Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Meridian" by Matt G Sam: Sir, Daniel's radioactive. Hammond: How bad? Sam: Very! [Later...] Hammond: OK, this sucks, what happened! Sam: Well sir, the place we went to is about to go into a Cold War! Hammond: And? Sam: Some of the locals have found some Goa'uld stuff! Hammond: And? Sam: They're interested in the Stargate! Hammond: And? Sam: Flashback time! **** Jonas: Jonas Quinn, bureaucrat. Jack: Bureaucrat? Jonas: Sounds good in a fiver! Good to see you anyway! Jack: You guys seem jumpy! Jonas: So we should! Check this out! Daniel: I'm fully capable of saving your naïve ass if this goes wrong! **** Sam: Flashback over! This guy advises the guy in charge. He's also highly qualified! Jack: Remind you of anyone? Sam: Back to the flashback... **** Daniel: Can we check the gate site out? Jonas: Sure! Our guys haven't found much - lots of alien stuff though! Daniel: Sounds good! Jonas: What's the catch? Jack: You'll find out! Jonas: Welcome to our Project Manhattan! Sam: What's this thing? Scientist: Found it in an alien temple, race called the Gold! Tealc: No that's the colour of their armour, the name's Goa'uld! Scientist: Well, it's powered by something called Naquadria, NOT Naquadah, this is a lot more lethal! Nyah! *** Jack: Flashback over! Think Hiroshima but worse! Sam: A lot worse. Hammond: I hate off-world politics! Jack: Doesn't matter, they think we suck anyway. Sam: Daniel tried to get them to U-turn but... Hammond: But what? Sam: They're trying to frame Daniel. Hammond: That does suck! Jack: Hey, what's up? Daniel: Radiation, TPTB suck, man, you know that I'm dead! Jack: What happened? Daniel: They screwed up, they want to cover their ass, it happens! Hammond: Well, we got the Asgard's answerphone, Jacob's not at home...this definitely sucks. Jack: Sarcophogus? Hammond: Ain't happening! Sam: Daniel's gotten hit by a ton of radiation. Jack: Tell me something I didn't know. Sam: That sort of energy could be useful, we need this stuff! Hammond: We need this stuff. Jack: They suck. Sam: We definitely need this stuff. Jack: They still suck! Hammond: Diplomobabble! Deliver this letter. Jack: OK! They still suck though! Jonas: Hey Colonel - you're not mad are you? Jack: Of course I'm mad! You framed my best mate! But the higher ups think that your stuff is useful! Jonas: Best wishes. Jack: Well you suck anyway! Stop covering your ass! Jonas: Ain't happening! We're in a pissing contest! Nyah! Jack: And our war supersedes your pissing contest! Nyah! Nyah! Sam: This sucks! Janet: I'm helpless. Sam: This definitely sucks! Sam: Let's see if this works! [Hand device does no good whatsoever.] Sam: That didn't work! Janet: Medibabble! This sucks supremely Daniel: Is this a near death experience? Freaky! Oma: Hi! Daniel: What you doing here? Daniel: Hi! Jack: Hi Daniel: How's things? Jack: Jonas seems clueless, youdaman by the way! Daniel: Thanks! BTW, Oma's in town. Oma: Free your mind, and the rest will follow! Daniel: You want me to join you? Oma: Why not? Daniel: How? Oma: Chill out. Daniel: Then? Oma: Babble. Daniel: Huh? Oma: Come closer to tock! Daniel: Are you sure you're on the right show? Oma: Well are you up for it? Daniel: Let's go! Oma: Babble. Daniel: Help! Jonas: Our politicians suck! Mind if I join you? I got some naquadriah! Jack: Youdaman! Welcome to Earth! Jonas: Flashback time! **** Jonas: That book was cool Daniel: Already? Jonas: I da man when it comes to reading! Stargate sounds wicked though! Daniel: Your pissing contest is nothing compared to what's going on out there! Anyway - naquadriah experiments have gone to hell before - watch your step! Jonas: It's our call! Scientists: Cool FX! [Scientists hit deck.] Jonas: I need new underwear! Daniel: Looks like I'm going out in a blaze of glory! [Daniel dives into lab.] Daniel: You owe me one - uh, oh, radioactivity, this sucks! **** Jonas: Flashback over! Daniel rules! Daniel: I don't rule! Who knows how much difference I made? Oma: Not me, and that's saying something! They owe you, you rule! Daniel: I owe them not to die, how come I rule anyway? I suck IMO! Sam: Jonas rules! You rule! I'm getting emotional here! Oma: Believe me, you rule! Daniel: Final answer? Tealc: Want this back? Daniel: You can't hear me, but thanks anyway! Tealc: You rule! Hell, even I'm getting emotional here and that's saying something! Oma: Jack says it, Sam says it, Tealc says it, Jonas says it, I say it, you rule! Daniel: I suck! Oma: You've been around since the movie! You rule! Daniel: I should have stayed on Abydos! My girlfriends keep getting killed, The Goa'uld ain't gonna be defeated anytime soon! I suck! Oma: Come on, at least you've tried! Daniel: Doesn't matter. Oma: Yeah right! Daniel: Face it, I suck! Oma: You're one of the good guys, that's enough for me. Jonas: They'll think I suck now! Could you help us? Hammond: Sure [Jacob comes through Stargate.] Jacob: You're jumpy! Hammond: Sorry, could you help us out here? Jacob: I'll try [Hand device does no good whatsoever.] Selmak: I think you'll need a new character Sam: Not yet! [Hand device does no good whatsoever.] Daniel: Don't go yet! Oma: Why shouldn't I? Your call! Daniel: Look, these people need me! Oma: Come on, you get to control the weather - beat that! Daniel: Deal! Daniel: Hello! I'm having an out of body experience here! That hand device is not going to work! Hey Jack! Jack: What the--l? What was that for? Daniel: I'm outta here! I'm hooking up with Oma! Jack: You becoming one of those glowy things? Daniel: Yep. Jack: Forget it Jacob, It ain't gonna work. Jacob: What the--? Jack: Trust me. [Daniel becomes glowy.] Jack: That's why it wasn't gonna work! Jack: I'll miss you. Daniel: So will some nutcases! Nutcases: KILL HIM! [DOOSH DOOSH DOOSH DOOSH] Writer: HELP! PLEASE! HAVE MERCY! HE'LL COME BACK IN GUEST EPS! PLEASE! [DOOSH DOOSH DOOSH DOOSH] Writer: HELP! SOMEONE! Jack: One second. [DOOSH DOOSH DOOSH DOOSH] [Nutcases hit the deck.] Jack: Hope MacKenzie's not too busy! THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to chill with an energy being.