Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Shades of Grey" by Nan Daniel: We'd like to establish diplomatic relations. Travell: Cool. Daniel: We wanna trade stuff. Travell: Like? Daniel: Technology. Travell: No smeggin' way. Daniel: But-- Travell: Zip it! O'Neill: The Tollans suck! Smeg this! Hey! Convenient tech! [O'Neill filches a weapon-supressor thing.] Daniel: But-- O'Neill: Zip it! Hammond: Cool! What is it? O'Neill: Advanced tech. Hammond: Score! Daniel: But! Hammond: But what? Daniel: Sorry, I thought I was gonna be cut off. Hammond: What? Carter? Carter: Uh-- O'Neill: I swiped it. Hammond: You suck! O'Neill: Feh. Hammond: Zip it! Hammond: Teal'c, take the colonel to the infirmary. He's acting wiggy. Teal'c: Indeed. Hammond: What's this? Daniel: This is Travell and a Cute Female Extra. Travell: Give us our stuff! Hammond: Okay, but-- Travell: Zip it! Fraiser: Doesn't seem to be possessed or anything. O'Neill: Eh, give it time, while I dis Teal'c. Carter: I'm concerned about you. O'Neill: Smeg off! You suck! Hammond: O'Neill, you suck. O'Neill: Meh. Hammond: The Tollans want to eat you alive. O'Neill: Meh. Hammond: Retire, before the "Kick the 'Tude Out of O'Neill" line forms up. O'Neill: Meh. One second thought, 'kay. Daniel: Hi, I'm here to figure out what the heck is wrong with you. O'Neill: Meh. Daniel: Uh, what's with the cryptic statement in the pre-retire briefing meeting? O'Neill: A coverstory. Daniel: I'm concerned about you. O'Neill: You suck! O'Neill: Maybourne, you suck! Maybourne: Can I come in, or what? O'Neill: Depends. Can I kill you? Maybourne: I find this change of heart of yours... quite intriguing. O'Neill: Quit talking like the Cigarette-Smoking Man and scram! Carter: Who're we getting to replace O'Neill? Daniel: Hopefully you. Hammond: Makepeace'll be replacing O'Neill. Daniel: But Carter's better! Carter: Shut up, Daniel. Daniel: But-- Carter: Zip it! O'Neill: 'Kay, I'm goin' black ops again. I've run out of guns to clean and friends to alienate. O'Neill: Opera and comics books. Ah, culture. Hey, Maybourne! What's this offer of yours? I got questions. Maybourne: After an extended Cigarette-Smoking Man-style segue, it's death or me, me or death from this point on. You in? O'Neill: 'Kay. Maybourne: Command a unit of the hemi-legit N.I.D. offshoot, the We Steal Stuff And Make It Work unit. O'Neill: Cool. I have questions. Maybourne: Not until you sign here. In blood. Makepeace: Teal'c and Daniel suck. Carter doesn’t suck. Hammond: Don't be a pain, Makepeace. Hey, O'Neill. O'Neill: Yeah, retirement is great, but I wanna go back to whassername... "fire-rain lady"... Please? Pretty please? Hammond: Wellllllll... all right. But you'll be stuck there forever. O'Neill: Meh, details. Hammond: Well, okay then. Send-Off People: Choke, sniffle. O'Neill: Yeah, uh, see ya. Neuman: Check out our great stuff! Tobias: Hey. I'm a blonde bombshell-slash-smart chick who got bumped out of a position in the SGC by Carter and messes with swiped tech. O'Neill: Nice, uh, tank top. Maybourne: New tech hunt. Just remember, O'Neill: ethics are so last season. Tobias: Cool! Invisible-ization tech! O'Neill: Asgard? Like... our allies, the Asgard? Tobias: Yeah. O'Neill: I hide my disgust well, don't I? Oh, and, hey: I'll to the filched-tech-drop. Crooked Stargate Team: 'Kay, cool. [O'Neill hides behind some bushes as SG1 comes through the Stargate.] O'Neill: Secret... agent man, secret agent man... Gee, I wonder who my contact could be... Makepeace: All right... Carter: go look for naquadah. Jackson: go look for natives. Teal'c: go look for... something. 'Scuse while I stuff this small, nondescript bag into my jacket. Asgard: Hey! This is our stuff! O'Neill: Yep, well, they're honked off. Well, c'mon, if you'd like you avoid having the Asgard beam your internal organs into orbit. Tobias: Bail! [The Crooked Stargate Team is bagged and tagged on the other side of the gate.] O'Neill: Gotcha. Take 'em away, boys. Makepeace: 'Kay. O'Neill: Oh, and Makepeace? You suck too! So nyah! Makepeace: Nuts. I’ll just make threats as they cart me off. Threats! Threats! O'Neill: Yeah, turns out it was all a ruse. Hammond + Travell: Yep. Carter + Teal'c + Daniel: Hmmm. 'Kay. O'Neill: So, I apologize in my O'Neillian way about dissing you... all... and thanks for being concerned about me enough to visit and withstand the... what? Daniel: We, uh... didn't actually care that much. Later, man. Carter: Later. [Teal'c just walks off.] O'Neill: Way to harsh my mellow, guys... THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to clean guns and alienate friends.