Five-Minute Stargate


Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Tangent"

by Hejira

Teal'c: ZOOM! ZOOM!
O'Neill: Well, he's certainly having fun.
Teal'c: ZOOM!
Carter: Does anyone have the heart to tell him the sound guys'll add the effects?
Teal'c: RATATATATAT! BOOM!
Carter: Didn't think so.

Some General: Have you done something bad, Colonel?
O'Neill: In this timeline? Er...look up there!
Some General: Should I ignore the fact Teal'c's just destroyed more trees than the world population of termites?
Jackson: That's probably for the best.

O'Neill: Great; now we get to blow stuff up.
Teal'c: KA-BOOMIE!
O'Neill: ...Indeed.
Glider: Look, if you guys can't behave, I'm taking myself back home. And I don't mean Earth.
O'Neill: Okay. *waits, then sticks his hand under his armpit and makes farting noises*
Glider: That's it, I'm bailing.

Apophis: Listen up guys; I want my stuff back, and I want it now.
O'Neill: DamnDamnDamnDamnDamnDamnDamn! Who in hell checks to see if this guy's dead?
Teal'c: You do know that we can't live long in this thing.
O'Neill: I didn't until you said so! I mean, come on...this sucks like nothing's sucked before!

Carter: You know, if we can slingshot you guys around Jupiter this episode could easily squeeze into a half-hour timeslot.
O'Neill: What, that big, gassy thing that we passed ages ago?
Carter: Uh, that one. This time lapse thing really sucks.
O'Neill: *COUGH* *COUGH* *WHEEZE!*
Carter: ......................Nice knowing you.

Jackson: There's a Tok'ra operative that could save them.
Carter: So we ask for help. What's the worst thing that could happen?

Jacob: You're grounded!
Carter: Ah.

Teal'c: If I meditate, we might survive because I won't breathe as much.
O'Neill: And why didn't you tell me about this sooner? Go on, snooze away.
Teal'c: But I haven't said--
O'Neill: SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP!

Jacob: We've broken down.
Carter: Eh?
Jacob: We've suffered damage to the engines which can be repaired, but we've had to drop out of hyperspace.
Carter: Okay, now I follow.
Jacob: Meanwhile, Daniel will talk to the bad guys.
Jackson: Now wait a minute --
Both Carter: Can't talk - TECHing.

Goa'uld Guys: Who is it?
Jackson: I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!
Goa'uld Guys: What the - ?
Jackson: Didn't you hear me? I AM THE -
Jacob: Okay, that's enough. Let's go.

Jackson: Look - there they are.
Jacob: We've gotta wake them up.
Carter: I can take care of that. *ahem* WAKE UP!
O'Neill: Sure thing. I'm not stoned or nothin' y'know.
Carter: Listen carefully; you need to blow the hatch--
O'Neill: WHEE!
Carter: Crud.

Jacob: Alright, I've got them onboard, and they're alive.
Jackson: Does anyone want to think about the lack of facilities on the glider?
Carter: Oh dear god no.
Jackson: I thought they were alive.
Carter: They are. I just don't want to believe that their pants are as full of it as the N.I.D.

Davis: Everybody's okay!
Hammond: Except the smart guy who knocked down those reports.
The Smart Guy Who Knocked Down Those Reports: Eep.

THE END

Teal'c: Wait, it can't just end there! I have to say -
O'Neill: Do you have any idea what we could be doing outside of episodes? It could be stuff...totally boring.
Jackson: Who'd want to see stuff that's boring?
O'Neill: Quite boring. So boring Carter and I aren't wearing the latest fashions.
Jackson: We can see that. You're not even wearing past fashions or timeless constants in the wardrobe, like...ANYTHING...
Teal'c: Indeed. Ah, I'm so happy!

THE END. I MEAN IT.

All: Oh, okay.

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