Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Red Sky" by The One The Asgard Call O'Pipp Carter: Sir, every time we try to dial this planet we get a big flashing neon sign saying "Don't go there!" and some foreboding music playing. O'Neill: Meh. [FOREBODING MUSIC] O'Neill: I said, "Meh." Stargate Error 104: This gate has performed an illegal operation. Basically this means you're screwed. Have a nice day. Hat guy: Welcome to the planet of the lost shippers! O'Neill: Uh? Elrad: Yeah, the whole galaxy is just made up of 'shippers. The Goa'uld are just really really really mad S/Jers. They saw "There but for the Grace of God" a few too many times. Carter: That actually explains a lot. O'Neill: There's just NOTHING new in the universe is there? Jackson: New York? New Hampshire? New England? [KABOOM] Carter: Your bad jokes made the sun explode! We are all going to diiiiiiie! O'Neill: What's the news, Carter? Carter: It's not looking good sir, the sky's all glowy, we're about to meet this week's evil villain and I haven't even got a tan yet. Malchus: Like my hat? O'Neill: Heh heh! Your name sounds like mucus. Mucus: You have made a powerful enemy today.... [FOREBODING MUSIC] O'Neill: Meh. What are you going to do? Destroy a billion dollar rocket, kill some innocents, make me really mad and doom your planet? Mucus: Hmm, good idea. O'Neill: Look Teal'c, we've got something to tell you. Teal'c: Indeed. O'Neill: Well, basically the Asgard hate you. Teal'c: Indeed. Carter: With a burning intensity. Teal'c: Indeed. Jackson: Akin to the fires of hell. Teal'c: Indeed. O'Neill: In fact, they would rather spend the day with Dr. Jackson than 10 minutes with you. Teal'c: Ind.. HEY! O'Neill: It's the Asgard! My god! Freyr: Well, some people think so. O'Neill: Help us, pleeeeeease? Asgard: No way. O'Neill: Can you feel the love in this room? Carter: I know! Let's save the civilisation by playing with these apples and pears! O'Neill: Aliens eat apples? Carter: Please. Wormhole X-Treme is so next week. Hammond: How can we afford to have a rocket? Carter: Sir, with today's meaningless technobabble, how can we NOT afford to have a rocket? Hammond: I'm sold. [3 WEEKS LATER...] Rocket: I'm getting some bad karma.... [KABOOM] Carter: Dammit. I just knew we shouldn't have called it Death's Head 13. O'Neill: You blew up the rocket! Grrr! Mucus: What can I say...? It wasn't me? [Cue the band, playing "It wasn't me."] Mucus: You saw me blowing up the rocket-- Chorus: It wasn't me! Mucus: You saw me trying to kill Carter-- Chorus: It wasn't me! Mucus: You saw me.... [Music stops] O'Neill: He's using Pop music for evil! He must be stopped! Teal'c: Heh heh! That guy thinks I'm an elf. O'Neill: You're not? Carter: I thought he was a Vulcan Jackson: Who's Teal'c? O'Neill: Freyr is just a wimpy little grey amphibian. Bonneted ones: We will never believe you! O'Neill: Fine then; S/J isn't real, it's just some myth we made up to pull in the 'shippers. Bonneted ones: Argh! There is no god! O'Neill: Now that's what I was trying to tell you! Carter: I have a theory: None of this is real, we're all just characters in a TV show being parodied in virtual reality, the Asgard are just little grey puppets with cow eyes, and hat guy doesn't even own his hat! Hammond: Meh. And I suppose you're going to tell me that there's a `shipper writing this? Carter: Don't be absurd. Carter: Ok, here's our plan. We shove some chemical through the wormhole and hope it works. O'Neill: Isn't there something wrong with that? Carter: I said wormhole, not plot hole. O'Neill: Lets go and see how much we suck. Carter: OK. As long as Daniel doesn't do his emotional bit. Jackson: It's in my contract, ok? Hat Guy: The elves have returned! Stay away, for you bring shadow to this land. O'Neill: Someone saw Lord of the Rings a few too many times. Teal'c: Heheheh! Can I be Frodo? Pleeeeeease? Carter: As long as I get to be Gandalf. O'Neill: On earth we have a saying for this kind of situation... Carter: Red sky at night, we suck. Red sky in the morning, we've destroyed a planet. Jackson: Wait. It is now time for my emotional bit. O'Neill: Aw..... Carter: Family show, family show. Hat Guy: Freyr rocks! Jackson: I agree. Kinda. Hat Guy: What? And you think we'll go all warm and fuzzy and forgive you? Jackson: Yeah, that's the plan. Warm and Fuzzy Hat Guy: Works for me. Carter: Ooo! Look at the sun! FX shots! O'Neill: You know what this means? Jackson: We've used up our entire FX budget for the year in one episode? O'Neill: Yeah, but no. We've been saved! Carter: Who could have done that? CoughAsgardcough. O'Neill: So, what's happening? Carter: I just saved the civilisation! Ha! Carter: 5 O'Neill: 4! Jackson: Technically it wasn't you.. Carter: Shuttup, allergy boy. You've already maxed out on your quota of lines for this episode. Sun: OK, would someone please explain to me why this was called red sky? Wouldn't "the-SG1-team-really-screws-up-and-almost-drives-an-entire-civillisation-into-extinction-but-then-are-saved-by-the-Asgard-or-maybe-not" have been better? Hammond: Hey guys, what's up? Carter: Well, I'm about to prove my theory true. Teal'c: Indeed? O'Neill: Uh? Carter: We are just characters from a TV show, appearing in virtual reality, look..... Over here.... And over here! Carter: And look, some moron's reading this.. Jackson: We are going to diiiiiiie! Teal'c: Indeed? O'Neill: Whatever you do, please don't close this window...... THIS PROGRAMME HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND WILL BE SHUT DOWN. O'Neill: Aw, £*!"@%*&! THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to take a portal through a sun.