Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Unnatural Selection" by The One The Asgard Call O'Pipp THOR: Hey, got a spare 60 minutes? O'NEILL: Yeah, so? REPLICATORS: CLICK! CLICK! CARTER: I’m getting the heebie-jeebies... THOR: We built a time machine. Yay us. O'NEILL: FOOLS! Did you never watch "Window of Opportunity"? THOR: Don’t look at me, Freyr taped over it. We just got to the bit where you and Carter-- O'NEILL: *cough*cough* THOR: Anyway, ours works perfectly, apart from the bit where the Replicators take over the world. HAMMOND: Ok, who’s stolen the ice cream? O'NEILL: It was me, but I promise there’s a reason. HAMMOND: FOOL! That was my personal supply of Ben and Jerrys! O'NEILL: Um, ciao. O'NEILL: Let’s call it the Enterprise! CARTER: Fine, I’ll be T’Carter. Teal’c, your new name is Ralcom Meed. O'NEILL: That makes me Archer. Where’s Porthos? Here boy! JONAS: Yeah? What do you want? JONAS: Hey, this is my first time eating ice cream! O'NEILL: FOOL! I want some. [SLAP] JONAS: Hey, this is my first time being slapped in the face! TEAL’C: What about "Nightwalkers"? JONAS: How come EVERYONE knows about that? CARTER: Um... TEAL’C: Thank you for flying with Teal’c Airlines, and have a pleasant day. JONAS: Ooo! Ooo! I always wanted to be an air hostess. O'NEILL: See, even I find that joke too easy. TEAL’C: FOOL!...I mean, Indeed. CARTER: Hey, the whole planet’s made of Replicator chips. That or Mechano. CARTER: Hey, look at this neat gizmo. O'NEILL: Carter, could you please STOP playing with that Gamecube and work on the technothingy! REPLICATORS: Too late. O'NEILL: Hey, who are you? FIRST: Um, let’s think, we’re on a planet MADE of Replicators, we have little metal thingies on our jacket, and we look evil. JONAS: Mom? FIRST: FOOL! Let’s mind-meld. JONAS: Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! REPLICATOR WOMAN: Face it, this is as close as you’re ever going to get to a woman. JONAS: Unless it’s on harassment charges! FIRST: Here we are, in your subconscious. O'NEILL: Somehow, I would have expected more girls in bikinis. FIRST: FOOL! Let’s talk about your dead kid. O'NEILL: RPD! RPD! FIRST: Don’t bother; Replicators can foresee Reoccurring Plot Devices. JOLINAR: Did someone say RPD? TEAL’C: Finally, something my symbiote doesn’t protect me from; hangovers! O'NEILL: FOOL! Carter, go check out the Replicator in--I mean, go fix the thing. Yeah. CARTER: Hey, who the hell are you? FIFTH: I’m your friend. Do you want to be friends? CARTER: Hmmm...you remind me of someone, I just can’t think who. FIFTH: *PSYCHOTIC SMILE* This is the first time I’ve had a friend. O'NEILL: FOOL! The auditions for a Daniel replacement were 8 weeks ago. CARTER: MUNCH! MUNCH! O'NEILL: GOBBLE! GOBBLE! FIFTH: FOOLS! Have you never read Hansel and Gretel? They’re fattening you up! O'NEILL: You’re a Replicator who’s read Fairy Tales? CARTER: Ooo! Ooo! Pick me! FIFTH: Why? CARTER: I dunno, I might have a freakin’ PLAN! EVIL REPLICATOR BRETHREN: Uh? CARTER: Forget I said that. FOOLS! FIFTH: Welcome to my brain! SIGN: Welcome to 5MSG. Site closed. Call back soon now, campers. CARTER: Nooooooooooooo! CARTER: I have a plan. FIFTH: Yay. Can I come with you? CARTER: I see no problem with that. [WAKEY-WAKEY SG-1] CARTER: Hey everyone, the Fifth wants to help us! In exchange for a few things... FIFTH: Can I call you "Uncle Jack"? O'NEILL: Kill me, kill me now. On second thoughts, kill HIM. FIFTH: Wha? O'NEILL: FOOL! I mean--carry on. I mean--FOOL! FIFTH: Bye bye everyone! I wuv you all lots! See you all in a minute! CARTER: Just remember, I was against this from the start. O'NEILL: What, leaving him down there? CARTER: No, not leaving Jonas with him. FIRST: FOOL! They’ve escaped! Now we’ll never know what happens in Season 7 for another 60 BILLION YEARS! FIFTH: What, are we Canadian or something? REPLICATORS: CLINK! CLINK! CLIN... [TIME SLOWS] ...........................................................................................................................................K! O'NEILL: Yay us! CARTER: Technically, this hasn’t really solved the problem…. O'NEILL: Hey, how do we know that we escaped the time thing? CARTER: W....e........d.....o....n....t.... THOR: Drat. There’s only one way out of this. Someone go get Jolinar! T.........H......E..............E.......N.....D Legal notices. You are number ### to be stuck without Stargate for the next 60 billion years.