Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Rules of Engagement" by Draknek 64 and Nan O'Neill: I wonder what we'll find on this seemingly empty planet. Carter: What makes you think this won't be a routine mission? O'Neill: When was the last time we had a routine mission? Staff weapon fire: Ooh! That's my cue! Jaffa warriors: Here's the plan - we surround and brutally kill you, while you stand around without returning fire. Evil SG Team: OK, but if any good guys come, we get to kill them. SG-1: You called? Evil SG Team: DIE! Teal'c: We've died. O'Neill: Again? What plot device is it this time? Teal'c: Equipment malfunction. Generic fake SG guy: Stop talking. O'Neill: Why? Generic fake SG guy: We're seeing how long you can go without making witty comments. Evil SG trainees: Look at us act like normal human military recruits! Daniel: A tip - generally we wear uniforms, not 'Down with Earth' T-shirts. O'Neill: I outrank you, so grovel at my feet. Rogers: Rank is irrelevant. O'Neill: What does the episode title mean? Rogers: Titles are irrelevant. Teal'c: elituf si ecnatsiseR. Rogers: Where would you like me to grovel, sir? Big bad Apophis: Oi! Come 'ere! Daniel: Aah! Diediediediediedie!!!! Carter: When'd you get a weapon? You know we can't trust you with them. O'Neill: Invasion cancelled, go home. Nelson: Why? Teal'c: Apophis is dead, that's why. Rogers: No he's not, he's right over there! O'Neill: But... Big bad Apophis: Silence! Jaffa: DIIIIIIIE!!! Rogers: Is he supposed to have a real weapon? Jaffa: Who cares? Die! Rogers: OW! Daniel: Hey! He hit my ketchup! Nelson: Ketchup has been spilt - the Final Challenge is upon us. O'Neill: Is he going to make it? Carter: Sure, he'll be fine in a few days. O'Neill: Good. We're taking him home in defiance of their rules. Fraiser: He's got first degree ketchup stains. 50ccs arsenic, stat! Rogers: Where's Apophis? Apophis: Hello. I'm dead right now, but I'll be brought back to life in 3 episodes time. In the meantime, please leave a message after the beep. BEEP. Rogers: You suck. I suck. Everybody sucks. O'Neill: Does Apophis suck? Rogers: No. O'Neill: Rats. My own plan, spoilt just like that. VCR: I'm so bored. Maybe I should play a convenient video of Apophis' death. Apophis: ARGH!! Stop tickling me! Stoooop!!! Rogers: It's clear now that Apophis sucks. Anyone who can't take tickle-torture doesn't deserve to be a God. O'Neill: Well, that worked well. Let's hope we don't lose the video, so we can use it in any future episodes. Teal'c: Indeed. O'Neill: That was fun. Let's go again! Rogers: To save my men, right? O'Neill: Yeeesss.... Carter: Weren't we supposed to be sneaking in? O'Neill: Yes? Carter: So why are we getting shot? O'Neill: (hiding) Better? Carter: Much. Rogers: Hey! Random soldier: Oh, it's you. I didn't recognise you without your 'Invade the Tauri' T-shirt. Teal'c: Die! Rogers: Hurry! Carter: You can't expect me to technobabble stuff without playing Super Naquadah Brothers first. It's just not done. Big bad Apophis: Oi! Come 'ere again! Big dying Apophis: ARGH!! Stop tickling me! Stoooop!!! Vo'cume: So if I display 3D images, how can I display that 2D image to everyone, all around? Carter: Hey, stop that! Only I'm allowed to point out plotholes! Vo'cume: Watch me not care. Everyone: Dude! Nelson: Now what do we do? Rogers: We go home. Nelson: Okay, but not right now. Rogers: Why? Nelson: I think I left the oven on. Apophis: Dead? Hah! I shall have my revenge! Sokar: SILENCE! Apophis: Sorry, Master. Shall I continue with your manicure? Sokar: No! You are banished to the Pit for your inferior filing skills! Apophis: Aw, man. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to wear hip "Down with Earth" shirts.