Five-Minute Stargate


Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Point of View"


[Area 51. It's dark. Lots of neat gadgets around, including the quantum mirror-thingie from "There But For The Grace of God." We see Alternate Alternate Universe Carter (long hair, civvies) and Alternate Alternate Universe Kawalsky (alive) fleeing invasion.]
AltAltCarter: Okay... this isn't quite what I expected.
Kawalsky: What were you expecting?
AltAltCarter: Floating cloud people maybe?

Guards: Hi there. Drop your weapons or we'll shoot you. A lot.
Kawalsky: So much for the floaty cloud people.
AltAltCarter: I'm still holding out hope.

[Alternate Alternate Carter is at the SGC. O'Neill walks in.]
AltAltCarter: Holy plutonium-186!
Kawalsky: Hi there.
O'Neill: What freaky, messed up alternate universe did you guys fall out of?
Hammond: Funny you should ask...

[They view a recording of AltAltCarter being interrogated.]
Interrogator Guy: How much do you know about the premise of the show?
AltAltCarter: Er... how does "everything" grab you?

[Briefing room...]
Hammond: Everyone recalls "There But For The Grace of God"?
Everyone: Yep.
Hammond: Okay, send in the clones--er, alternate reality-type... er... just send them in.
AltAltCarter + Kawalsky: Hi there.
Everyone: Whoa. Dude.

Kawalsky: Jaffa? DIEDIEDIE!
AltAltCarter: Ooooh, freaky hair.
Carter: Your hair is freakier... freaky long, is what.
O'Neill: Paging Doctor Hallam.

Hammond: We stopped the Goa'uld attack.
AltAltCarter: We didn't.
Carter: We probably succeeded because we're different from the people in your universe. Those slight differences may have help--
AltAltCarter: So you're better than we are, are you? Is that it?
Carter: I didn't mean--
AltAltCarter: Bite me.
Carter: What just happened?
O'Neill: I have a vague suspicion she doesn't deal with the chronic whumping as well as you do.

AltAltCarter + Kawalsky: Can we stay here?
Hammond: I'll get back to you. "Soon."

Carter: Sorry if I offended y--
AltAltCarter: I didn't save the world, and yet despite our nearly identical nature, you did. It's a unique paradox of suckitude. You're the Lamont to my... er... Lamont.
Carter: That was a bit forced.
AltAltCarter: Don't argue with me, I'm rather cranky about my planet being destroyed.

[AltAltCarter examines a wedding photo of her and Alternate Alternate Universe O'Neill.]
AltAltCarter: Sniff.
Audience: Ooooh...
Shippers: [sigh]
Nan: Alternate Universe. Almost forgot for a minute... not.

Hammond: Well, they can stay. And yet, I feel strangely squicky about this.
O'Neill: I'll go tell AltAltCarter. Even if her hair makes my brain feel funny.

O'Neill: Hi there. Hey, is that a copy of The Gods Themselves by Isaac Asimov?
AltAltCarter: [Sniffle.]
O'Neill: Oh boy. Crying woman. Must... fight... urge... to flee...!
AltAltCarter: We were married. In my universe.
O'Neill: You aren't by chance a psychologist?
AltAltCarter: Grade "A" astrophysics nerd. Why?
O'Neill: Just making sure.

AltAltCarter: I need a hug.
O'Neill: Er... sure, okay.
Shippers: [swoon]
Nan: Gahh!

O'Neill: Hey, a non-morose Carter. With normal hair.
Carter: Er, yeah?
O'Neill: I'm a little weirded out here.
Carter: Yeah? Me too. Of course, it may just be I'm also sensing the other shoe about to drop.

AltAltCarter: Brushing the hair extensions, brushing the hair extens--
[AltAltCarter suffers an entropic cascade failure zappy seizure.]
AltAltCarter: Ouch.

AltAltCarter: Ow. Ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow. This sucks.
[Entropic cascade tremor seizure thing.]
AltAltCarter: We can't exist in the same universe or I'll die. Like I'm not morose enough.
Carter: That sound you hear is the other shoe dropping.

Daniel: Hey, let's save the world. Their world. Whatever. Let's save it.
Everyone: Eh?
Daniel: Call the Alternate Alternate Universe Asgard. With the address thingie.
Carter: But I can't make the uber-generator work again.
O'Neill: Bet you could. "You" plural, that is.

AltAltCarter: Hey, cool, TECHy stuff.
Carter: TECH.
AltAltCarter: TECH TECH.
O'Neill: I'm just going to flee in terror while you two bond.
Carter + AltAltCarter: TECH TECH TECH TECH.

Kawalsky: See, the Quantum Mirror isn't like a regular dimensional browser. In fact, you have to channel surf millions of alternate universes to find the one you're looking for.
Daniel: No "Favourites" folder? No "History" listing? No dimensional listings channel?
Kawalsky: Actually, your last position gets wiped when you turn the mirror off, so you have to surf for it again.
Daniel: This remote sucks.
Kawalsky: I don't think they ever got to version 2.0.

[AltAltCarter and Carter arrive with the generator.]
AltAltCarter + Carter: Fixed it.
O'Neill: That was fast.
AltAltCarter: All we needed was the ratio of the decay rate of naquadah relative to the energy output.
Carter: After calculating alcohol tolerance relative to which bridge to hang the car from, this was easy.
Carter: I may have spent time with the engineering crowd in college.
O'Neill: May? May have?

Carter: All right, off you go. I packed you a lunch and semiautomatic weaponry.

O'Neill: It's all... alternate-universey. Quick, shut the mirror off or those Jaffa will spot us.
[Daniel turns it off.]
Daniel: Um, about that...

Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis: {Howdy. I like your goatee.}
Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Teal'c: {Howdy. I like yours.}
Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis: {New decree: goatees for everyone!}
Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Teal'c: {That isn't the rule already?}
Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis: {Oh. Right.}

Teal'c: Hi there.
Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Teal'c: {Dude!}
Teal'c: Join me and I will complete your training--I mean, we can overthrow Goa'uld.
Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Teal'c: {Traitorous dog! Into the pain chamber you g--GAK!}
O'Neill: Er, Teal'c? You remember the not-with-the-killing thing we talked about earlier?
Teal'c: Meh. He had his chance.

AltAltHammond: Ow. Ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow.
Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis: Speak!
AltAltHammond: No!
AltAltHammond: Ow.

Teal'c: "Lord" Apophis, I "caught" this "prisoner" while she was "escaping."
AltAltCarter: You "suck." [pause] Whoa. Gold is a privilege, not a right.
Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis: Just for that, I'll have Teal'c torture you. I have a facial waiting. Or maybe a manicure. I told them to surprise me. [leaves]
AltAltCarter: That guy wears more effeminate makeup than me. 
Teal'c: He keeps the masses too afraid to joke about it.
AltAltCarter: I can see why.

AltAltHammond: Gahh!
AltAltCarter: It's okay, the big guy here is cool like the lunar surface.
Teal'c: Indeed.
AltAltHammond: So you made it to the alternate universe? I'll never doubt you again.
AltAltCarter: In that case I've some budget proposals waiting for your signature. But first, we save the world.

Daniel: Okay, maybe this is our Earth...
[Jaffa guys on the other side level their staff weapons at him.]
Daniel: Ack. [switch] Okay, maybe this is our Earth...
[An airman is being frogmarched by Jaffa.]
Daniel: Ack. [switch] Okay, maybe this is our Earth...
[Carter appears, arguing with floaty cloud people.]
Daniel: Why is nothing ever easy?

O'Neill: Gimme the thing. [He takes the uber-generator and begins hooking it up.]
Kawalsky: So you and Carter never--
O'Neill: We all know where this is going. Moving on.

Daniel: Maybe this is our Earth.
[He sees Captain Carter on the other side. She recognizes him.]
Daniel: Wooho--er, wait. She's a captain. Ack. [switch] Maybe this is our Earth....

AltAltCarter: Okay, plug in the things while I do the thing with the thing.
Teal'c: [blank look]
AltAltCarter: This universe has a lower technobabble threshold. It's a charge-mass ratio thing.
Teal'c: And the gods themselves?
AltAltCarter: They contend in vain. Moving on.

[O'Neill flips the switch.]

AltAltCarter: Yes! You rule, Teal'c. [kisses him on the cheek.]
Teal'c: Take this lunch box when you go to the Asgard homeworld. They probably eat their food in coloured tablet form.
Jaffa: {Halt!}
AltAltCarter: Why is nothing ever easy?

[Teal'c stalls the Jaffa while AltAltCarter makes a break for it--]
AltAltCarter: This gonna hurt on the other si--
[--and dives through the portal. Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis arrives.]
Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis: {I come back for my date book and look what I find! Now I have to kill you all.}
Teal'c: Why is nothing ever easy?

Jaffa: Put down your weapons or the kid gets it!
Daniel: My youthful good looks are one thing, but I'd prefer not being referred to as "the kid".
O'Neill: Why is nothing ever easy?

Daniel: You killed AltAltHammond! You bast--
Daniel: --ow.
Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis: Now, answer the quest--er, why are you waving your arms, Jaffa Guy?
Jaffa Guy: Er, there's a large blip thing on this radar screen. I'd say this justifies the "running like a scared little girl" procedure.
Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis: Hell yes.

O'Neill: Asgard rule!
AltAltCarter teleports in.]
AltAltCarter: I made new friends! And they just made Apophis' entire invasion force run away in raw animal terror! Heh heh, cool. Just wait until I teach them the fine art of being stupid and blowing things up.
O'Neill: That's my Carter! ...Sorta.

Kawalsky: You the man, Jack.
O'Neill: No, you're the man.
Kawalsky: Teal'c, you're the man.
Teal'c: Indeed.

AltAltCarter: Thanks, guys.
O'Neill: Yeah, guys. Thanks.
Daniel: Is there something wrong with your neck? Why are you gesturing with your head toward the mir--oh. Right.
[Daniel and Teal'c return to Earth #1 where Carter is waiting.]
AltAltCarter: I'm all sad because you're leaving. And you're dead. Sorta.
O'Neill: So... how about those Mets?

AltAltCarter kisses O'Neill.]
AltAltCarter: Almost, but not quite, entirely unlike Jack.
O'Neill: Yeah.
AltAltCarter: Carter looks like she'll have some kind of attack if we do that again.
O'Neill: Yeah.
AltAltCarter: Bye.

AltAltCarter: My only consolation is the eventual restoration of my homeworld, and the protection of the Asgard. [sniff] This sucks.


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