Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Upgrades" by Draknek 64 and Nan O'Neill: I don't trust the Tokra. Subtlety detector: See, this is why I don't show up that often. Anise: Oh, and people really want to see you. Sarcasm detector: As opposed to me, who currently appears an average of about every 0.47 episodes. Anise: I'm afraid SG-1 is obsolete. We'll have to 'upgrade' them to Windows XP. O'Neill: Upgrade yourself, jerks! Anise: We would, but we use Linux. Hammond: Can't we wait? We're still paying back the money for Windows 2000. Anise: I'm afraid not - we've got to sell as many as we can before Windows XP-Supa-dupa edition comes out. Bracelet: Welcome to the super-powers installation procedure. To procede, please enter your 26 digit confirmation code. O'Neill: Oh, rats. Anise: Don't worry, it's easy to memorise - just translate 'windowsisevil' into hex. Bracelet: Installation started. Depending on your system, this may take from a few seconds to a considerable length of time. Teal'c: Having fun? O'Neill: Loads. Bracelet: If you are humanoid, press one. If you are an evil parasitic being, press two. If your name is Teal'c and you're lying on the floor, press three. Fraiser: Roll up, roll up, test your strength! Test your strength here! O'Neill: Piece of cake. Bracelet: Which type of installation would you prefer? 1. Full installation - 10x human strength, 2. Partial installation - 5x human strength, 3. Minimal installation - 3x human strength. Daniel: Since when do you read? O'Neill: Since it stopped taking so long. I've just read Lord of the Rings in a new world record. Bracelet: We wonders, we does. Does they wants to install error messages, my preciousss...? Frasier: You can see in the dark - you haven't been bribed into wearing a catsuit have you? Carter: What is this, Star Trek? We'll blame it on the bracelets. Bracelet: If you would like to avoid side effects, please press ctrl alt backspace shift omega within 0.134 seconds. Anise: I want to test your strength again. Strengthball: OUCH!!! It says strength, not stress!! Bracelet: Installation complete. Have a nice day! Hammond: Take off the bracelets. O'Neill: Yes sir. Bracelet: Uninstall program deactivated. To complete uninstallation, please wait until you will be most vulnerable. O'Neill: How much does this weigh? Teal'c: It's an elephant. How much do you think it weighs? Bracelet: Showoff. Carter: I'm writing a book. Fraiser: What's it called? Carter: "Cool braclets and how they let you type real quick and have no side effects". Bracelet: If that's not foreshadowing, I don't know what is. O'Neill: Can we kill something? Pweeeaaase? Hammond: No. Go break Siler's arm or something. O'Neill: I'll take what I'm given. Siler: OWWW!!! Bracelet: Is he not dead yet? He's been a recurring character not in the opening titles for ages! O'Neill: I'm hungry. Daniel: I'm hungry. Carter: I'm hungry. Urgo: And which episode does -this- remind you of, kiddies? Bracelet: Silence! I'm the one messing with their brains! Daniel: How cool are we, vaulting a thirty foot fence? O'Neill: Can't talk, eating three steaks. Daniel: Do you have to eat them all at once? O'Neill: Yes. Bracelet: Hand-eye coordination upgrade completed. Continue? Y/Y Carter: Er, hate to be downer but we're harshly disobeying orders. Daniel + O'Neill: Meh. Carter: Good enough for me. Bracelet: Forethought capabilities successfully deactivated. Carter: I am Carter, the Mighty Pool Shark. Heh heh heh... Daniel: Heh heh heh. Antagonistic Pool Guy: Bite me, geekboy. Carter: Now, Danny, violence is not the answer--what am I SAYING? Daniel: Foolish Antagonistic Pool Guy! I shall now smite you for that remark! Bracelet: I haven't aided in the smiting of anyone in centuries. Ah, nostalgia. Hammond: Bar fight... drinking... smiting...? Fraiser: Blame Anise. I find it works for most things. SG-1 nuts? Blame Anise. Dead guest stars? Blame Anise. SG-1 minus Teal'c suffering multiple organ failure due to the armbands? Blame Anise. Car not working? Blame Anise. Hammond: Not that fond of her, are you? Fraiser: GameBoy batteries dead? Blame Anise! Bad hair day? Blame Anise! Hammond: You have some serious 'splaining to do! O'Neill: Carter thought of the restaurant. Carter: It was totally O'Neill's idea. Daniel: I'll hedge my bets and deflect blame to the armbands. Hammond: Oh, this is just great. Now Anise and Fraiser are going to give each other The Look for the rest of the episode. O'Neill: What's so bad about that? Hammond: We've already lost an SF who got in the crossfire. After he burst into flame, there wasn't much left to clean up. Carter: Try to stay low, sir. Anise: Who's up for an insane mission? SG-1 - Teal'c: ME ME ME! Hammond: Hey, waitaminnit... Let me guess: you knew about this the whole time and were intending to use SG-1 to blow up Apophis' shipyard? Anise: Well, I am shocked. Shocked and appalled that you would suspect me of something!  Hammond: Uh hunh. Anise: I only just found out about the shipyard... Fraiser: We have to get the armbands OFF of them. Anise: You're messing up my experiment! Fraiser: You're messing up my patients! Hammond: It burns! It burns! Hammond: You're all grounded. Bracelet: You're no fun. O'Neill: We should really pick a cool name for ourselves, being an upgraded version of most of SG-1. Carter: Can't talk, ogling the specs of Apophis' shipyard. Daniel: How about The Three Amigos? O'Neill: Lacks heroic zip. Daniel: The Fantastic Three? O'Neill: Hackneyed. Daniel: The Fellowship of the Armbands? O'Neill: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear THAT one. Carter: Hey, we can destroy the ship if we blow up the coolant pipes. Which'll be easy with these handy armbands. Only problem being those big sheets of Saran wrap in the way. Meh, I'm sure we'll manage. Bracelet: Uninstall of superpowers reactivated. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. Hammond: Hey, T-Man, wanna blow up Apophis' shipyard, despite obscenely great personal risk? Teal'c: Sure. On second thought... sure. SG-1 - Teal'c: Beat you to it. Teal'c: No fair. SG-1 - Teal'c: Vulcan neck pinch! Chevron Guy + Other Techies: Whuh? Zzzzzz... Bracelet: Neck pinch to the max, yo. SG-1 - Teal'c: We rule! Bracelet: Where have I heard that before? Carter: Hey, Jaffa Dudes carrying a smegload of naquadah. "Naquadah. It's like chocolate for reactors." Daniel: I'll get it. Bracelet: Meep meep! [ZOOM!] Daniel: Hey, Jaffa dudes! [Yoink!] Losers. Bracelet: Ten seconds to total removal of super powers. Nine... eight... Carter: Okay, cooling pipes, cooling pipes... Here we go. O'Neill: I brought one of those cool digital displays. See? Carter: "Thirty seconds to plot complication"? Bracelet: That was my line! Daniel: Who rules? I rule! Carter + O'Neill: Mmmmmmmm, naquadah... Daniel: You know what else is interesting about me? Carter + O'Neill: What? Daniel: I need a chiropractor. Ouchie. Bracelet: Uninstall complete. For further assistance, call a health professional. Seriously, call a health professional. Hammond: What do you mean, "a slight wrinkle"? Anise: Er, yeah. The armbands use a virus to uber-ize O'Neill, Carter and Daniel. And, well, they're developing an immunity. Hammond: Frell. Anise: I'm thinking that's how the entire Atoneek society collapsed. Apparently they didn't rule as much as they thought. Bracelet: Ah. That's where I've heard it before. Jaffa Guys: Hi there. O'Neill + Carter: Frell. Bracelet: Uninstall in progress. Estimated time to completion: twenty seconds. Teal'c: Hi there. Carter + O'Neill: You rock, man.  Teal'c: Indeed. Shall we, Danny? Daniel: I feel heaps of ouchie. Teal'c: Shake it off, geekboy. Cool Digital Timer: Three, two, one. BOOM! Bracelet: Four, three, two... [O'Neill and Carter zip for it. Carter collides at full speed with a forceshield. Saran wrap. Whatever.] Carter: Damn Saran wrap. O'Neill: Uh oh. Must... save... Bracelet: ...one. Uninstall complete. Have a nice day. O'Neill: ... the... day...! [WHAM!] Teal'c: Er... guys? Yoo-hoo! Guys? Daniel: Er... lemme guess. They're stuck, and we can't save them, and the ship is gonna blow up. Teal'c: Yep. Daniel: We're just gonna loiter here, then? Teal'c: Yep. Daniel: Okay then. Carter: Ow. Ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow! O'Neill: I'm sure we'll be fine. Carter: We're stuck on opposite sides of a forceshield. O'Neill: No problem. Carter: There's an imminent explosion. O'Neill: I'm sure we'll figure something out. Carter: And an impending 'shippy moment. O'Neill: Why, god, why? O'Neill: Must... free.... Carter...! Carter: Resistance is futile, man. O'Neill: Meh. Carter: Hey, here's an idea: save yourself, stupid! O'Neill: I'd really rather not, as you'll see in "Divide and Conquer." Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get all angsty and try to save you. Carter: Insert angsty look here. Reactor: BOOM! Forceshields: GAK! O'Neill + Carter: Woohoo! Meep meep. Shipyard: BOOM! SG-1: Home free! Hammond: Well, I think nearly getting killed taught you your lesson. Now go see Dr. F. SG-1: Righty. Anise: You left the armbands behind. Carter: We had other things on our minds. Like shippy moments. O'Neill: And imminent death. Don't forget imminent death. Carter: How could I. Anise: I'll be back, you know. O'Neill: Oh my, yes. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to install a buggy version of SUPRPWRS.EXE.