Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Proving Ground" by Miss Ship [Teal'c and O'Neill run around with these military kids, making it look like something important and exciting's happening. But it's not.] Elliott: Assessing. O'Neill: Ignoring. Teal'c: Come on, O'Neill, let's jet. O'Neill: 'Kay. [The Mini SG Team finds Carter (talking in a funky voice) and Daniel, pointing guns at each other.] Elliott: Uh, what's up? Carter: Not much. [Grogan shoots Carter.] Daniel: Are you stupid? [Daniel shoots all of them, after talking in the funky voice.] Grogan: Yeah. [And then everyone gets up. Darn.] [O'Neill and Carter yell at the MSGT.] O'Neill: What did you think you were doing!?! Shooting Carter instead of Daniel!?! Carter: Yeah, what's up with that? Satterfield: Daniel's hot. Carter: Good enough. Elliott: Oh, and your scenario sucks. O'Neill: Meh. Elliott: I'm going to butt-snorkel. O'Neill: I prefer people who kick my ass, to people who kiss it. [MSGT meets by the jeeps, yes, by the jeeps.] Grogan: So, Colonel O'Neill's got some major issues. Satterfield: Yeah, he, like, hates every one. Grogan: Oh, yeah. But I was more talking about the whole cliché thing. Hailey: Okay, pact time. We'll promise never to use clichés. Grogan and Satterfield: Never ever again. Elliott: I dunno...if the shoe fits wear it... Hailey: Oh wait, it doesn't. [And here comes the "blue jell-o scene"...] Miss Ship: I'm not even going to bother to five this. Just imagine, jell-o, sarcastic Jack, smiling Sam and tons of ship. Big 'shippy sigh everyone! [Yet another scene of supposed excitement and importance. But it's not.] O'Neill: Okay, grab some alien tech, don't die and get to the gate. Go! Hailey: Are you sure the gun goes with my outfit? Satterfield: Well, no offence but it's kinda... Grogan and Elliott: Tacky. O'Neill: Hello? I said "GO!" Grogan: Okay, let's go and get me shot. Elliott: Oh, and this is where I get to fail yet one more time. [They fail yet one more time, and go to meet Colonel O'Neill.] O'Neill: You suck. [Cell phone rings. Menacing, secretive, military talk is heard.] O'Neill: Go home. [Jeeps come. Shots are fired. O'Neill gets shot. There's blood. Basically it sucks.] Elliott: Exciting. Now I remember why I joined the USAF. O'Neill: Crap, I'm stuck with losers helping me save the SGC from aliens. Yet another day in the life of Colonel Jack O'Neill. [O'Neill and the MSGT get into the SGC through these escape tunnel things. They get guns and hide in the armoury and hear Teal'c say...] Teal'c: I'm so evil, I'm so evil. Muhahahaha. [The MSGT go to Carter's lab and find out the gate has been opened.] Grogan: It's pretty. Elliott: Like a big... Hailey: Puddle. Which I've been through. So basically, I rock. [Hailey brings up cameras from General Hammond's office.] Satterfield: Whoa. Daniel looks even hotter when he's evil. [Daniel makes this artifact thing go all funky.] Satterfield: Ooo, field trip to Dr. Jackson's lab! Come on, Grogan. Grogan: Do I have to? Elliott: Hailey, we're going to shut off the puddle. Hailey: But it's so pretty. O'Neill: I'll just stay here. [Hailey and Elliott get in a firefight with some SF's.] Hailey: Hey, what's this? A gun? [Shoots it.] Oh, it's "real." Woops. [Satterfield and Grogan find out the artifact is a Goa'uld Trojan Horse.] [O'Neill has a weird phone call and stops Hailey and Elliott from shutting down the gate. Weird.] Hailey: Okay, so these nanabots are making all the SG personnel do funky stuff. It's not just another training scenario to see how we react when we are put in a very realistic situation. Elliott: Okay, then, I've got a brilliant plan. Grogan: What? Are you going to suggest taking over the briefing room at the same time as shutting off the gate? Stopping the SF's, creating a distraction that enables Hailey to shut off the gate, while you set C4 to destroy the device giving off the transmissions that are controlling the personnel? Elliott: Well, I was going to say let's go for pizza...but if we can get pizza after... [O'Neill makes another weird phone call. Weird.] [The MSGT meets Carter.] Elliott: That's it, I'm certain you're evil. Like everyone on the base is evil, so you must be evil. To Colonel O'Neill's office we go. Sam: Right-O. [The MSGT and Carter arrive to see O'Neill freeing a SF's restraints. Weird.] Elliott: See I told you everyone was evil. Grogan: Ooo, can I shoot him? Carter: That's my job. [Elliott shoots O'Neill.] Elliott: Everyone's evil I tell you. Hailey: Except Major Carter, we totally trust Major Carter. Satterfield: Uh, why again? Hailey: Have you seen her cool civvies? [The MSGT run off to complete that plan they were supposed to complete a long time ago.] [Carter and O'Neill chat, even though O'Neill is "evil." Weird.] O'Neill: So, is everyone being Big Brotherish upstairs? Carter: Yep. [Hammond and that guy talk.] Hammond: So, if you've got five apples, and give two to Harry and one to-- That Guy: So, this just a training scenario. Hammond: --Sally. How many-- That Guy: And we're just testing them to see if they are "SG team qualifiable." Hammond: --do you have left? [O'Neill and Carter enter.] O'Neill: Three. [Daniel and Teal'c lounge in Hammond's office, the phone rings.] O'Neill: Heh, heh, heh. [Shooting and stuff begins.] Satterfield: Hey, Daniel, after I shoot you and this whole training scenario's over, you wanna go out for a drink or something? Daniel: Uh, aren't you, like, twelve!?! [Satterfield shoots him.] Satterfield: Thirteen, idiot! Elliott: Come on, let's go blow up the device. [C4 counts down.] Satterfield: What? So, suddenly the C4 of this country has gone downhill? 'Cause if you call that an explosion... well... let's just say, that was not an explosion. [The MSGT minus Hailey walk into the briefing room to find out...] Elliott: You got pizza! Grogan: Uh, aren't you guys evil? O'Neill: Who, us? Carter: Well, yeah. Hammond: But there's pizza. O'Neill: And no Hailey. Carter: Now there's a bonus. Elliott: Oh, right. She's "deactivating the gate." Part of the other part of the part of the part of the scenario. Miss Ship: Woops. Grogan: Anyways, is this where I get to go save her and act all heroic? Elliott: No. Want some pizza? [An incoming wormhole is activated, the iris is not working, radiation is coming through the gate, and Hailey's "already dead."] Elliott: Now I remember why I joined the USAF. O'Neill: The excitement, the drama, the adventure? Elliott: Have you tried this pizza? [Everyone heads up to the viewing room, except Elliott.] Elliott: And here I go, defying orders, closing the iris, saving Hailey, watching the blast doors open to everyone clapping... are they eating my pizza!?! Hammond: So, you've got the job. O'Neill: Yep. Elliott: Lovely. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to shoot O'Neill.