'NEILL: Rule #1 of being sneaky; NEVER let a 'shipper come up with a plan. SHIPPER #1: Seemed like a good idea at the time... O'NEILL: SLAGIATT to you too. DADDY CARTER: Hi honey! How much is it this time? CARTER: Dad, I'm not here to borrow money. DADDY CARTER: Damn. I must be in mortal danger then. MARTOUF: Since Teal'c isn't here, and I'm almost as boring as he is, I'll say "indeed" for him. BINAR: Hi honey! I'm home! SOKAR: It's all me! me! me! with you, isn't it? You never think about MY needs. BINAR: Come on now, turn that frown upside down! SOKAR: [SMILE] BINAR: That's a smile, not an upside down frown. CARTER: Jolinar had to endure the most extreme torture. It stung like Hell, being in a 'ship with Martouf. O'NEILL: Yeah, and I guess this place was pretty bad too. COMEDY POLICEMAN #1: Hmmm, it seems we need to arrest someone called Nan for the description of this episode. You went over the 3-hells-per-description-of-episode quota. NAN: Go to HELL! HELL! HELL! HELL! HELL! COMEDY POLICEMAN #1: She's joined the Dark Side! O'PIPP: He he he he heh! COMEDY POLICEMAN #2: You won't be laughing next week when the Hyperbole Mafia come for you. O'PIPP: Frell. COMEDY POLICEMAN #3: And the Farscape Copyright Hired Goons. COMEDY POLICEMAN #479: When will the people learn? Puns just aren't the answer. [O'NEILL TRIES TO CALL TEAL'C] OPERATOR: The number you have called is busy, or else they really, really hate you. Please leave a message after the painful screaming. APOPHIS: I will kill you! Guards! Open his chest! BINAR: Ooo! You must mean my treasure chest! APOPHIS: You're not the sharpest god in the box, are you? O'NEILL: Why are you working here anyway? APOPHIS: Uh... I needed the money. O'NEILL: The gold eyeliner doesn't come cheap, huh? APOPHIS: Yeah, but it goes with everything. APOPHIS: Now you will die! O'NEILL: Can you feel the love in this fiery hell pit? CARTER: Tune in again next week folks, when things go to hell! COMEDY POLICE: Hello, we're here to arrest someone called Sam Carter for the continued and inappropriate use of the pun "hell". CARTER: Aw... JACKSON: What are we going to do now? O'NEILL: Don't panic, a convenient ending should come along, right about... THE END O'NEILL: Now. Legal notices. You are number ### to go to hell! *maniacal laughter as Nan is dragged off by the Comedy Police*