JACOB: Relax, Daniel, Relaaaaaaaaaaaaaax. I've flown this shuttle a thousand times!
Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Last Stand"
by Tigermoth26
Last Week on Stargate SG-1...
JACOB: Okay, this is the plan: We go in, grab the Goa'uld by the balls, then shove our thumbs up its butthole!
STEVE IRWIN (special guest appearance): Crikey!
O'NEILL: They have buttholes?
CARTER: You suck dad.
JACOB:...I know.
and now, the conclusion...
[IN THE BAT CAVE]
OSIRIS: (pout, swivel, pose) You call that a knife?! I call *THIS* a knife!
DANIEL: uh - actually, no - that's a cucumber.
OSIRIS: Lies! This is no cucumber! I *know* a cunning plan when I see one!
DANIEL: ummmmmm....
OSIRIS: Chin up Tau'ri! Let me see your prostate!
DANIEL: *choke* I uh *gasp* hate to tell you this *gurgle* honey- *gaaaasp!*- buns, but ...that's my throat not my *splutter* highly desirable *wheeeeeeeeeze!*ass...
OSIRIS: Unbelievable...it really is a cucumber.
DANIEL: Told you so.
[SCENE 1.57 of 9]
DANIEL: *schhhhh* BitchMonkey to SnakeMan, come in, over.
JACOB: *schhhh* This is Snakeman. Have you completed the mission yet?
DANIEL: Uhhh...what would you do if I said no?
JACOB: Gada-fiiiiiiiiiiiii!
[MALIBU TOK'RA PLANET]
ELLIOT: Cucumbers
CARTER: What the?
ELLIOT: Cucumbers you fool! Honestly Major...the Tok'ra use cucumbers to make the Tunnels of Doom.
CARTER: Oh riiiiiiiiiiight yup. We'll get to it right away.
[BACK AT THE BAT CAVE]
OSIRIS: (pout, swivel, recline) Basically...we're screwed. Let's make the most of it guys!
YU: pshaw! Don't be silly woman! We're infallible!
OSIRIS: Oh yeah? Then why does Daniel over there have a poison that will kill us all?
YU: Shooooossssshhhhhh!!!! You'll ruin the Plot Device!
RANDOM SYSTEM LORD: Plot device? What Plot Device?
DANIEL: Me? Being a plot device? Ohhh you mean *this*? Oh that's nothing. Just a cucumber.
YU: We'll it's got me convinced.
[MALIBU TOK'RA RANCH]
O'NEILL: It could be just me, but the great big mothership might want to join us for a cup of tea and a bikkie...
CARTER: Uh. Sir, I already ate all the jam-filled ones...
ONEILL: Damnit Carter, the jam filled ones were MINE!!!
TEAL'C: Look! Now you've made Sacrificial Boy cry!
[BACK AT THE BAT CAVE]
DANIEL: *Schhhh* BitchMonkey to Snakehead...bad news.
JACOB: Snakehead here. Wait, no lemme guess...you *STILL* haven't completed the mission.
DANIEL: Ummm....
JACOB: Right! That's it you PANSY BOY! MISSION'S OVER!
DANIEL: No no! Don't leave me Jacob, I WUV YOU!!
[MALIBU TOK'RA RANCH]
CARTER: How's it hanging Sacrificial boy? You okay?
ELLIOT: *gurgle*
CARTER: I'll take that as a no...
ONEILL: Hey guys! Check this out! I taught Teal'c a hand clapping game! *clap clap clap clap-clap* *clap-clap-clap clap clap clap clap-clap*
TEAL'C: AAARGH! My thumb! He tweaked my thumb!
CARTER: *snigger* At least he only tweaked your thumb Teal'c...you shoulda seen which part of me he tweaked last time!
[BAT CAVE]
OSIRIS: (pout, swivel, slink) Sushi time!!! Dig in kids, it's TASTY!
DANIEL: ...eww.
[BAT CAVE 2.7 of 9]
DANIEL: *schhhhh* Bitchmonkey to SnakeMan.
JACOB: What is is now Daniel?
DANIEL: I'm bustin' outta this damn party!
[BATCAVE 3.7 of 9]
OSIRIS: ROAAAARRRR!!!! (pout, swivel, slink)
DANIEL: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
JACOB: No worries mate! I'm here to conveniently save your sorry butt!
DANIEL: Oh Jakey-Snakey, I love you soooooo much!
JACOB: Uh...right. So anyways, let's burn this goddamn house right down.
[SACAJAWEA]
DANIEL: No offence...but it's not the shuttle's airworthiness that I'm worried about...just the fact that you took your flying lessons from Chakotay...
JACOB: Pshaw! It'll be fine!
SACAJAWEA: VRRRAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM!
JACOB & DANIEL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHH!!!
SACAJAWEA: PHRWHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMM!!!
JACOB & DANIEL:AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CARTER: It's a bird!
O'NEILL: No! no! It's a plane!
TEAL'C: No! Wait! It's...
SACAJAWEA: VWARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRM.....SPLAT!!!
CARTER:...ouch.
DANIEL: I am never, ever flying with that Tok'ra again! Oh, the cucumber's still good by the way.
CARTER: Great! We can give it to Sacrificial Boy.
ELLIOT: Wow...a poisonous cucumber. Thanks Major...I'm your biggest fan!
CARTER: *sniff* aww!
O'NEILL: Well Campers! I guess the moral of the story is The Cucumber is Not Enough. My name is O'Neill, Jack O'Neill and this has been Five Minute Stargate, SG-1 point Seven of Nine. Nite!
THE END
Legal notices. You are number ### to call Daniel a "Pansy Boy."