Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Revelations" by The One The Asgard Call O'Pipp O'NEILL: It's been a good year for us here at Stargate, apart from a few minor casualties. CARTER: As you may recall, the Tollan, the Tok'ra and a bunch of good aliens got killed, and, oh yeah, something happened to Daniel. DANIEL'S GHOST: Hey! I am not minor! CARTER: You're dead, so get over it, ghost boy. GENERAL HAMMOND: But, on the upside, I got a new pen. CARTER: Grieve grievity grieve. HAMMOND: Hey, this doesn't fit at all with the last scene. CARTER: Get over it, baldy. HAMMOND: What? You can tell it's a comb over? THOR: Move it or loose it, snakey! OSIRIS: Phttttt. If you're so advanced, how come you're naked? THOR: Oh my god! [RUNS AROUND IN A LITTLE CIRCLE] OSIRIS: I'll use this as a convenient excuse to kidnap you, destroy your ship and possibly take over the universe. THOR: Ah, you win some, you loose some. FREYR: So, basically, we really screwed up. Have fun dealing with it. O'NEILL: Great, we'll take it! CARTER: You just can't say no, can you? O'NEILL: No. FREYR: Well, that really screwed that joke up. CARTER: Get over it, nekkid boy. FREYR: Oh my god... TEAL'C: Seeing as I haven't said anything for a while, I find Daniel's death very, uh... distressing. CARTER: Well, lame as that was, it was better than your eulogy. ASGARD: Hey, I'm an Asgard, who happens to have the same voice as Doctor Fraiser. O'NEILL: But the haircut's way better. CARTER: Remember everyone, when the Teryl Rothery fans come for us, it was him, not me, that said that. O'NEILL: Let's go save Thor. TEAL'C: Well, it's not like the airforce has anything better to do on earth. CARTER: Ooo! Ooo! Can I be HOLO-CARTER? Puuuuuuulease? HEIMDALL: Blah blah, saving the Asgard race, strawberry ice cream, clones, biscuits, dying race, green apples. CARTER: Uh? O'PIPP: Riiiiiiight, sorry, misplaced my shopping list. O'NEILL: Hey, how are we gonna get on a ship swarming with Goa'uld? CARTER: Uh... Commercial break time, commercial break.. OSIRIS: Had a trip or fall at work? Have you been crippled? Do you crave power? If so, call 0900-INGEST-SNAKE, and find out what the Goa'uld can do for you! [RING RING RING RING RING] O'NEILL: I love what they've done with the place! TEAL'C: We simply must get the name of their decorator. CARTER: Left... right... right. O'NEILL: Yep? CARTER: You put your left leg in, your right leg out... O'NEILL: Well, I think we should have seen that joke coming. TEAL'C: What, like we should have seen these Jaffa coming? O'NEILL: Eeep! CARTER: Don't worry, I'll save them! HOLO-CARTER: Hey guys, over here? O'NEILL: Was that the best you could come up with? ANUBIS: Now, be honest; tell me what you think of the cloak. Too little? Too much? THOR: No comment.... ANUBIS: Well, guess I'll have to download your brain to find out. OSIRIS: Here's an idea, let's flood the ship with toxic gas. JAFFA: We didn't do this before because?! OSIRIS: Hey, who's the good-looking Goa'uld 'round here? ANUBIS: Actually, it's not who you'd think.. CARTER: They're dead. Ah, no use crying over spilt milk. Can I see your frozen Asgard pop now? D'ya think they'll make me a colonel? THOR: White bishop to black king, checkmate, and... you're free. O'NEILL: Yeah, wow. Say, aren't you naked? THOR: I'd tear out my hair, but wait, I don't have any! O'NEILL: So you're bald too? HAMMOND: Hey, no need to rub it in. CARTER: Hey, just pull those crystals out. O'NEILL: The question is why we you didn't do that 2 hours ago. TEAL'C: No, the question is why Major Carter didn't see those Jaffa coming. CARTER: Oh, dammit. [ZAP!] TEAL'C: Ooo! Look, pretty crystals; let's take some home as a souvenir! O'NEILL: I've got a better idea; let's zap 'em. TEAL'C: Hmmmm... works for me. OSIRIS: I've got you now, my pretty, bwahahahaha! HAMMOND: Hey, I'm pretty too. OSIRIS: Look, it was an Oz reference, and I would have got away with it too if it hadn't been for you and those meddling kids.. I mean 'shippers. TEAL'C + O'NEILL: ZAP ZAP ZAP! CARTER: Daniel's dead I tell you. D-E-D... I mean, D-E-A-D. OSIRIS: Yeah, like I believe you... DANIEL'S GHOST: I'm not dead...I can never die, for I am SuperDan... CARTER + OSIRIS: Shut up! [CONVENIENT RING OUT] HEIMDALL: Hey look, we're all OK! GOA'ULD SHIP: Hi! HEIMDALL: Eeep! ASGARD FLEET: Yo! HEIMDALL: Hey, look, we're really OK now! THOR: Apart from me... GAK! HEIMDALL: You just HAD to ruin it for the rest of us, didn't you? O'NEILL: And they all lived happily ever after.. CARTER: Apart from Thor. TEAL'C: And the rest of the Asgard. CARTER: The Tollan. TEAL'C: The Tok'ra. CARTER: And the fact that the Goa'uld are now amazingly powerful. O'NEILL: So, who fancies a snack? DANIEL'S GHOST: Help meeeeeeee! I'm trapped in the ventilation system.... CARTER: Oh come on, it wouldn't be that obvious, would it? [SIGH].... See you next season Danny. O'NEILL: Spooooooooooooooooky! TEAL'C: No, not really... O'NEILL: Fine. I've got a summer job at Enterprise. See you next season Mr. Vulcan. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to run around with a holoprojector stuck to your shirt pocket.