Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Prometheus" by akire [Lovely day in the mountains] Sam: Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to play with doohickeys we go. Reporter (Donovan): Hey you, tell me all about this Top Secret project called Prometheus. Sam: Umm, no. Reporter: Then tell me about this Top Secret piece of trinium I'm holding. Sam: Umm, no. And frell. [Credits] [Cheyenne Mountain] Sam: Damn reporters. Hammond: Indeed. But you did good. It's the Pentagon's problem now. Sam: How long have we got? Hammond: Four days. [Washington DC] Reporter: Name drop, name drop, name drop. Hey look, I'm not where I'm meant to be. Davis: [gets into car. CC fangrrls everywhere drool at the Class A uniform] Hello, I'm Paul 'Pookie' Davis. Fangrrls: Yes! We were right, his first name is Paul! Reporter: I won't be intimidated. Davis: So I guess the National Security speech won't work, huh? Reporter: Confirm my story and I'll stop digging. Davis: If I say no, we have no plot. So... no. [Cheyenne Mountain] Davis: I hate that reporter. And we have a leak somewhere. Hammond: Do we? Davis: Yes. And it's only going to get worse. Hammond: Time to use the batphone again! [Reporter's Office] Reporter: Eeek! It's the suits! Producer: We've killed the story because the President asked our über-boss. Sam: So give us every last bit of info you've got. Davis: Or else we'll get medieval on yo ass! So play nice with the people who killed your story. Reporter: Grr! Producer: Let's compromise. Let Reporter-girl document your toy, and when you let us, we get the scoop. Sam and Davis: Ummmm...no. [Cheyenne Mountain] Jonas: Will she, won't she, will she, won't she... I'm glad we never had mass-media on my homeworld. Davis: Let me lay out the exposition here. We give reporter-gal a tour of the facility, and producer-boy names her source. Then we can kill the leak. Literally. Hammond: So we're gonna double-cross reporter-gal Davis: She tries talking, she's gonna be a tabloid-hack. Or it would be picked up by those nice folk at the Chronicles that Teal'c likes so much. Jack: You guys are nuts. I'm going to spend the next twenty minutes eating donuts in my trailer. Call me when we get to an action scene. Hammond: Fine, I'll make Sam and Jonas do your job. [Little Bunker on the Firing Range] Reporter: Snarl, hiss, snarl. Jonas: I'll just stand here and show off my over-white teeth. Sam: Let's get started so we can get to the action sequence already. [down an elevator] Sam: This is Prometheus. And don't mind the paint job, she's a sweet ride. [Inside Prometheus] [Sam gives the guided tour] Producer: Little green men helped build this? Sam: Actually, they're grey. They make good ships, but don't let them cook you a meal. Anyway, I'm going to feed you a line about where the original alien ship came from. Reporter: Cool. Let's leave the extras here to hatch a plot whilst we go look at more grey corridors... Camera-crew: Hi ho, hi ho. Don't mind us, we're just hatching a plot... [tour continues into the engine room] Sam: Anyone who says 'beam me up, Scotty' will get zatted with extreme prejudice. [back on the bridge] Henchwoman: Tap tap, don't mind me, hack hack. [engine room] Sam: Hey look, the computers gone all 'someone's hatching a plot-y'. Henchmen: Zats look gooood with Hawaiian shirts... hey look, its Major Carter Sam: *whack* Henchmen: We can't zat the broad-side of a spaceship! Sam: I'll hide in here. Henchmen: Cool. Seal her in! Sam: Frell. [engine room] Jonas: I'll just take out this small, easily accessible, yet vitally important crystal, so the ship won't fly. Producer: Haven't you guys read The Supervillains Handbook? Henchmen: We have zats, you don't, so nyah! Now get over there! Henchwoman (on radio): Computer's broken, boys. Fix it! Producer: He broke it! I can fix it! Reporter and Jonas: Frell! [in locked storage room] Sam: So there's where my v... oh yeah, gotta escape first. [bridge] Henchwoman: I'd cackle maniacally, but my leather corset is too tight. [engine room] Jonas: Oh dear, I think they're going to blow up the ship, us, and the rest of Nevada. Reporter: Frell. [Surface camp] [Jack pulls up in a 4WD] fangrrls: They've done that a few times, look at all the tire tracks in the dirt! Jack: Davis! GRRRR! Davis: Bad guys nabbed the ship. Jack: I said this was going to end badly. Grrr some more! Technician: Hijackers on Line One! Go ahead caller, you're on the air! Henchmen: Give us Simmons and Conrad and we won't blow us all up. Jack: Frell. [Store Room] Sam: Hi ho, hi ho. Build yourself a short-wave radio out of storage room junk. Easier than dismantling a toaster. [Surface] Technician: Major Carter on Line Two! Sam: I'm sealed in. Can you call me a locksmith? Jack: Maybe later. Do you think the bad guys could carjack our spaceship? Sam: Umm, yeah. Davis: Frell. [Engine Room] Reporter: So money is the root of all evil, huh? Jonas: That's the moral of the story. He's the vacant threat of the day. Grr... Henchman: Meh. My poodle is more threatening than you. [Surface] Simmons: Gloat, gloat, tease. Davis: Why the hijackers want you, I'll never know. Simmons: They want little ole me? They love me, they really do! Davis: And the sick snakie dude, Conrad. Simmons: Oh him. Consider this my most disinterested 'meh.' Davis: Grrr. Gimme what I want or I throw you back into your box. Simmons: Meh. You grr like a puppy. [Engine Room] Henchman #1: We have a problem with the whatchamacallit and the doohickey. Jonas: *whistles innocently* Producer: Give peace a chance, man! Henchman #2: Umm, no. [shoots producer] Jonas: *gulp* I'll be good. [Surface] Teal'c: Bad guy #2 is here. Davis: Let the party begin! [Store room] Sam: Hi ho, hi ho, its cutting through the walls of the spaceship I go... [Surface] Technician: I wish we had that Ball thing from Times Square to help me with the countdown. Time's up! Jack: Hey, this is your frell-up, not mine Davis: Send in the prisoners. [Engine Room] Jonas: Okay, she's ready to roll. But keep it under the speed-limit? Conrad: Nope. Let's put the pedal to the metal and GO! [Bridge] Simmons: Hey, henchwoman, get me outta here. *sits in the Captain's chair* Oh, I am so much cooler than Jean-Luc! [Surface] Technician: They're ready to roll! Teal'c: Chill. Super-Sammy's on the case. Davis: Can Super-Sammy breath vacuum? Teal'c: No. Davis: Then we have a problem. [flashing between the bridge and the surface] Simmons: Oh yeah, way cooler than Picard! Davis: Stall, stall, stall. Simmons: You really need a better poker face. [store-room] Sam: Super-Sammy, to the rescue...*hears the engines powering up* Oh frell! Simmons: Calling your bluff in 3..2... Davis: Frell. Okay, let 'em out. Henchwoman: I am so much cooler than Data. Even if I have the same range of facial expressions. Simmons: Okay, 'make it so' and 'do it' have already been taken...ahh, just take us out of here already. *everyone watches the Prometheus take off* Technician: Hope no-one has satellite tracking on this. It would be harder to explain than the Beliskner. [storeroom] Sam: Super-Sammy... is having trouble breathing vacuum. Oh *cough* frell! Oh look, a convenient hatchway. Yay! [surface] Davis: Well, I'm fresh out of ideas. You're the headliners, I'm just guest cast. You think of something. Teal'c: Umm, follow them? Davis: Works for me. [in orbit] Reporter: Lay it all out for me and those who only started watching this season, wouldya? Simmons: Don't mind me, I've just come down to gloat in front of the reporter. And out the alien. Reporter: You're an alien too? Jonas: Hey, consider it a lifestyle choice. Yo, Simmons, do the bad-guy thing and tell me your whole scheme now? Simmons: Umm, no. And Sam's dead, by the way. So don't expect to be rescued this time. Jonas: Frell! [crawlspace] Sam: Super-Sammy to the... ahh, forget about it. Let's just trash the place. [outside the X-303] deathglider: Ho hum, ho hum, nothing to see here, keep it moving folks. [bridge] Henchwoman: Umm, something's broken. Henchman #1: I think it's the dead woman. Simmons: Go kill her. But leave me your gun. Henchman #1: Riiiight. Henchwoman: By the way, if we don't get this fixed nowish, we're going to be a bit dead. Simmons: One problem at a time! Yo, Goauld-boy! Get us moving FTL! [corridor] *Sam beats the crap out of henchman #1, but gets held up by Henchman #2. #2 is zatted from behind.* Jack: Miss me? [bridge] Conrad: We're good to go. Simmons: Let's go already! [around the ship, the sound of the hyperdrive engine cane be heard] Reporter: Aww, frell! [engine room] Sam: I can't access Doom II on this computer any more! Jack: Let's go shoot real people instead. [bridge] Simmons: Can't get good help these days. *Conrad comes barrelling in, floors Simmons and knocks out the henchwoman. Simmons dives for his gun, and he and Conrad struggle. The gun goes off.* fangrrls: Oh, let me guess what happens next! *SG-1 enter the bridge* Teal'c: Tell me everything or I'll... Henchwoman: They're on deck four. Teal'c: Spoilsport! [outside supply room where Jonas and the Reporter are] Teal'c: This is too...*thud* *Jack and a glowing-eyed Simmons fight* fangrrls: Jello wrestling! *Simmons stuns Jack then goes to work on Teal'c.* Simmons: I am too cool! *the ship comes out of hyperspace and knocks everyone off balance* Jack: Well, looky here. The controls for the windows. Hold on! Simmons: What? *Gets sucked out into space when Jack opens the airlock.* Teal'c: You are too cool. Stop it. I have too little to do as it is. [bridge] Henchwoman: Grr... Jack: Don't make me get the rolled up newspaper. Sam: We're lost worse than the Robinsons. Henchwoman: The Goauld lied to us! Teal'c: Strange, that. Jack: Whatever. Let's go home. Sam: What part of 'lost worse than the Robinsons' don't you get? Jack: Frell! [later, on the bridge] Jonas: Hey, look who just pulled up alongside. Jack: Thor! Give us a hand? Thor: Actually, that was what I was going to ask... tbc in 'Unnatural Selection' Legal notices. You are number ### to grrr at Pookie--er, Davis.