Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Unnatural Selection" by Terry Franchetti Thor: We need to borrow this ship Jack: Y'know it's an amazing coincidence that you'd turn up just as we had the ship in space and all. Thor: Yes it's true, the Asgard are the secret backers of the NID! We're behind it all. MWAAHAAHAAHAAHAA! Jonas: Is that true? Thor: No but it'll keep the 'shippers busy so they'll stop speculating about Asgard love life. Jack: A thousand years and counting? Not even Sam's gone that long. Sam: Reading the Sam/Jack/Martouf Fan Fiction is more than enough for me, sir. Jack: Well we're completely lost in space - WHOAH! Thor: We are now in Earth orbit. Jack: You did that deliberately just to make me look like a doofus. Thor: Hee, hee, hee. Thor: We are beaming up all the supplies in the SGC. Jack: Y'know you guys are Winona Ryder's heroes. Sam: Well, how did it go? Jack: They didn't go for it. (sigh) Sam: They didn't agree to call the ship 'SG1rules & Goa'uld suck'? Well duuh! Jack: (sigh) Time for some comfort food. Teal'c: You didn't suggest the name 'Teal'c rules!'? No good ice cream for you! Thor: It will be simple for you to activate the time dilation device. Plot Gods: (ahem) Thor: (sigh) I mean the dilation device is on... backwards! Jack: What, so people are like, getting younger? Thor: (sigh) It's always me who has to deal with these dumb earthlings. Boy, annoy the Plot Gods just once and you're paying forever. Plot Gods: And don't you ever forget it. Replicator ship: Man! You're the suckiest ship that ever sucked! Prometheus: (sob) You're so mean! Does this mean you're going to assimilate me? Replicator ship: And lower my coolness factor? No way! Prometheus: So I can land? Replicator ship: Sure. We like having things around that suck. Makes us look cool by comparison. Prometheus: (sob) Sam: (gasp) We've been struck by lightning! Jonas: No problem. Large aircraft have been being hit by lightning for years without it causing a problem. Plot Gods: (ahem) Jonas: Oh no! We've been struck by lightning! Who's going to wade into the carbon dioxide...  Plot Gods: (ahem) Jonas: (sigh) ...lethal gas and shut off the flow? Jack: Teal'c'll get it. Teal'c: Why me? Jack: Cos' that's what happens when you don't share the good ice cream. Teal'c: (sigh) Jack: I claim the planet 'Billiard Ball' in the name of Earth - Carter, get a picture of this. Replicator: Hey, stop poking that flagpole into me! Jack: Eeep! Fifth: Hi, I'm Mr Nice Guy. Jack: I'm Mr Be-Nasty-to-Mr-Nice-Guy. That a problem? Fifth: Not to me, I'm Mr Nice Guy. I'm nice to everyone. Plot Gods: Loser! First: MWAAAHAAHAAAHAAA! (ahem) I mean... how nice to meet you. MWAAAHAAHAAAHAAA! (ahem) Our first visitors I meant to say. Jack: Uhhh, okaaay. You do know this planet is covered with replicators right? First: Well duuhh! We're replicators. SG1: AAAARGH! FIRE, FIRE, FIRE! ...Huh? First: Hee, hee, hee. It was worth it just for the look on their faces. Oh and by the way, you guys suck even more than your ship. Jack: Oh that's it you're going down! OOOWW! First: Hee, hee, hee. Jack: Wow, we're like, in my mind. Let me be the first to say - Why is it this dark? First: Actually you're the 6 billionth human to say it... wow, I've just found your memories of Carter and what you really got up to in 4.06 Window of Opportunity. I can sell this to the 'shippers and be rich, rich, rich! Jack: You know you'll have to give the Plot Gods first dibs on those. First: No way! Those losers can get in line like everyone else. Plot Gods: That's it, he's going down! SG1: We've given the replicators everything they need to know to conquer Earth. We realise that you, the audience might now have a lowered opinion of us so... follow the watch as it swings back and to... back and to... forget... forget... Sam: Forget what? Jonas: I don't know, I forgot. Teal'c: As did I. Jack: Me too but it's been a while since our last FX shot so let's blow something up. Sam: Sir, there's nothing out there to blow up, the whole planet is completely smooth. Jack: Well if we blow up the ship, we'll make a crater right? Sam: Yes sir, it'll ruin the replicators symmetry. First will be furious you messed up his perfectly smooth planet. Jack: Bonus! Cool FX shot and we annoy that First guy! Fifth: Hi, I wanted you to be more comfortable so I carried you back here to the ship. I'm nice like that. Sam: So you picked us up off a stone floor and put us down on a metal floor? And that's supposed to be comfortable? Fifth: I said I was nice, not smart. Anyway you can't blow the ship up, I've got a Matrix-style rotating shot later and we need the budget. Besides, our coolness factor is so far ahead of yours that even blowing up the ship won't kill us. Jack: What's he doing here? Fifth: I'm reinforcing how nice I am. Oh and when you're up to it, feel free to come back for more torture.  Sam: Wow! An open invitation to torture sessions! You are nice. Fifth: Ah shucks, weren't nothing. (leaves) Jack: We'll never go back. Jonas: We have to sir, they've taken... (sob) the ice cream. Jack: We'll never go back... (grits teeth) not even for ice cream. Jonas: No sir, they've taken the good ice cream. SG1: (gasp!) Oh no! First: So the humans are back. Isn't it amazing how cool we are? Teal'c: Cool enough to store ice cream inside you? First: Err... no. Jack: So not cool enough then, eh? In your face! First: (sigh) We have got to get a DVD player instead of keeping these guys around. Sam: Wow, we're like... not in my mind. Fifth: No, we're in mine. Sam: Dark, isn't it? Fifth: What are you suggesting? Sam: Oh nothing. Hee, hee, hee. Fifth: Anyway, I brought you here so you guys could lift me above my loser status. Sam: There isn't a crane big enough to lift you that high. Fifth: Oh well, I suppose it's a short lifetime of torture for you then... Sam: We're SG1, we can take it. Fifth: ...and no good ice cream. Sam: Nooo! Alright you win, you'll get to hang out with us and share our coolness. Fifth: And my ascent towards coolness begins... Teal'c: Damn they're mean! They wouldn't let me stop off at my memories of 'Muscleman's Beach.' Jonas: Will you stop flexing? You're encouraging the 'shippers. Jack: Well I got a few repeats of killing Apophis. Cool, huh? Teal'c: Actually O'Neill, it was a single playing with no repeats. You have killed Apophis a few times. Sam: Sir, Fifth is going to save us. Jack: What's the cost? Sam: He shares our coolness with us. Jack: Damn. Oh alright, what else? Sam: He gets the good ice cream. Jack: He had to go one too far didn't he? Fifth: The dilation device is ready now. Because I'm so nice I'll turn my back while you set the timer. Jack: Carter, set the timer for (wink, wink, wink) five (wink, wink, wink) minutes. Fifth: What are you winking at? Jack: You understand Carter? (stamps foot three times) five (waves flag three times) minutes. Fifth: You're a very strange person, you know that? Sam: Yes sir, I set the timer for (cough, cough, cough) five (wink, wink, wink) minutes. Plot Gods: We got it already! Fifth: Well that wasn't suspicious in any way. I'll wait three minutes and then... what are you laughing about? Sam & Jack: Oh, wouldn't you like to know? Fifth: It could have been any species in the galaxy but noooo it had to be humans (sigh). First: The humans have betrayed you! Fifth: No! Sam promised I'd get a cool shot that would last forever. First: (sigh) There's one moron in every family... Plot Gods: Time Stop! Fifth: Wow, did you see that Matrix shot? And now a close-up! I so rule! First: (sigh) Stuck in slow-time with this moron. Okay, how about I just hand over Jacks memories to the Plot Gods? Plot Gods: Too late sucker! Never annoy the Plot Gods! Jonas: Sir, remember how we beat the audience around the head with 'we never leave a man behind'? Haven't we just like, left a man behind? Jack: Actually I meant that we never leave me behind, but hey, if you want to share the good ice cream with Fifth... Jonas: Fifth? I don't know any Fifth. Sam: Me neither. Teal'c: Nor do I. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to hog the good ice cream.