Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "There But For the Grace of God" by Nan (I kinda accidentally compensated for the delay by making it longer. Call it "Nine-Minute Stargate".) :) [SG-1 exits the gate on NiftyTechWorld. Carter and Daniel find some neat stuff.] Carter: Drool. I want this! My GameBoy sucks. Daniel: Get a GameBoy Colour. Carter: Uh, those haven't come out yet. Nan: Yeh, yeh... [Daniel finds the mirror and remote.] Daniel: Well, this is out of place and deceptively plain-looking.... I think I'll screw around with it! [He gets sucked through the mirror.] [On the Other Side, Daniel is alone.] Daniel: Um, guys? Hello? Well, this can't have anything to do with the mirror thingie, so screw this, I'll go home now. I'll tell General Hammond on them. [At AltHome...] AltSoldier: Hands up or we'll splat you! Daniel: Uh, why? AltSoldier: Because we're cranky! Daniel: Uh, General Hammond, what's with the ambient hinkyness? AltHammond: Uh, I'm Colonel Hammond. Who are you, punk? Daniel: Daniel Jackson, Dr., archaeologist, integral member of SG-1, objet de lust for millions of women around the world. AltHammond: SG-1 I.D.C., eh? Daniel: Well, that lends credence to Sam's "You Get Dumb When You Hit Colonel" theory... AltHammond: Meh. AltHammond: Right, take him to the infirmary. Daniel: Uh... wait. Just have to ask: if this is an alternate universe, does that mean all the women here wear miniskirts and midriff-revealing tank tops? AltHammond: Uh, you don't know it's an alternate universe. [Daniel is put on a gurney and given the "are you a nasty Goa'uld" treatment. AltFraiser readies a scary-looking needle.] Daniel: I'm not a Goa'uld! AltFraiser: Feh. And I'm not a hot doc. AltThe Teryl Rothery Testosterone Brigade: Hah! Daniel: Alternate universes are so gritty. I need to talk to Colonel O'Neill! AltSoldier: Uh, he's general O'Neill. Daniel: That's just wr--whoa... [He passes out. AltCatherine Langford watches from nearby] [Danny-boy wakes up in a small room and pounds on the door.] Daniel: Let [thump!] me [thump!] talk [thump!] to [thump!] somone! AltCatherine: No. Daniel: Catherine! Yay! AltCatherine: 'Kay, I know who you are. How'd you get through out gate? Daniel: What, are you a colonel too? AltCatherine: So, how d'you know about all this stuff? Daniel: Er, you recruited me, so... Daniel: Lemme see Captain Carter! AltCatherine: Er, Sam Carter isn't a Captain. Daniel: What is she, a squickin' field marshall? [Daniel convinces AltCatherine to let him see AltO'Neill.] Daniel: Hey, ol' buddy ol' pal, put 'er there... AltO'Neill: Goa'uld. About. Tell. Daniel: Succint, ain't we. Daniel: We're SG-1! Me, you, Captain Carter and Teal'c! AltO'Neill: Who's Teal'c? Daniel: A Jaffa. Our buddy. Our pal. Our loyal buddy-pal. AltO'Neill: Have the nutcase removed, minion. AltMinion: 'Kay. AltCatherine: Wait! The ambient wigginess! There must be an explanation! Daniel: Er, I know about your kid, hey. And the nuclear bomb. Speaking of which, just curious: did you go to Chu'lak, the homeworld of the Jaffa and Apophis' seat of power? I'll write down the symbols... [AltCarter comes in. She's a civilian with long hair.] Daniel: Whoa.... that's just wrong. AltCarter: Pretty chick bearing bad news: the Goa'uld are kicking our forces. [AltCarter explains the situation.] AltCarter: We've been invaded by the snake heads. Daniel: Whoa. That bites. AltCarter: Yep. AltCatherine: Whatcha got in this pack? Daniel: Stuff. I touched a mirror thing on P3R-233. But I doubt that has any bearing on anything... AltCarter: We're dialing Chu'lak and readying a nuke to send through. Daniel: Freggit! AltCarter: I know, we're supposed to be sending people through to the beta site. [Daniel tries to reason with O'Neill.] Daniel: Don't send the bomb through! Innocent, ignorant, enslaved people! AltO'Neill: Over a billion humans are toast. Daniel: But humans suck! AltO'Neill: Meh. [Daniel talks to the Think Geeks.] Daniel: Carter, Catherine... AltCarter + AltCatherine: Yo? Daniel: Is it possible that the Stargate goofed and sent me here? AltCatherine: More like the mirror thing goofed and sent you here. AltCarter: "Here" being an alternate reality, or something. Daniel: That explains the "Alt" in front of everyone's name. AltCarter: Duh. [The gate is activated from off-world. Daniel finds out that AltDaniel was in Egypt, and Egypt is a pancake.] Daniel: Squick. AltCarter: Henh? Daniel: I'm dead. AltCarter: Only in fanfic. Hey, the president's plane was just splashed! That sucks. [AltAir Force One is destroyed. The pyramid ship lands on Cheyenne mountain.] AltEveryone Inside Cheyenne Mountain: Aw, heck. AltCarter: Well, we're screwed. Daniel: They just want the Stargate. AltCarter: How does that make any less screwed? Daniel: It... doesn't. AltCarter + Daniel: We're screwed. AltHammond: Jaffa on the upper levels are assembling some doohicky. Looks like a weapon. AltO'Neill: 'Kay, honey, time to amscray to the beta site. All the civilians evacuate now. AltCarter: Um... they tied up our gate. But if we stall 'em, we might have the time. AltHammond: Let's go boobytrap stuff. [AltO'Neill and his people boobytrap stuff.] [AltCatherine get's Daniel to translate an old transmission.] AltCatherine: We got it 3 months ago. It came from the same area as P3R-233. AltCarter: Yeah, we went there after we got the message but the planet was a pancake. Daniel: Frequent theme in the universe, eh? Daniel: Here we go... AltCarter: "Beware the destroyers. And their healthcare system. They come from the following coordinates..." Uh, we're missing a number-signifying-symbol thingie. Daniel: Must be on the one on P3R-233. Look, I have a tape! AltCarter: So, they were sending us a warning and the location of the invasion. Daniel: Yep. AltCatherine: But we couldn't read it without your help. Daniel: Yep. AltCarter: So, we're screwed. Daniel: Basically. AltCarter: Drat. [The connection from offworld is freed. They start dialing out to the beta site.] AltCarter: Chevron 2... chevron 3... Daniel: So, what, we have to establish an outgoing wormhole before they can establish and incoming wormhole? AltCarter: Yep. Chevron 5... nuts. We have to wait another 38 minutes. [We see AltTeal'c. He has this ponytail thing. Really creepy.] AltTeal'c: Lucy! I'm home! Daniel: I think I've figured out the point of origin, so we can decode the rest of the coordinates and locate the attack base. AltCarter: We have 25 minutes left until we can dial out again. AltHammond: We may have located the Goa'uld homeworld. AltO'Neill: 'Kay. Send a bomb through. Daniel: Hey! Daniel: No bomb! AltO'Neill: Yes bomb! Daniel: No! AltO'Neill: Yes! AltCarter: Um, we only have one shot dialing out, so if we use it to send a bomb there we won't get out. Just FYI. [Daniel's video tape, still running, shows Our SG-1.] AltCarter: So, wait, if that's your SG-1, then this is evidence on an alternate reality. Cool. AltO'Neill: Uh, wasn't that supposed to be theoretical? AltCarter: It ain't now, snookums. [AltHammond points to Teal'c.] AltHammond: Hey, who's the dude? Daniel: Good Jaffa. Big, good Jaffa. AltCatherine: Um, he's leading the invasion. Daniel: AltO'Neill hasn't brought AltTeal'c over to the Light Side yet. Anyway, lemme go and save my Earth! AltO'Neill: Uh, why? Daniel: Um, because I can. AltO'Neill: Doc? AltCarter: 22 minutes left. AltO'Neill: Well, we're screwed anyway. We'll never hold 'em off. Daniel: Um, not if you talk to AltTeal'c. AltO'Neill: Um, he'll frag us! We levelled his freakin' homeworld! Daniel: It's your choice. AltO'Neill: Well, I'm goin'. [AltCarter and AltO'Neill hug.] Daniel: Uh... AltCatherine? AltCatherine: This is an alternate universe. What do you think? Daniel: Oh. [O'Neill surrenders to Teal'c.] AltO'Neill: Hi, Teal'c. I'm the commanding officer here. Watch this video. AltTeal'c: 'Kay. [AltCarter figures out how to shave seconds off the dial time.] AltHammond: Set auto-destruct for When The Goa'uld Come Through. I intend to destroy everything and frag their parasitic-- AltCarter: 'Kay. AltO'Neill: In this other reality you hate the Goa'uld, you're a nice guy, and you sacrificed a lot, like your wife and son, for the freedom of your people! AltTeal'c: You levelled my freakin' planet! Which means you suck and I have nothing to lose! AltO'Neill: Nuts. [ZAP!] AltCatherine: AltCarter and Daniel, get to the gate room! AltCarter: Wait! The remote-y thing! You might need it, so I'll go to get it and die heroically in the process. Get going, Danny. Daniel: 'Kay. Wuv you, Catherine. AltCatherine: Well, you were cool in your world. AltGoa'uld Troops: Banzai! AltHammond + His AltMen: Ack! [AltCarter is cornered by the invading Jaffa.] AltCarter: Wait-wait-wait! I have... um... an advanced alien thingie! I'll give it to Apophis. AltJaffa Guy: Yeah? AltCarter: Once hell freezes over, as I also have this grenade. [BOOM!] AltCatherine: Oh, that sucked! [The dial-up starts.] [Daniel waits in the embarkation room.] [AltJaffa invade the room and find AltCatherine.] AltCatherine: Oh, this sucks! Daniel: That sucked! AltComputer Voice: Auto-Destruct in 1 minute. [30 seconds later.] AltComputer Voice: Auto-destruct in 30 seconds. AltTeal'c: Howdy. Daniel: Bail! [Daniel and AltTeal'c stare at each other for a sec, then Daniel bolts for the gate.] Teal'c Staff Weapon: ZAP! Daniel: He-- [He enters the gate.] [BOOM!] [He exits the gate.] Daniel: --eck, that hurts! [He staggers back ot the mirror and goes back to the original universe.] O'Neill: 'Kay, not findin' anything. Daniel: Ow... ow ow ow... ow! Carter: Wait! I recognize that sound. It's Daniel! And he's had something painful happen to him. O'Neill: How do you know? Carter: I'd recognize that sound anywhere. I've heard it enough. [They find Daniel.] O'Neill: Um, what's with the massive bleeding injury to his arm? Teal'c: Looks like a staff weapon blast. Carter: 'Kay... a piece of paper with a Stargate addy on it? O'Neill: Um, Daniel? Daniel: We're... really... screwed... THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to fall down the rabbit hole.