Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Serpent's Song" by The One The Asgard Call O'Pipp CARTER: Hmm, We've had "Within the Serpent's Grasp", "Serpents Lair", and coming soon, "Serpent's venom". And now for something really inventive... "Serpent's Song." O'NEILL: I guess some writers just love snakes too much. CARTER: Ooo! I got a Valentine! [She reads it] CARTER: Aw, dammit, it's from Apophis. Why do you never send me one? O'NEILL: Enough with the `shippyness. Let's just go save Apophis before Martouf gets to him. JACKSON: Shouldn't we have something better to do than to hang out here? This place looks just like the hideout in "The Tok'ra." TEAL'C: There are many mysteries in the universe Daniel Jackson; including the fact the Teal'c fan club only has 1 member. JACKSON: Heh heh heh, what kind of sad freak would join that? TEAL'C: That would be you. O'NEILL: I spy with my little eye, a mortally wounded Apophis. CARTER: Aw, he's so cute and all alone, can we keep him? APOPHIS: I claim Kal-toh! O'NEILL: Isn't that a Vulcan board game? APOPHIS: Whatever. Forward the plot already. DR. FRAISER: In the interest of furthering the plot, something funky is going on. He's been tortured by this wicked bad Goa'uld, who's coming for us. [CARTER HAS YET ANOTHER INSIGHTFUL JOLINAR FLASHBACK] CARTER: I have had yet another insightful Jolinar flashback. This "torture" you speak of is a bad thing. JACKSON: So, like, this Sokar, is like, totally evil and totally old. He's like, wrinkled. CARTER: He like, so wants to destroy the earth. O'NEILL: I can, like, totally hear him going for that. HAMMOND: Well SG1, what are we going to do? O'NEILL: CARTER: JACKSON: TEAL'C: HAMMOND: Either someone forgot to type in the text, or we really suck. O'PIPP: Hey, don't look at me. MARTOUF: Hi everybody, you may remember me from such episodes as "The Tok'ra part I" or "The Tok'ra part II" I serve as a potential love interest, and have nice teeth. O'NEILL: You're not looking so good. MARTOUF: Yeah, ever since then I've been receiving daily death threats from 'shippers. O'NEILL: It's a good thing you have really nice teeth. USELESS TOK'RA 1#: We are here to warn you. USELESS TOK'RA 2#: Something bad is coming. USELESS TOK'RA 3#: Something very bad indeed. O'NEILL: Sorry, guys, you're a bit late. "Spirits" was a few weeks ago. HAMMOND: Ok, the Tok'ra have been, Apophis is dying, the shippers are getting restless, meaning our evil villain of the week should arrive just about-- SOKAR: BLARGH! HAMMOND: Now. HAMMOND: Ok, Teal'c, you were a Jaffa, can you tell me something about this Sokar guy? TEAL'C: Indeed. HAMMOND: Go ahead. TEAL'C: Indeed. HAMMOND: So? TEAL'C: Indeed. HAMMOND: You're not going to tell me anything, are you? TEAL'C: Indeed. HAMMOND: I'm glad we had this little chat. HAMMOND: Can't you do something major, Major? CARTER: Well, I could, but we've still got 36.78 minutes to go. And what would we fill that up with? Daniel singing? [CUE MUSIC] JACKSON: Always look on the bright side of life! CHORUS: De de, de dum de dum de de! JACKSON: Always look on the light side of death! CHORUS: De de, de dum de dum de de! CARTER: My ears are burning! Call the music police! SOKAR: This is the voice of Sokar (in stereo where available). You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.... O'NEILL: I believe the line is; "People of the Tau'ri, you have taken what is mine, you will be destroyed." SOKAR: Excuse me, who's the classically trained actor round here? I've been on Broadway. I may not use the lines, but I'm giving him a soul. MARTOUF: Just give Sokar what he wants. Things could get ugly, believe me, I saw him in "Guys and Dolls" MARTOUF: We should all remain calm and try to.. LANTASH: DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! MARTOUF: Breathe in.. LANTASH: I AM THE ANGEL OF DEATH! THE TIME OF PURIFICATION IS AT HAND! MARTOUF: And out.... That's right, caaaaalm. APOPHIS: Argh! I am dying! DR FRAISER: Meh. Take 2 aspirins and call me in the morning. JACKSON: Egyptian babble. APOPHIS' HOST: Egyptian babble. O'NEILL: The usual babble. BRAD WRIGHT: Aw, sorry guys, change of plan. Due to budget cuts, we can't afford to keep Apophis alive. You're gonna have to find some other Goa'uld to annoy. O'NEILL: Yeah, and I suppose we're gonna be kidnapped by Hathor? BRAD WRIGHT: Well, um... say, look over there! [HE RUNS AWAY] MARTOUF: Here's my pager. Call me. CARTER: What, and risk getting mobbed by 'shippers? O'NEILL: What we're trying to say is, don't call us, we'll call you. JACKSON: Its ok, folks, you just gotta remember: [MUSIC - ALWAYS A BAD SIGN] JACKSON: Always look on the bright side of death-- CHORUS: De de, de dum de dum de de! APOPHIS: Just before you take that final breath! CHORUS: De de, de dum de dum de de! [MUSIC CUTS] MUSIC POLICE: Alright, you were warned about this before. You have the right to remain silent. JACKSON: I plead the 5th! Free the Stargate 1! THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to be yelled at by Lantash.