Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Urgo" by Nan O'Neill: It's the battle of the hackneyed adages! Daniel: And you lose. Teal'c: Indeed. O'Neill: Nuts. [Everyone looks through the MALP video feed. There's a total paradisiacal-palm-tree sunfest world on the other side.] Carter: That is the MALP telemetry. That green paradise looks just peachy for a tan--er, um... research facility. Hammond: Cool! Check it out. [SG-1 prepares to enter the gate.] O'Neill: Au revoir! A rivaderci! Ciao! Auf Wiedersehen! Sayonara! Adios! Teal'c: Eh? [They enter, and return, seemingly instantaneously.] O'Neill: Hello...! Hammond: You were gone for fifteen hours. Carter: How can that be? I'm not even tanned. O'Neill: I know. Bummer. [SG-1 experiences stimulated taste buds while drinking caffeinated goodness.] Daniel: Coffee. Carter: Good coffee. O'Neill: Very good coffee. [Teal'c downs an entire pot, as a shocked SG-1 and Hammond look on.] Teal'c: Indeed. Hammond: Possible Crisis #12653. Don't go anywhere, while I contemplate retirement. [Carter, Daniel, and Teal'c walk in on O'Neill stuffing his face with desserts.] Daniel: Pie! Carter: Good pie! O'Neill: Very good pie! Teal'c: Indeed. [Upon Fraiser discovering the tiny implants...] Fraiser: Each one of you has a thing in your head. I can't take it out without turning you all into vegetables. I have no idea how to help you, so... I'm going to go for lunch. Hammond: Maybe a beach house in Honolulu. I could wrangle that... Fraiser: Take me with you. [Urgo starts talking in their heads.] Urgo: I'm Urgo. In stereo where available. O'Neill: Kill me. Kill me now. Urgo: Sam rocks. Why are you thinking about Mary Steenburgen? O'Neill: Uh... [Carter makes a discovery.] Carter: I think we've got pirate-radio-station-wireless-network-things in our heads. Daniel: That explains why I keep seeing a log-on message every time I try to look to the left. Urgo: You've performed an illegal action. One of the eyes you are using will be closed. Anyone for a roadtrip? [O'Neill begins to flip out.] O'Neill: I can't take this! Daniel: I can't see three-dimensions for more than 20 minutes! Carter: I'm peachy. Teal'c: Indeed. Fraiser: So... whassee look like? O'Neill: Kill me. Please kill me. [Carter goes all Science-Teachery.] Urgo: What's this? Carter: A defibrillator. You shock someone's heart into normal beating rhythm-- Urgo: Teal'c, defibrillate yourself! Teal'c: 'Kay. Fraiser: Hey! Fraiser: So... he's mucking about with your impulses, imperatives and-- O'Neill: Kill me! Fraiser: How do we get him out? Urgo: Not tellin'. Carter: Urgo is there to gather data. Urgo: Got in in one, Sammykins. You'll like me eventually. O'Neill: Heavenly god, kill me! Daniel: What-- Carter: If we-- Urgo: Zip it! for your own good. Yeah, that's it. Uh... my creators suck! If you go back, you'll, um... be killed. O'Neill: Sounds good to me! [O'Neill flips out.] Carter: I believe he means, "I want Urgo out of my head now. Kill me." Sir. I think I can think up a solution, though. Hammond: We're only halfway through the episode. It can't work. Carter: Meh. Hammond: Are they nuts? Fraiser: Henh? Oh, I dunno. Probably not. Hammond: Hey! Is that a GameBoy? O'Neill: Fix it or kill me. Carter: I think I fixed it. Urgo: No! Nononono! Wrongness! Burn your hand. Carter: 'Kay. Ow! Urgo, you suck! Urgo: Sorry. Carter: Pshyeah. Anyway, I just have to blast our delicate neurons with the kind of radiation we get from the sun but need the atmosphere to protect us from. Everyone: Cool! Urgo: I can be Peter DeLuise! [Urgo transforms into Peter DeLuise (the director), and back.] Carter: I'm flipping the switch. Urgo: Bzzzzzzt! O'Neill: Free at last! Free at last! Thank god almighty, we're free at last! Carter: Pfft. Mebbe. [When SG-1 starts singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in a round.] Fraiser: Whoa, dude... Urgo: I'm back. O'Neill: Kill... me... [Urgo makes Carter go all Science-teachery.] Carter: That is a MALP. It's kinda like you, but... way different. Urgo: Yeah. Hey! Tropical paradise. Let's go. Carter: Um, that's an illusion. Like a mousetrap. Or a roach motel. Urgo: Oh. See! I told you they sucked! [After Hammond addresses him, we hear Togar's voice.] Togar: Error. Crud. I'll fix, free of charge. Want the updated version? It's an extra $60, not including taxes. *Windows Startup Sound* O'Neill: We're going! Daniel: Yep. Teal'c: Indeed. Urgo: Sammykins! I can be Peter DeLuise again! Carter: Errr.... um.... ah.... Let's go. [On the other side of the gate...] Daniel: Spontaneous Yet Plot-Forwarding thought: whaddya think Togar meant by "error"? Carter: An all-too-common occurence with this particular type of software? Daniel: Other than that. Carter: Uh, that visible-audible thing? Urgo: Don't let him kill meeeeeeee...! Carter: Hmmm... SYPF: Urgo, how do you feel right now? Urgo: Sentient. Carter + Daniel: Hmmm... [They find Togar. Togar looks exactly like Urgo, but less jolly.] Togar: I'll remove the chip, but I may have to shut you down and boot you back up again... Daniel + Carter: Don't destroy Urgo! Togar: Why? Daniel: Because you're boring and he's not. Carter: And he's sentient. There's that. Urgo: Kill me. Kill me now. Togar: Hmmm... 'kay. I'll save him and stick him in my head, even though he sucks. Urgo: Eh, you suck. [SG1 comes back through the gate.] Hammond: You've been gone ten hours. Carter: How can that be? I'm not even tanned. O'Neill: I know. Bummer. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to have Peter DeLuise's dad in your head. Aptivas suck.