Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Point of No Return" by Nan Carter: Mmm... water. Why are we here? I had stuff to do. Daniel: Me too. Teal'c: Me three. O'Neill: I didn't, but whatever. Hammond: Okay, crisis: some geek knows about the Stargate. [Hammond plays a recording of Marty's phonecall.] Marty: I know everything! Everything I say! Meet me at a restaurant in some obscure place! I trust you to come alone. Hammond: Fix this. O'Neill: 'Kay. Marty: Howdy. O'Neill: Nut bar. Marty: What? O'Neill: Nothin'! [Carter and Daniel screw around in a bug van.] Daniel: Don't we need donuts or something? Carter: Don't distract me, I'm in the zone. Marty: Rant rant rant Stargate rant rant. I'm an alien, hey. O'Neill: Never woulda guessed. Carter: I'm the hacker chick queen! And the guy is a total nut bar. Daniel: I want a donut. Marty: I've got a ship. O'Neill: Meh. [A waitress hands him his check with a note scribbled on it.] O'Neill: "We have his address. Stall him. And get some donuts." On second thought, sure! Marty: I instictively trust you. O'Neill: I have that kind of face. Marty: Here we go... Carter: So, this is the address I got hemi-legally. Daniel: Cool! [Carter, Daniel, and Teal'c break into Marty's house and poke through his stuff.] [Daniel finds Marty's downer medications.] Daniel: Nutcase medication. Carter: Good patsy. [Marty and O'Neill wander around the woods.] Marty: It's here somewhere... O'Neill: Feh! Marty: Sigh. [Daniel pokes through Marty's diary. Carter gets captured on a hidden camera. Elsewhere, a bunch of bad-looking guys scan Teal'c.] Bad Guy 1: The big guy's a Jaffa! BG2: The little guy's a geek. BG3: The chick's hot. BG1: Shut up and concentrate! Fraiser: Medication analysis. They're goofy! Hammond: Really? Fraiser: This is the name of the shrink who prescribed him. Hammond: I'll send Carter and Daniel. [Daniel and Carter go to the headguy. He's actually BG1.] Carter: National security. Talk about Marty. BG1: He's a nutcase. Really. [O'Neill and Teal'c chill in a hotel room.] Teal'c: Magic fingerrrrrs...... Marty: Lemme in! O'Neill: Whaddya want? Marty: There was someone at my house! O'Neill: Reeeeally. Carter + Daniel: Takin' a lot of medication isn't he? BG1: Meh. Carter: A lot of goofy medication. BG1: Well, geez, now I'm really concerned. Go here. Daniel + Carter: 'Kay. Marty: I'm freakin' out! O'Neill: Quit freakin' out! Marty: I wanna go home. To my home planet. Another instinctive thingie... O'Neill: Yeah-hunh. Marty: I gotta take my meds. O'Neill: Waitaminnit. Don't take these antipsychotics! Marty: 'Kay. O'Neill: Good. Marty: I wrote down the seven weird-lookin' symbol thingies. O'Neill: Gee, interesting... [Carter and Daniel go to this empty warehouse where BG1 and BG2 find and stick them up.] Carter: Didn't see this coming. Nan: I did. BG1: Quiet, you! Marty: I'm freakin' out again! O'Neill: I'm concerned about Carter and Daniel. Teal'c: So am I. Marty: This is me freakin' out! Gimme my medication! O'Neill: No. Talk about the symbols. Marty: I have a thing in my head! O'Neill: Excuse me: I'm going to blow this off and look for Carter. And Daniel. Carter and Daniel. [BG1 and BG2 tie Carter and Daniel up and question them.] BG1: Speak! Carter + Daniel: No! BG1: Nuts. Carter: Nyer. [Teal'c has since put Marty in the bathroom. O'Neill comes back.] O'Neill: 'Kay, I'm freakin' out. Teal'c: So's he. [Martin passes out, then comes to.] Marty: Autie Em, Auntie Em! I remember stuff! [BG1 shows them a picture of Teal'c.] BG1: Who's this guy? Speak! Carter + Daniel: No! BG1: Dangit! Carter: Nyer! Marty: Hey, I remember where my ship is. It's here somewhere. I think. [Marty trips and lands on the ship's hull.] [A huge team shows up to analyze the ship.] Tech: This is the thing. Marty: Nope. Wait! Yeah! It's a pod! So, I'm being watched by aliens, not the government. Carter: I'm not talkin'. Nyer nyer nyer! Daniel: Neither am I. Marty: So, we came from another planet looking for allies, but you guys were too primitive. The enemy was a creepy, worship-us-or-bite-it people. O'Neill: The Goa'uld. Take it away, Teal'c! Teal'c: The Goa'uld really really really suck! [BG1 whips out a bunch of nasty torture stuff.] Carter + Daniel: Crud. BG2: Ominousness-ness-ness. But we're short for time, so I'm just going to drug you. Carter + Daniel: Crud. [Marty, bugged, is pacing frantically and talking into his lapel.] Marty: I'm freakin' out here! O'Neill: Shut up! BG1: Well, we're gonna have to blow up things and abduct you. Marty: Um, I'm not into that. BG1: Too bad. BG1: Ominousness. Marty: I'm freakin' out! BG1: Lie lie lie. Hey, let's drive back to the warehouse. You're not bugged, are ya? Marty: Um... no. You suck! [O'Neil and a swat team go to the warehouse and find Carter, Daniel and Marty.] Marty: Well, the BGs are gone. And I have this doohicky that says... it's... counting... down... Everyone: Bail! [Nothing happens.] O'Neill: Marty, you goober! [The pod blows up.] [Later, they check out the coordinates. Marty remembers.] Marty: They amscrayed. O'Neill: Yeah. Marty: I'm feeling kinda sad about that. O'Neill: Meh. We'll never seen them again. 'Til next season. Marty: I remember! We deserted, 'cause we were losing! We suck. Daniel: We can go now. Carter: Amanda Tapping as Majel Barrett Roddenberry. Chevron seven locked! [Turns out the world is completely devastated.] Marty: This sucks. O'Neill: Yeah. Let's go home. Marty: 'Kay. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to get tied to a chair and drugged.