Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Point of No Return" by Akire [Briefing Room] Sam: I was busy, so wazzup? Daniel: Wazzup? Teal'c: Wazzup? Jack: Just hanging, chillin'. Hey, General, how you doing? Gen. Hammond: We have a problem. Go fix it. [plays tape] Jack: Kooky. Let's git 'im! [Truckstop Diner] Jack: Ho hum, nothing to see here people. Marty: Hi honey, I'm home! Jack: Geek alert! Let's talk stone circles. Marty: Let me scan you with my tricorder first. Jack: I prefer Sam's Gameboy. Teal'c: Why do I have to go undercover and cook? Oh yeah, align the camera, got it! Sam (in truck outside): Hey, he's not a geek, he's a dweeb! I'm the geek! Daniel: Stuff that, I want donuts. (back inside) Jack: Let me flip you out a bit by talking magnets! Marty: I need help! Jack: No objection here. Oh yeah, let me drop in a reference to the 100th episode while we're at it. Marty: Be serious, I'm going psycho here! Jack: See above. [In truck] Sam: Got him! Daniel: But we haven't got donuts! Okay, got an address? Maybe he's got donuts. Sam: I can tell you his address. I can tell you if he's got donuts. I can tell you what brand underwear he buys! Daniel: Okay Sam, you're scaring me. Sam: MUWHAHA, okay, I'm fine now. [In diner] Jack: You're a kook... Teal'c (written on the bill): Stall the kook. Jack: ... but let's go hang together, anyway. [Wandering around the forest] Marty: I never remember where I park... [At Marty's House] Sam: Avon calling! Oh, look, no one home. [Picks the lock] Teal'c: You are so cool. You are also watching too much MacGyver. [Sam, Teal'c and Daniel wander around a home decorated by the Twilight Zone] All: Kook! Sam: (looking at a model of a Grey) Hey, Thor, you studmuffin you. Daniel: (looking in bathroom cupboard) Well, He-llo! Sam: Hey look, drugs. Lots and lots of really good drugs. Marty: I'm not lost, I'm just directionally challenged. Jack: No objections here. Marty: Umm, I may need my meds. Jack: So, drugs did this, hmm? Let that be a lesson to the kids at home. Marty: No meds? Jack: Bailing now. Daniel (reading Marty's diary): I've read catscratch that makes more sense than this. Hidden Camera: Zoom, pan, zoom. [Warehouse] Techie #1: Hey, check out what I can do with my PS2! [Cheyenne] Janet: Hey General, those drugs are bad. General Hammond: That's what I tell my grandkids, but do they listen... Janet: Not that kind of bad. [Headshrinkers (H/S) Office] Sam: Tell me about Marty or else I'll bust you down to sideshow freak. I can do that, y'know. H/S: He's a nutcase and so are you. So nyah! [Motel] Teal'c: B-grade movies and vibrating beds - the Tau'ri are so cool! Marty: [Knocks] Let me in by the hairs on my chin-e-chin chin... hey, whozat! Jack: That's my man Murray. Teal'c: Peace, man. Marty: A bud of yours is a bud of mine. Jack: O-kay. Why'd you come here? Marty: Gotta freak with an audience present. Okay? Jack: No. Marty: Mart-ee, phone home... Jack: You give me the finger and I'm siccing Murray on you. [Headshrinkers Office] Daniel: You doped our boy Marty up good, didn't ya? H/S: Get lost. Sam: You lace his gear? H/S: I have no idea what you're talking about. No siree, not me. Sam: Do I have to say the M word? H/S: Umm. Sam: Malprac-- H/S: Eep! I'll be good! [Motel Room] Jack: Marty, me man! Chill! Try the vibrating bed. Marty: I need to go through the Stargate - the voices in my head tell me to. Teal'c: I am so cool. Have I mentioned that lately? Marty: O-kay, time for my pink pills now. Jack: Can the pill popping. We want to hear about the voices. Marty: You mean the ones that doodle these strange symbols? [[Hands over a strip of paper with seven beautiful glyphs drawn on them]] Jack: Eep! I thought only Spacemonkey and Thor doodled this stuff. [Abandoned Warehouse - don't these guys watch The X-Files???] Daniel: I knew I should have navigated. I don't think this is the right place. Sam: Um, the guys with guns tell me otherwise. [Motel] Marty: I want to go before the UN... or maybe Congress... Jack (trying the phone): Something's up with Sam. Marty: Pills, please? Jack: Drugs are bad, m'kay? Tell me about these doodles. Marty: They're doodles! Did I mention I have an implant in my neck just like Scully? You know what happened to her! Jack: I'm going to find the other stars of the show - Tea-, I mean, Murray will keep you company. [Warehouse] Techie #1: Who are you? Sam: Bite me. Techie #1: I have the gun. Care to try another answer? Daniel: Umm, I'm the innocent here... would these baby blues lie to you? [Empty Headshrinkers Office] Jack: Ooookkkkaaaayyyy. [Motel] Marty: Okay, okay, you are so cool - can I come out now? Teal'c: No. Jack: Okay, what do we have? Two missing stars and a psycho with a Gate address. Marty (locked in bathroom): Umm, I think I'm going to faint now. Jack: Oh, do not make me give mouth to mouth, geekboy. Marty: [wakes] Hey, I finally remembered where I parked! [Warehouse] Techie #1: Who's the snakeboy? Daniel: I'm with Sam. Bite me. [Forest] Marty: We're off to see the wizard. Jack: No, the wizard is next week. Marty: Whatever. Now, its around here somewh--*thud* -- Found it. [Forest is now full of military/technical types] Sgt. Geek #1: Technobabble. Marty: Hang on, that's a minnow, and I drive a leviathan! Teal'c: Size doesn't matter, remember? Marty: Oh, yeah, did I mention I'm not alone either? Teal'c: We have antagonists! Finally! [Warehouse] Sam: Teal'c's cool. [They show the thermal scan which reveals Junior] Daniel: Ooh, pretty. Draw that yourself? Techie #1: *seethe* Daniel: Ho hum, I'm getting good at baiting the bad guys. [Forest] Marty: We wanted help, but you guys were useless. We were attacked by the...ummm.. Teal'c: Goa'uld? Marty: They the baddies? Teal'c: Grrrrrrrr! Jack: Down boy. Let's pop the top of the minnow. Marty: Bad! Teal'c: Good, actually. [Warehouse] Sam: Well, not the N.I.D. Daniel: Government employees suck - apart from us and the guy who signs my paycheque of course! H/S: Okay, let's do this the old fashioned way. [lays out instruments of torture] Daniel: Surprise, surprise, surprise. [Techie #1's Gameboy starts beeping] Techie #1: Busted! Bail! [Forest] Marty: Just for the record, me as bait is bad. Jack: You look like an idiot, you'll be fine. Marty: Bite me... hey look, bad guys. H/S: Yeah, so... come with me. Marty: Secret Agent Marty! [in surveillance truck] Jack: I finally get a go on Super Naquadah Bros! Woohoo! [outside Warehouse] Jack: Action Jack Time! Woohoo! (Jack, Teal'c and SWAT team raid building) Jack: Hey look, gift-wrapped co-stars! Teal'c: Oh, darn, found the geek. Marty: Glad to see you. Hey, I stole the bad guy's Gameboy.... oh dear, boom today, not boom tomorrow... [everyone dives for cover: no boom at the factory, but the ship goes up in KABOOM] Stargate: Kawoosh! Sam: [back on her Gameboy] Cool! I like the MALP levels best. Marty: Hey, more convenient memories are returning in time to explain the plot. Sam: Next level? Oh, the MALP is sending back pictures, too. Daniel: Your wormhole is ready, sirs. But it's not all happy endings. [Homeworld is like a rental house after an all-night frat party] Marty: Mebbe deserting the local army wasn't such a bad idea after all? Can I come back and do this again? Jack: See us in a season. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to get tied to a chair and threatened with scary implements.