Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Summit" by Tigermoth26 Last week on Stargate SG-1... MARTOUF: Aaaaaccccckkk! SARAH: Heya Daniel, God you're sexy... wanna screw? DANIEL: Uh, well actually I'm marr - oh no, wait Sha're's dead. Okay, sure! DR. FRAISER: [playing with alien chemicals] What the... Ooh! This stuff is trippy! TANITH: I am sooooooo ominous and scary. There is a Goa'uld who is more ominous and scary than me. Be afraid! Be very afraid! SG-1: Shyeah...right. AaAAAAAaaaAAARRGH! [Roll opening theme] ZIPACNA: Yo 'Siris, Suuuup? OSIRIS: [pout, swivel, slink] ZIPACNA: Uh, yeah. So anyways, hows about an alliance? OSIRIS: [pout, swivel] How about... no! ZIPACNA: Aw, please? You served Isis... OSIRIS: Pffft! Heh, that was when I wasn't a girl. [slink, pout] ZIPACNA: Man, you are one sick puppy... You take cross dressing to a whole new level! OSIRIS: [pout, swivel, slink] But but but.... I'm supposed to be the new sex-goddess eye candy material! ZIPACNA: One word toots. "Anubis." CHEVRON GUY: Argh! Damn Damn Damn! Someone's opening the Gate again! EVERYONE: Don't worry Chevron Guy, it's probably just the Replicators, or the Asgard, or the Nox, or hell... we can open everyone else's Gate, why can't they? TOK'RA REN AU: Heyyyyy buddies! O'NEILL: Ren Au? ... what's that... an ass problem? HAMMOND: Shussssh! Don't tell him that! REN AU: So anyways, we're gonna go kill the Goa'uld. SG-1: What's new? REN AU: We want Daniel to do it. DANIEL: [gulp] TEAL'C: Uneccesary use of Daniel Jackson's entire name. DANIEL: Yep. TEAL'C: So you are going to go kill the Big Bad System Lords then? DANIEL: Yep. TEAL'C: Phew! Better you than me, hey buddy? DANIEL: Wha?! RANDOM MAJOR GUY: Ten HUT! EXTRA: Only ten huts Sir? RANDOM MAJOR GUY: I could never count past ten... EXTRA:...Oh. CARTER: Elliot! Congratulations, you're gonna be the Sacrificial Airman! ELLIOT: Joy! I'm so enthusiastic. Mjor Carter, I'm your biggest fan! O'NEILL: Watch it bucko. ELLIOT: Yessir. JACOB: Hey Sam, Jack, Sacrificial Lamb - I mean, Daniel, Irrelevant Extras... CARTER: 'Sup Dad! O'NEILL: I swear I've never touched her... EXTRAS: Hi! DANIEL: [gulp]... JACOB: So anyways Daniel, this is how you're gonna die... CARTER: Hey guys! I'm making an amusing joke! EVERYONE: ... CARTER: Jeez...tough crowd. JACOB: Yah, so I was saying, when Daniel injects the Evil System Lord with this magic potion, the Evil System Lord will believe Daniel is his most trusted Beehatch Monkey. DANIEL: Oh great, prostituted off to the nearest alien like anybody's business. OSIRIS: [pout, slink] Why do *I* have to go to the fancy dress ball? ZIPACNA: Because. Your dress is prettier than mine. OSIRIS: [swivel] you really think so? ZIPACNA: Well... it does make your ass look a little fat... OSIRIS: Hey! DANIEL: So this is my costume for the fancy dress party? JACOB: Yup. I'm going as a random Chinese guy. DANIEL: And I'm the Beehatchmonkey. JACOB: Damn straight! ALDWIN: On your left, you will see one of our famous state-of-the-art Tok'ra tunnels. SGC EXTRAS: Ooooh... ALDWIN: And on your right, another of our state of the art tunnels. SGC EXTRAS: Aaaaaah... O'NEILL: Hey extras, how's the tour? ELLIOT: I'm enthusiastic Sir! Wanna be enthusiastic too? O'NEILL: Uh, no. It would completely ruin my hard, sexy exterior. ELLIOT: Suit yourself. JACOB: OK, Danny, here's a box. Be careful not to drop it on your foot okay? DANIEL: Okay. JACOB: Right. All set then. Off you go! Oh, and Daniel? DANIEL: Yeah? JACOB: Don't run with scissors either. REN AU: Look Major Carter, Martouf is still alive! CARTER: [gasp!] He's lost weight! REN AU: He has, eh? That amniotic fluid diet really has paid off. CARTER: [drool] Oh, yeah... DANIEL: That's the guy I'm impersonating?! But...he's so... ugly! JACOB: We can't all be beautiful people now, Daniel. DANIEL: But but but! YU: Oi, BeehatchMonkey! Bring me my tea! DANIEL: Yes, master. [grovel, whimper] REN AU: Oh crap, the Goa'uld are out to get us. SG-1: So what's new? REN AU: There's no escape! Aaaargh, quick, everyone panic! FANCY DRESS PARTY DOORMAN: Who the hell are you? DANIEL: Hi! This is my Lord Yu Wang Shang Ting Tang Long Hong Fua Hui Eng Kum Eat Me The Great and Mighty. YU: Call me Yu. DOORMAN: Me? YU: No, you incompetent fool, I'm Yu! YU! Do you understand me? DOORMAN: Whatever... come in. YU: Trust No One. DANIEL: The Truth Is Out There. YU: El Anigoo Ahoot-E. DANIEL: Yah. TOK'RA: Aaaargggh! We're under attack! SG-1: Aaaaaaaarrrrggggh! SGC EXTRAS: Aaaaaaaarrrrrgggh! ALL TOGETHER: Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhh! RANDOM EXTRA: Lord Yu Wang Shang Plu Hung ***Bang*** Mi On Da Table. DANIEL: Oh look! Someone came as Bastet.... Oh! Oh, and look! There's Kali the Destroyer! Wow. YU: Great costumes, hey BeehatchMonkey? By the way, don't get murdered. DANIEL: I'll try. BAAL: Yu! Buddy! Glad you could come to my fancy dress party! YU: Yes, yes. Hi. You're looking awfully... reggae... BAAL: Oh, c'mon Yu, enough wit' da Beehatchin! Some bastard's been slapping my warships down! BASTET: Yeah... slapped right outta the sky I was! KALI: Ditto. YU: Well don't look at me... I'm from China. BAAL: Okay. TOK'RA: AAAAAAAaaaarrrrrggggh! SG-1: Aaaaaarrrrrggggh! EXTRAS: Ditto! MANSFIELD: Blow me down, I'm hit! SG-1: Bugger. Ah well, back to panicking. EVERYONE: AAAAAAARRRRGGGH! ZIPACNA: Tok'ra scum, All your base are belong to us. Wuhahahaha. TOK'RA: Aaaarrrrgh! ELLIOT: Surprise! I'm hit too! CARTER: Aw. JACOB: How's it going Daniel? DANIEL: Great! I love this Mardi-Gras! More midnight action than I've gotten in a year! JACOB: Uh... right. Well whatever you do, don't release the poison yet, there's a surprise guest coming! DANIEL: Hey... that was my line. JACOB: Shut up and go with it, Beehatchmonkey. CARTER: This extra needs medical attention. REN AU: His situation is irrelevant. CARTER: Can we use the symbiote? REN AU: The Symbiote is irrelevant. CARTER: It could save his life... REN AU: Irrelevant. CARTER: We can't just let him die... REN AU: Read my lips, Major. I-R-R-E-L-E-V-A-N-T. CARTER: Fine. YU: So if I didn't whup your asses, who did? BAAL: Not me... BASTET: [raises hand] I know! I know! EVERYONE: Hey, let's ignore what she has to say. BASTET: But but but! YU: So anyways... BASTET: It was him! RANDOM SYSTEM LORD: Who... little old me? OTHERS: Why you little! SLAVE: Sorry to interrupt this little Beehatch session, but the surprise guest has arrived. OSIRIS: [pout, swivel, slink] I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-'m comin' up, so you'd better get this par-tay started! DANIEL: Eep! BAAL: Osiris, you try hard! Glad you could make it! OSIRIS: Yes, well... [pout, swivel, pose] YU: BeehatchMonkey, my tea? DANIEL: Oh, crap... OSIRIS: Oh look, it's Daniel. I choose not to acknowledge him. DANIEL: I'm crushed... OSIRIS: So guys, I have much to offer, besides my sexy bod-eh! SYSTEM LORDS: Woohoo! TOK'RA: Yipes! The Evil Jaffa are in the 'hood! ALDWIN: I choose to die now. TEAL'C: Oh look, he died. O'NEILL: How convenient. ELLIOT: Look at me! I'm a Tok'ra! CARTER: Sweet. Colonel! Elliot's a Tok'ra. O'NEILL: Ooh. Foreshadowing! TEAL'C: Intriguing. JACOB: Daniel you spazbucket, release the poison already! DANIEL: Look, I'm only trying to make use of the hideous plot device. JACOB: Oh, okay then. You do that. DANIEL: Aw crap, Plot Device is here. Gotta go. OSIRIS: [pout, slink, pose] Daniel Jackson...if I can make you come with one finger... imagine what my whole body could do... DANIEL: Yipe! [CRAAAAASSSHHHH!!] TEAL'C: I will now proceed to state the obvious. This tunnel has collapsed. O'NEILL: Who'd have thought? CARTER: Beats me... Elliot? ELLIOT: Nope. TEAL'C: The logical conclusion would be... that we are... trapped. [BA BA BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWM!] TO BE CONTINUED Next week on Stargate SG-1: Baal breaks out the sushi, Daniel breaks out of the summit, Elliot breaks out the happy juice, pandemonium breaks out in general. Legal notices. You are number ### to get stuck with that cool memory-post-hypnotic-suggestion-ring thing. Funny fiver girl... nice hair... give her money...