Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Sight Unseen" by Jesso Hammond: What the hell is that? O'Neill: Daniel replacements became a bit tedious, so we picked up any old lamo from the street. Hammond: No, I meant the deformed wheelie bin in front of you. Quinn: I picked it up and set the crystals off. Aren't I a good boy? Can I have a bone now? Carter: Tech, tech , tech. Hammond: Right-o and no, Jonas, you can't have a bone. Quinn: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, I want my Mommy. What the hell Is that alien thingy? Carter: That's called a reflection, Jonas. Quinn: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohie, help! Hammond: Mr Quinn, you understand I'm not questioning your judgement. I'm just declaring you mentally unstable. Quinn: Are you suggesting I'm delusional? O'Neill: Duh, you finally get the hint. O'Neill: Sam, honey, come with me to do some "fishing." Carter: Jack, sweetie, not so fast. I have work to do. O'Neill: I only wanted a quick "fish," babe! Carter: Jack you know I don't mix business with pleasure. O'Neill: I hate it when you chicks play hard to get! Quinn: You don't see that? Carter: Huh? Quinn: The big, green, ugly weirdo creature that doesn't belong here? Carter: You need to get some self-esteem, man. Quinn: I guess there really is something wrong with me. Carter: Well, Jonas, someone really is thinking for himself today! Go fetch a bone. Quinn: PANT, PANT. Whooooooooooooooo-hooooo! Hammond: We are gonna remove you from duty. [5MSG community: FINALLY THE MAN SEES SOME SENSE. Go Hammond, Go Hammond, Wha wha whooooooooooo!] Quinn: I'm stuck here and I've read all the books in the library twice, so I'm gonna go and do some work. Teal'c: You can read?....Indeed. [GAS STATION: one paranoid ex-gulf fighter.] O'Neill: BANGY BOOM BANG.........oopsie daisie. Vernon: : Hey, I'm cool like you, talk to me. I served in the Gulf, maaaaan. O'Neill: Whoop die doo daah. Quinn: Babble, babble - lets see if I can Carter into thinking I'm slightly intelligent, babble, babble. Carter: You're doing a great job. You're part of the team now, don't let anyone tell you any different. Quinn: Friend??? Carter: The wheelie bin thingy is emitting a tech, tech, tech, tech... Hammond: Carter! Will you just shut........the device down? Quinn: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooh, we're removing the crystal core! Go us, go us. Give me a high five, Hammond! Hammond: No. Carter: Anyone see anything? Quinn: No! My greatest achievement yet! Hammond: What, being an annoying, orange-tanned, one-haircut-too-many freak? Canteen chick: ARGHHHHHHHHHHH! What the hell is that alien thingy? Carter: Oh damn, damn, damo. Teal'c: We have to take the wheelie bin thing back gang. Carter: Nooooooooooooooooooooo, humpf. Hammond: Isolate everyone. Carter: What's our cover story? Hammond: The reason everyone has been seeing Jonas's relatives around town is that there has been a chemical spill. Carter: Have you been watching the re-runs of "Alex Mack" again? Tut tut. [Meanwhile O'Neill is retracing the steps where he went on his little "fishing" trip, that was, by the way not near to any likeable looking fishing spots, hmmmmmmmm...] O'Neill: Here Vernie wernie puss, I've gotta Super-Size Big Mac for youuuuu... Come out, come out, wherever you are. Carter: We're hoping this will have the reverse effect, OK? Quinn: Ok, dribble, dribble. Carter: Jonas, your hand please? Quinn: Dribble, pant. Really? I've never been so close to a woman before. Carter: Oh gross! And, hopefully, you never will again. Iiiick. Vernon: How far you goin'? Trucker: Grunt, grunt. Hawthorne County. Grunt. Vernon: God help me. Mommy: Vernon's been traumatised from being in the military, not enough food. Carter: Mrs Sharpe, we've created this to help him. Mommy: Who is that foxy young man beside you, dear? Carter: Oh, god help me, that's Jonas, pain in the ars... I mean, neck, extraordinaire. Mommy: Growwwwwwwwwwwwwl. Miaow. Quinn: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrwl, you foxy beast. [Quinn and Carter leave, Carter in need of therapy and Jonas with Mrs Sharpe's number.] Teal'c: There has been a sighting, my friends. Quinn: I'm in love, Teal'c. Teal'c: Tell me again Carter, why did we hire him? Carter: There has been a sighting. O'Neill: Good job, honey. Carter: Thanks, snookums. O'Neill: You can thank me later, babe. O'Neill: Vernie, you can't get away. I can smell you. Vernon: Those monsters are everywhere! O'Neill: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa? Jonas is at base, how do you know about...... Oh, those monsters. Vernon: You're gonna kill me? O'Neill: No, but I'm gonna get you some body spray, or something. Vernon: You'll never get away with it! O'Neill: You know what? I know a guy who smells and is a freak, just like you. He's at base now but I'm sure you'd be great friends.... Vernon: But the monsters? Keep to the story! O'Neill: Oh, for Mary Poppin's sake, they are aliens, 'kay??? Vernon, your country needs you. Just play ball with us, ok? Then we can get to the end of the episode, I can get my "thanks" off Carter, and we can all go for a cast drink. Vernon: Ok, I'm not gonna take any pills though. O'Neill: Fine, let's go. Vernon: So who's this friend you want me to meet? O'Neill: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, now we're getting somewhere. THE END! Legal notices. You are number ### to see weird green bug things.