Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Upgrades" by Hejira Anise: Hello. Jack: Nice clothes. Anise: I think they're too much, personally. Anise: I brought armbands. Jack: Cool. Sam: They do stuff, too. Boost strength, speed... Jack: Woah! Anise: Wear them. Now. Jack: Hey, wait a minute. Anise: Now. Freya: Okay, you've had your fun. Colonel, can you pretty please wear them? Jack: Ah...okay. Anise: Here you go - one armband. Jack: Thanks. It's not doing anything. Anise: Just...do whatever. Teal'c: Is it wise to perform boxing while wearing something designed to give you strength and speed? Jack: Of course. It's not working. Teal'c? Teal'c: I fink I loth my teef. Anise: You're strong, Colonel. Really strong. Teal'c: I fought tho before you thaid it. Anise: Armbands? Daniel: Please. Sam: Count me in. Jack: Hmm. Book. Daniel: Right, now I'm getting jealous. Sam: I've got cool night vision. Cool. Janet: I'm freaked. Jack: I'm faster and stronger. Anise: I'm impressed. Daniel: Now I'm reading fast. I like it. Janet: They've got a virus in their systems. I want their armbands off. Anise: But - oh, okay. Jack: But - oh, okay. Daniel: Uh, they're not coming off. Sam: Gee, I'm really sorry. Janet: That was dripping with sarcasm. Sam: Oh, it was. Jack: I want to go and kick Goa'uld butt - and I'm sure Carter and Daniel feel the same way. George: I don't. Jack: Why not? George: Because you've come within a gnat's wing of knocking my office down. Jack: Hmm, not really getting into your good books, is it? George: Hell no. Siler: Whee! Jack: Nuts. Sam: I want food. Jack: Me too - just as long there's no Urgo. Daniel: No Urgo. Jack: Nice. Sam: You're looking good in leather, Daniel. Daniel: Same to you, Sam. Jack: Steaks. Sam: Pool. Daniel: Revenge of the Nerds! Janet: They're dying. George: They're stupid. Jack: We're here. Sam: We're living. Daniel: We're smart. Anise: You're needed for a Tok'ra mission. Apophis needs his butt kicked. George: You're not going anywhere. Jack: We're not happy. Sam: You know, we can kick Apophis' butt as easy as it is playing a game of Tetris. Jack: Carter? Sam: Or fishing. Just as easy as fishing. Jack: Butt-kicking time! Sam: Whee! Daniel: Yeah! Various SGC Personnel: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz... Daniel: I'll go for the naquadah, you two...bake cookies. Jack: Ah - Apophis' ship - the Cookies. Jack: And here's where we bake the Cookies. Stick the plastic on there, Carter. Sam: Stuck. Let's go. Daniel: I have the naquada...I have the... worst back pain in my life! Jack: Aww, crap. Anise: We screwed up. The armbands are going to fall off to cause a dramatic situation. Sam: How'd that hit me? Argh - the armband. Jack: I'll come back to rescue - ouch... Sam: I'm stuck. Jack: I'm going to get you out of here. Sam: And pigs will fly. Teal'c: I'm staying. Daniel: Me too. Teal'c: Why are we staying? Daniel: Beats me - it's not like they're actually baking cookies... Jack: You know, Carter, I've had a dream about you standing on a clamshell naked. Sam: Why are you telling me this? Jack: I don't see me having to tell anyone else. Cookies: Boom. Sam: Yippie - a Get Out Of Jail Free card! Jack: Dumb luck. Sam: Who's dumb? Jack: Let's move, team! Pig: Whee! Sam: It was standing on Cookies. Jack: Do you know how painful it is to spill out of the 'gate onto the ramp? George: No. Jack: Ah. That sucks. George: Not really. Anise: I'll be back. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to run full-tilt into Saran Wrap--er, a "force shield."