Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Shadow Play" by Nan [Earth receives a transmission from those guys from Jonas' planet.] Hammond: They want to reopen diplomatic relations. O'Neill: Yeah, but they suck. Carter: Yeah, but they have naquadriah. O'Neill: D'oh. Teal'c: Hey, man. The guys from your planet are gonna be here soon. Jonas: They think I suck. Teal'c: They won't always. I don't think. Anyway, you don't suck. Hammond: Hey. Hale: Hey. Dralock: Hey. Kieran: Hey. Nan: I can't get over that these people are from Kelowna. Heh heh heh... O'Neill: Who's the scientist guy? Jonas: My old mentor, Dean Stockwell--er, Dr. Kieran. Carter: Betsy Hagopian, from the X-Files! O'Neill: Wait, one of the residents from "The Gamekeeper"? Teal'c: Oooh, speaking of the X-Files, Carter-- Carter: One more word and you die. Dralock: Um, helloo? Dralock: The other two prime powers are signing a pact. We'll be screwed, as they'll soundly whup us. We want Earth tech to beat them. O'Neill: I, for one, don't give a smeg. Carter: We are so not pulling another Euronda. It's enough that they're calling me "Oppenheimer" around the office... Dralock: Without help, we'll have to use a naquadriah bomb. How's that for blackmail? [SG-1 considers the semi-threat.] Teal'c: So? Jonas: The Kelownans are gonna be whupped. Trust me, I was on the "Is Kelowna going to be whupped?" committee. Carter: That sucks. O'Neill: And you can't be concerned about your homeworld, since you're on SG-1, now. Jonas: That sucks. Hammond: The PTBs want a suggestion. O'Neill: Pass this along: "Arms deal equals bad. Signed, Jack O'Neill, saviour of the Earth on numerous occasions." Hammond: You'd think that all that saving the Earth would give us greater credibility. [Doc Kieran comes through the gate.] Kieran: Dralock and Hale suck. Lemme see Jonas. Kieran: Hey. Jonas: Hey. Our people are lame for being so fragmented and disagreeable. Kieran: Wanna join The Resistance? We need you to help us either way. Jonas: Ack. Kieran: We could totally pull it off. Jonas: Really? Kieran: Well, we kind of have to. Hammond: Can they pull it off? Jonas: Well, they kind of have to. Hammond: Go to Kelowna with non-military technology. And, while you're at it, check out The Resistance. Dralock: Here is the Kelownan Chief Guy. Velis: Howdy, all. Carter: What's with the extra naquadriah? Velis: New mine shafts. Oodles of naquadriah. Carter: Can we say "Chernobyl," boys and girls? Velis: We want a missile defence system. Carter: How about antibiotics? Valis: Hmm... Save millions of people from infection, or blow stuff up. Naw, we want big guns. O'Neill: Take us to The Resistance. Kieran: Er... about that... they call me, I don't call them. Jonas: Aw, c'mon... You know you wanna... "Resistance Guy": About these Earth guys... Kieran: I'd advise meeting with them, because Jonas says so. "Resistance Guy": Okay, then. You look a little wiggy. [Velis' office. It's all dark and creepy.] Velis: Jonas. Have a seat. Jonas: This looks like a hangout for Cancerman. Velis: Excuse me while I ramble ominously about your potential and how dangerous the situation is. Blah blah blah, total defeat... world domination, blah blah blah... fetch Earth tech for us... Kieran is a crazy bugger... Jonas: Eh? Velis: Spy on him. He trusts you. And he's been acting wiggy. And, if you do it, you'll get a full pardon and a new car. And this lovely watch. Jonas: I think I'll leave this issue unresolved. Kieran: I feel all icky. Jonas (maybe): Chill, man. Chill... listen to the hypnotic serenity of my voice... Velis: Missile defense! Defensive purposes only. O'Neill: Defensive, my foot. Back me up here, Teal'c. Teal'c: Defensive, my foot. Carter: What they said. O'Neill: Where's Kieran? Jonas: I dunno. Carter: How about you guys stop chest-thumping and let the Earthlings step in? Velis: No. We don't wanna tell the others that the stargate exists. Carter: Why not? Velis: You didn't. O'Neill: That's beside the point... Kieran: My colleagues are disappearing. It's just me, now. You guys can help if you take over this place. O'Neill: No. We're going home. Kieran: We have naquadriah. Wanna meet The Resistance? O'Neill: Yes. We're staying here. ["Jonas" and Kieran are pursued by "armed guys." Kieran suffers a bad fall. "Jonas" vanishes.] Nan: Why am I having flashbacks to Russell Crowe in "A Beautiful Mind?" [Earth...] Fraiser: Nasty head wound. Good thing we have him. Carter: If he actually smuggled naquadriah, I could track it. [Carter and the Geiger Counter Posse track the naquadriah through Kelowna. Heh heh heh. "Kelowna". Heh heh heh...] Fraiser: The guy has advanced schizophrenia-- Nan: I knew it! I knew it! Fraiser: --but he's weirdly old to have it just setting in. Like, by about fifteen years. Hammond: : And nobody noticed in that time? Fraiser: Must be from some other source than usual. Though, granted, nobody's really sure where typical schizophrenia comes from, but that's beside the point... Carter: Hey--naquadriah. Jonas: You guys are stupid. You wanna use the bomb. Velis: Bite me. Jonas: You're all insane! O'Neill: So's your prof. Jonas: Well, that screws my moral authority right there... O'Neill: Jonas... your prof is nuts. The Resistance doesn't exist. Hale: At least three scientists on the naquadriah project went wiggy. Jonas: Nice that you tell me now. Fraiser: Naquadriah. Brain damage. Carter: Inadequate shielding. Hammond: : Nary a whisper from the Kelownans. Teal'c: Kelownans probably at war. Fraiser: Kieran's not saveable. Institution. Jonas: I'm wigging out on the inside... Kieran: I see nonexistent people. Walking around like regular people. They don't even know they're nonexistent. I don't even know they're nonexistent. Jonas: That's okay. You're going to a nice room in Happyland. Sniff. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to se nonexistent people... walking around like regular people. *Nan is dragged away by Hollywood Pictures' legal team*