Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Metamorphosis" by Nan [Jonas and a Nurse Chick flirt in an elevator.] Jonas: Flirty-flirty-flirt. Nurse Chick: Flirty-flirty-flirt. Jonas: Really, really bad flirty line. Nurse: Flirt. [leaves] Carter: Dork. Jonas: Hey, on my homeworld it's customary for dates to be set up by friends. So, wanna set me up, "friend"? Carter: No. Jonas: It's part of Kelownan culture! Carter: Is not! Jonas: Aw, c'mon! Carter: You're such a chickensh-- [An alarm goes off, leaving us forever in the dark about what Carter said exactly.] Carter: Hey, Chevron Guy, who's calling? Chevron Guy: The Russians. [The Russian SG team arrives, with an alien guy.] Carter + Jonas: Dude! Ivanov: Hi there. This Alien Guy found us. Alien Guy, Alebran: Hey, Nirrti is experimenting on my people. Ivanov: I figured you might wanna know, O'Neill, since you let her go. O'Neill: Crap. [Intro plays, to the tune of "Nod Ya Head/Black Suits Comin'" with bobbleheads inserted in place of Richard Dean Anderson, Amanda Tapping, and, I think, Christopher Judge. Hehehe. Go, Vern, go.] Hammond: What the frell? O'Neill: Sergei brought Alien Guy back without asking first! Ivanov: Yeah, well, Jack let Nirrti go, so it's technically his fault! Hammond: Both of you be quiet for a minute. Carter: The General is getting one of his headaches. Nice one, guys. Ivanov: Alien Guy here found us. Alien Guy, Alebran: Nirrti is a big meanie. She's experimenting on my people with this crazy machine. Now I'm harshly sick. Fraiser: A machine that alters DNA directly? Carter: We're in trouble. Hok'tars. Ivanov: Eh? Jonas: See humans, breeding, advanced, "Rite of Passage." Carter: Psychic!Carter moment: Nirrti is going to get whumped. Jonas: Psychic!Jonas moment: Carter is going to get whumped. Carter: That's "Prophecy," Jonas, not "Metamorphosis." Jonas: It still works. Carter: Ulp. Ivanov: Here's an idea. Let's kill and/or capture her. We could totally pull it off: she's got a wussy Jaffa force. Everyone: Cool. Ivanov: The Alien Guy is freaking out. Thinks Nirrti can kill him anywhere. Fraiser: Er... Carter: What if she can? Ivanov: Eh? Jonas: See bomb, implanted, chest, Cassandra, "Singularity." Fraiser: Bail! [Alebran liquifies. Kinda like that senator guy, Kelly, in "X-Men." But different.] O'Neill: Let's go whup Nirrti. Ivanov: I wanna go. O'Neill: Aw, General... Hammond: Relax, you get to boss him and his team around. O'Neill: Can I call him names? Hammond: Just go. [On MutantWorld...] Ivanov: Jaffa dudes. O'Neill: Distractions are good. Carter: rig stuff to explode. Carter: Righty. O'Neill: Everyone else: take out the big guns. Everyone Else: Righty. [SG-1 enters Nirrti's fortress. Ivanov has to stay outside.] Ivanov: I never get to do anything. Mutants: Hey, Nirrti is great. O'Neill: You're horribly disfigured mutants. How is she great? Woden: Meh, details. Woden: How's my brother, Alebran? Carter: The Liquified Alien Guy? Woden: [squeak] The Liquified...? Carter: Er... [pause] Um... Alebran, who? Heh heh? Mind Reading Guy: You're gonna kill Nirrti! O'Neill: Am not. I'm a "nice guy." Mind Reading Guy: Then why were your fingers crossed when you said that? Mutants: No killing Nirrti! [Mutants use mutant powers to lock up Teal'c and Jonas.] Jonas: You guys really over-invested in Marvel comic books. Mutants: Meh. It was worth it. Carter: Tinkering with an alien machine. No idea what I'm doing. [into radio] Hey, Jonas, come in. [Nothing.] Carter: [into radio] Er, Teal'c? [Nothing.] Carter: Hey, that's not good. [into radio] Hey, Colonel? [Nirrti rings in in invisible mode, armed with a zat.] Nirrti: Miss me? Carter: Why bother asking when I'm going to lose consciousness before I can come up with a witty retor-- [ZAP!] O'Neill: Hey, be cool and let Carter go. Nirrti: No. [ZAP!] [In the cell block...] O'Neill: Okay. Asking nicely: ineffective. Cracking open a can of serious whumpage: still viable. Carter: Here's a thought: Nirrti's machine creates unstable mutant powers! Magneto: You people just can't let it be, can you? Mutant Guys: Hey, Nirrti wants Carter for the experiment. Here's Ivanov. O'Neill: Hey, here's a thought: how about you take me instead. Mutant Guys: Here's a thought: [WHUMP] O'Neill: You just can't argue with logic. Ivanov: Here's a thought: if Nirrti is Magneto, who's Professor Xavier? [Pause.] O'Neill: Show of hands who wants to be Professor Xavier? [No one raises his/her hand.] Jonas: Does that make me Jean Grey? O'Neill: Let's see. Use your psychic powers to raise the barred door. Jonas: My psychic powers are restricted to precognitive visions of Carter getting whumped. O'Neill: Damn. Nirrti: Hey, Carter, step into the machine. Carter: Bite me, Magneto wannabe. [Carter is forced into the machine. Cool DNA swirly effect.] Carter: DNA scanning. Not an enjoyable feeling. Nirrti: Hmmm, blue eyes, hitch hiker's thumb, hanging earlobes, a dash of naquadah... hey, you're not a natural blonde! Carter: Duh. I'm also not from Colorado. Ivanov: Yeah, we're screwed. Ouchie. O'Neill: What's wrong with you? Ivanov: Magneto--I mean, Nirrti--put me in the DNA-Manipulation Machine. O'Neill: Yeah? Ivanov: She said my epithelials were sexy, but not sexy enough. Where's Carter? Carter: Ow. Ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow! Nirrti: Okay, she's been sufficiently toasted. Toad, bring me Jonas! Woden: It's Woden. Nirrti: It's Toad. Mutants: We come for Jonas! O'Neill: We went over this. It's my turn. Not with the mutilation of my teammates. Mutants: Magneto--er, Nirrti--wants Jonas. Jonas: Sure. On second thought: FLYING LEG KICK! Woden: Pffft. [blocks with PK powers] Jonas: Darn you mutants and your psychokinetic powers. Carter: Oooh, I'm gonna be sick. And/or liquified. Wait a sec: if Jonas is Jean Grey, then who am I? Queen whatsherface, Lilandra, of the Shi'ar? Dark/Light Phoenix? Marvel Girl?! Nirrti: Oooh... Jonas: You're ogling my... genes? Nirrti: Yes. You have "connected" earlobes, no hitch hiker's thumb, eidetic memory, and... a predisposition to like carbonated drinks? And the capacity to be an übermutant-slash-hok'tar. Yummyummy.  Jonas: Who ogles someone's genetic traits? That's so nerdy it boggles the mind!  Nan: .... Ivanov: Ow. Ow ow. ow ow ow. Ow. Carter: Hey, Mind Reading Guy probably can't read minds all the time. [pause] Oooh, feeling squicky. O'Neill: Rest. Carter: [looks at Teal'c] Tea'c: [looks at Carter] Carter: Okay. Gimme your shoulder. O'Neill: Righty. [Carter puts her head on O'Neill's shoulder.] Shippers: [swoon] Everyone Else: What the frell did that look mean? Ivanov: [Gurgle] [Ivanov liquifies.] Carter: Feeling squicky for an entirely different reason.  Everyone: Poor Ivanov. Jonas: Okay... bed... pillows... state room... Nirrti in a dress with a plunging neckline and soaring side slits--holy frijole. I just realized something. Nirrti: That I could make you a star? That you could rule the galaxy by my side? Jonas: That you're more of a Mystique than a Magneto. Particularly in that dress. [WHACK!] Jonas: Ow! What is it with the powerful chicks belting me? Nirrti: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and all that. Plus, it's tacky to accessorize with skulls. Woden + Mind Reading Guy: Yo, O'Neill, your turn. O'Neill: Oh. [sarcastic] Yay. [Hallway.] O'Neill: Hey, Mind Reading Guy, poke around Nirrti's head and see for yourself she's a lying, cheating, no-good, evil, mean, nasty, awful, style-mongering, overdressed, psychopathic, pitiless-- [Nirrti's lab.] O'Neill: --crazy, Darth Vader-wannabe. Nirrti: Hey, O'Neill, you're a loser. I will make you into a jellyfish! O'Neill: I'm Xavier, not Senator Kelly. Nirrti: Dammit. I suppose that means I'm going to die, then. Mind Reading Guy: Hey! You're evil! Nirrti: Er... no? Mind Reading Guy: That won't work this time! Nirrti: Darn. How about I give you unlimited power? Woden: No. [levitates Nirrti] Now who's the Vader wannabe? Nirrti: If I could talk, let alone breathe, I'd say "you." Seriously. Now let me go. I could upgrade your mutant powers! Woden: Well, power sounds nice, but I'm still rather annoyed about my brother being liquified! [CRUNCH!] Nirrti: GAK! Woden: Darth Vader choked. I break necks. O'Neill: You idiot! Now Carter's going to liquify! Mind Reading Guy: Not so much. O'Neill: Que? Mind Reading Guy: Along with Nirrti's credit card number, email passwords, SIN number, secret Squinty Vision source and gingersnap recipe I psychically lifted the knowledge required to save everyone before she died. O'Neill: I shouldn't have worried. Mind Reading Guy: Nice that you have some faith in me. O'Neill: Actually, it's the middle of the season and Amanda Tapping is listed in the opening credits. Mind Reading Guy: Oh. O'Neill: Always thinkin'. Mind Reading Guy: There you are. Carter: Great. Back to normal. Still traumatized by watching Ivanov liquify. O'Neill: Well, Season Six is Carter-Whumping Season. Carter: Every season is Carter-Whumping Season! Jonas: Oh, I dunno. Season one had a fair bit of O'Neill-Whumping. Teal'c: This is true. O'Neill: Can we get back to the episode? Carter + Teal'c + Jonas: Sorry. Woden: Once we fix everyone, we're going to destroy the machine. Carter: But-but-but... um, medical breakthrough! Amazing tech! Woden: It's a relic of Dr. Mengele! Magneto. Mystique. Nirrti. Whatever. Carter: I guess. [pause] I don't suppose Ben Franklin here'll change your mind? Jonas: Er, isn't that Wilfrid Laurier? Carter: Shut up. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to liquify!