Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "The Nox" by Sara B Secretary of State: You lot suck: you go off world, come back and don't bring superior technology. What are you lot doing? Foolish making sure you live to go off world again? Jack: Something like that. Secretary of State: Well I'm not happy. We want weapons! Teal'c: I know of a place. Jack: You do? Teal'c: Indeed. Secretary of State: Gimme. Daniel: Translation: what technologies? Teal'c: Invisibility. Secretary of State: Ooooohhh, nice. Gimme. Jack: You know where we can get it? Teal'c: Indeed. [To the planet...] Chevron Guy: Chevron seven locked. Secretary of State: Arghhhhhhhh! [Wormhole opens. The Secretary is in the way] Jack: Good thinking, Carter. Sam: Well didn't become a Doctor in Theoretical Astrophysics without having an idea or two. [Okay so that didn't really happen.] [On the planet - Jack wanders through the 'gate, last to arrive.] Sam: You're late, we all got here 5 minutes ago. Jack: I am not late. You were early. Sam: Oh yeah. Jack: Yeah, I'm the C.O. When I arrive, the fun starts. You were early. Daniel: Umm, guys, if you'd stop arguing for a second to answer my question... Jack: Yes, you do look silly in the fishing hat. Daniel: That wasn't my quest... hey what's wrong with it? Jack: Daniel! Daniel: Oh yeah, my question, where's the Stargate? Jack: Over... [turns and sees nothing] ...there Sam: The crew are probably playing tricks on us. I told you gluing the lids on the writers' pens wasn't funny. Jack: Heeheee, that was soooo funny. So, anyone seen these invisible flying things Teal'c mentioned? Daniel: I'm sure he didn't mention flying things. Jack: For a linguist you really can't understand Teal'c's language can you? Sam: How do we see invisible creatures? [buzz] Jack: There's one. [buzzzzzzzzzzzzz] Jack: And now it's gone. Sam: I see. Or rather, I don't see. Teal'c: Indeed. Jack: Right we split off into 2 groups to find the Stargate. Sam, Teal'c try sound stage 1. Daniel with me, sound stage 3. [They spilt up] [buzz buzz] Daniel: Umm Jack look... I mean listen. [Jack lines up his shot.] [staff blast] [buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz] Jack: Teal'c! Teal'c: Huh? Jack: You shot at the invisible thingy. Teal'c: I didn't. Daniel: Umm, Jack, isn't that Apophis and his Jaffa down there? Jack: Yeah, maybe we could ask them if they've seen the 'gate. [in radio] Sam, Teal'c come to sound stage 3, Apophis is here, we're thinking of asking him. Sam: Don't we hate Apophis, Sir? Jack: Good point. Maybe we could capture him and then ask him about the 'gate. Daniel: And Sha're and Skaara and about the other Goa'uld. Jack: I was just about to say that. [Attack Apophis] Teal'c: [blasts Shak'l] Jack: (to Apophis) Oi, you, stick 'em up! [blast] Sam: Noooo! [blast] Daniel: nooo! [blast] Apophis: I defeated the almighty SG-1. Teal'c: We've 10 minutes into the episode, I don't think you've won yet! Apophis: We'll see... [about to blast Teal'c] Teal'c: bye bye [turns invisible] Apophis: Huh? Daniel: Hey I'm dead? No, no wait I'm alive, I think? Umm, Sam are we alive? Sam: Yeah :s I wonder why? Jack: We're the main characters. You can't kill us off without someone reviving us 5 minutes later. Daniel: Umm hello? Lya: Ummm, I can't speak you language yet, give me a minute before I start talking. Daniel: Yeah, English is quite complicated, take you time. Meanwhile, can you take us to see Teal'c? Sam: Awwww! More fairies, can I keep one? Jack: Sure, Carter, when you're on Earth enough to feed it and keep it alive, you can. Sam: But Sir... we're always off world. Jack: Then you can't have one. ...Hey, Teal'c, where you been? Teal'c: Trying to find the 'gate. Jack: And? Teal'c: [shrugs] Anteaus: I know where it is. I can take you. Daniel: Oh. Didn't take you that long to learn English after all. Anteaus: It's quite simple. Jack: Hey, where did you take our kick-ass weapons? Anteaus: Kick-ass? Daniel: He means our guns. Anteaus: We took them to be recycled. You attacked with them. Sam: Oh, don't worry, we only wanted to capture and incarcerate them, not kill them. Anteaus: [sarcastic] Oh, why didn't you just say that in the first place. Jack: They're not good people. We need information from them, like about that force shield[looks to Teal'c]? Teal'c: Indeed. [looks at Teal'c] Teal'c: What? It's news to me I didn't know about the thing. Anteaus: You will leave. Jack: ..Ummm... I don't think so... Teal'c: You are in grave danger: saving us means the Goa'uld know of you and will hunt you down. Sam: How did you save us? Anteaus: Medicine. Secret recipe. Now, you will leave. Jack: Okay. Bye, then. Lya: What about the other? Lya: He resists our aid. Teal'c: He will survive. Jack: Good, FedEx him to us when he comes around. [Lya takes them to Shak'l] Apophis: Huh? Where'd they go???? Lya: Why must you tie him up? Teal'c: So when awake he won't hurt anyone. Shak'l: Awake? I am. Teal'c: Waiting for me to turn my back? Do you have no honour? [SG-1 make bows and arrows] Daniel: It's been years since I played cowboys and Indians. Jack: [Said as though talking to a child] It's to attack Apophis, Daniel. Daniel: But he has zats, etc. Sam: It's better than nothing. Nafrayu: Can I play? Jack: Run off and find Apophis, he has better weapons than us. Lya: Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh [Shak'l runs away] Lya: Guess we didn't tie him tight enough. Apophis: [Scratches head] I wonder where they could be? I never was any good at hide and seek. Shak'l: I found 'em, I found 'em. Nafrayu: Hi, Jack sent me! Anteaus: Oh no, Nafrayu's dead! [Performs life thingy] Apophis: Chaaaaaaaaaaaarge! Jack: Oh no, you don't! [appears from behind tree with bow and arrow] Apophis: You think that will stop me, human! [SG-1 vanish] Jack: [to Anteaus] Spoilsport! Anteaus: We wish to say goodbye and friends? Jack: Friends :) Anteaus: We will bury the gate. Jack: Bye! [waves] THE END Legal notices. 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