Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Prometheus" by Nan PREVIOUSLY ON STARGATE SG-1: ADRIAN CONRAD IS A BIG LAMER. SO IS COLONEL SIMMONS. [Carter in a parking lot. Never a good thing.] Donovan: Hey! I'm a smarmy reporter! I have trinium. Talk about Prometheus. Carter: Er... no. [Carter reports to Hammond.] Carter: Why does this stuff always happen to me? Hammond: The Pentagon is investigating. Davis is going to go talk to Donovan. [Davis stops Donovan's limo.] Davis: Don't publish. Donovan: Bite me. Davis: My name is Paul. Donovan: That's unfortunate, man. Fangirls: Rowr! Davis: I got bupkis. We're screwed. I dunno who the leak is. [Davis and Carter go see Donovan's producer.] Donovan: You guys suck! Carter: Nyer. Al, the Producer: Hey, give us exclusive rights with a camera crew before you break the story. It'll all be cool. Hammond: Right, then. We'll just doublecross 'em. O'Neill: Camera crew = bad idea. Hammond: Meh. [Carter and Quinn take Donovan, Al, and the camera guys to see the Prometheus. It's a ship, the X-303.] Donovan: Cool. [The camera guys produce Zats from their stuff.] Guards: What're you--? Oh, man, this is gonna hurt-- [ZAP ZAP ZAP!] [The camera guys remove the bodies of the guards. Some creepy brunette starts messing with stuff.] Carter: Hullo, what's this? The ambient wigginess has shot up. Stay here. Jonas: I never get to do anything. [Carter meets the camera guys in a corridor.] Carter: Let's forego the dialog and I'll just bash your teeth in. Jonas: Hah! Few things are quite as irritating as virus scan in the middle of your work! Wah hah hah! Al: I'll just tell them what you've done. Donovan: Al, you suck! [Carter hides, then gets sealed in her hiding place: a room full of stuff.] Carter: Comm gear. Honestly, I'm working against amateurs... Jonas: You guys suck. Evil Camera Guy: Yes, but we can blow a lot of stuff up, so give us what we want. O'Neill: Davis! I am way beyond annoyed here! Techie: Er, the hostage-takers are talking. O'Neill: Good. Evil Camera Guy: Release Colonel Simmons and Adrian Conrad! O'Neill: Meh. Techie: Hey, it's Carter. Davis: Go up a deck and blow the subspace control thingie. Carter: Right, gimme a minute. I have to cut through trinium, here... [Davis fetches Simmons.] Davis: You suck. Simmons: I rule, is what. [The Evil Camera Guys find the settings for the hyperdrive are weird.] Evil Camera Guy: Fix it. Jonas: Bite me. Evil Camera Guy: Die! Al: Wait a sec-- Evil Camera Guy's Gun: Bang! Al: Ack. Gurgle. Jonas: Okay, okay, I'll fix it. [They send Conrad and Simmons in.] Conrad: I rule. Jonas: Aw, man. [On the surface...] Davis: Aw, man. Carter'll have to cut fast or she'll die. No airlock on her deck. Everyone: Aw, man. [Carter gets out with ten seconds to lift off. The deck starts decompressing.] Carter: Crap. Teal'c: Hey, let's use a death glider and board the ship. Davis + O'Neill: Cool. [Simmons comes to gloat.] Simmons: I'm a "big fan." Donovan: Bite me. Simmons: And you're the little alien. Jonas: Bite me. Simmons: Don't hold your breath for help: Carter's dead. Donovan + Jonas: Bite me. [Carter starts crawling through the ductwork, breaking stuff.] Carter: Hah! Dead, my foot. When will they learn? [The brunette, Jones, notes that the subspace engines are dead.] Simmons: Darn that Carter! Carter: Eat fist! [She beats the crap out of one of the Evil Camera Guys. Two others show up, armed with Zats.] Carter: Aw, crap. [Teal'c and O'Neill board, saving Carter from being zatted by the Evil Camera Guys.] Carter: Cool! [Conrad fixes the engines and they go to hyperspeed.] Conrad: Booyeah. [Conrad incapacitates Jones, then jumps Simmons.] Conrad: Growr! Simmons: Eat bullets! Conrad: Ack! [O'Neill, Teal'c, and Carter find Jones and Conrad.] O'Neill: Oooh, nasty. [O'Neill and Teal'c find Simmons. He's been possessed by Conrad's Goa'uld. Lots of whuppage both ways.] Simmons/Goa'uld: Oooh, a large, blunt object. Die! O'Neill: Chew vacuum! [Simmons gets sucked out of the ship.] O'Neill: When will they learn? [The hostages are released. However...] Carter: We're screwed. O'Neill: Why is nothing ever easy? Carter: Or not. Thor: Hi, kids. Everyone: Woohoo! Thor: Er, we need your help. And your ship. Replicators have overrun our world. O'Neill: We never get to keep our ships... Thor: Dear god, don't end this fiver with the S-word. Carter: What, "'ship?" Thor: Auugh! TO BE CONTINUED Legal notices. You are number ### to get approached by a dodgy character in a parking lot.