Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Window of Opportunity" by Nan [SG-1 arrives P4X-639, A.K.A. Retroactusworld.] O'Neill: Retroactusworld? That's a little wordier than usual. Daniel: "Past participle of retroagere, to drive back, reverse, from retro- + agere to drive." Well, as long as this episode involves Latin... Nan: That was my thought. Carter: Merriam-Webster.com is pretty darn handy. [Carter sets up monitoring equipment. Daniel gets archaeologist-y with the carvings and stuff around the gate.] Daniel: Hey, cool! I've seen this language before! Malakai: Er... really? Well, maybe you should go and... do stuff... where it's... er... safer? Daniel: Carter has the time. And the Geiger counter. Malakai: Well... that's... er... great. [He gets a PDA-type device out of his stuff.] Daniel: Hmmm. 'Domovetus, vestol* motibilum.' Malakai: Stargatus contractem est. Nan: Te audire no possum, musa sapientum fixa est in aure. Malakai: 'Conqueror of time.' [Malakai fishes out a weapon from his stuff while Danny's back is turned.] Daniel: I think it means 'master of the uncertain past.' Nan: *cough* Duh, 'motibilum.' *cough* Malakai: Well, bully for you. I'm gonna shoot you now. Daniel: Ackpth! [ZAP!] [Malakai starts messing with the cool stone equipment. A beam interacts with the Stargate.] Nan: That can't be good. Malakai: Making a lot of direct appearances in this fiver, eh? Nan: Domina de parodia, pal. That isn't checked grammatically, but you get my point. Malakai: Jawohl, der Kommandant. Nan: Oh, man. The Language Police are so coming for me. [Carter finishes setting up the gear.] O'Neill: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. [into radio] Daniel? Daniel (over radio): ... Carter: Something funky is going on. [They find the Stargate going wiggy, and nearly get toasted by the vortex as it establishes. Carter finds Daniel unconscious.] Carter: Not another one. I thought there wasn't going to be Latrodectus mactans Syndrome in this episode! Malakai: Who da man? Nan: That would be, 'Quis-- Malakai: Never mind. [Teal'c and O'Neill get caught up in the time-wigginess. There's a bright flash...] [Gyrare. Gotta love William Whitaker's Words.] [O'Neill is sitting in the Commissary, eating Froot Loops. Daniel and Carter are nearby, eating stuff. This is definitely not Retroactusworld.] Daniel: --an orange for a head. What do you think? Carter: Er, Colonel? You've got a look on your face that takes me back to "Point of View." O'Neill: Er... Daniel: Or "There But for the Grace of God." O'Neill: The wigginess factor is way into the red, urgent bit on the dial. Carter: I think it's time we give serious thought to the "lock up any personnel who are acting even the slightest bit wiggy" protocol idea. Joe Mallozzi: Put it on my desk in the morning. O'Neill: Where'd he come from? Picard: What do you mean, 'we don't serve Earl Grey tea?' Caravaggio: What am I doing here? Nan doesn't even watch Starhunter. Dylan Hunt: Hey, hey, watch where you point the bowcaster! Chewbacca: Ruff-hoot-hoot-ruff. Nan: That zappy thing is messing with the Five Dimension. Still working out the subspace wigginess. Must fix before anyone from season 2 on of Earth: Final Conflict shows up. Liam Kincaid: Taelons are... -- pause, pout-- ... eeeeeevil. Renee Palmer: Pout. Pause. Pout. Juda: Pose. Pout. Howlyn: I have the coolest name. Nan: No! NOOOO...!! Luke Skywalker: Horning in on my racket, are we? Nan: Sorry, man. It had to be done. [O'Neill looks around. Carter and Daniel are looking at him funny.] O'Neill: What just happened? Carter: Eh? O'Neill: Carter, stop ogling the half-breed Taelon boy and pay attention. Carter: Actually, I was ogling the High Guard guy. Taelon-boy does nothing for me. Daniel: I liked Boone, personally. Nan: Me too. [Pause.] Daniel + Nan: What? O'Neill: Oy. [O'Neill and Teal'c learn they have been sent back in time 10 hours. Fraiser and some nurse are checking to see if they're both skipping without a rope.] Fraiser: I'm finding nothing. O'Neill: And it took four hours to establish this much? Fraiser: Meh. Daniel: So... gimme the five-minute version of the... five-minute version... er... [pause] ... So, what happens in the future? O'Neill: Alter thingie, scientist guy who reminded me vaguely of that Doctor on The X-Files... Daniel: Dr. Kingsley Looker in "Terma" and "Tunguska," Dr. Vance Randolph in "Our Town," or Dr. Joe Ridley in "Young at Heart"? [Pause.] Daniel: What? O'Neill: Anyway, brilliant flash, poof, we were here. Hammond: Well, I'm cancelling the mission. Anyone seen my pottery wheel? Daniel: Hey. O'Neill: Yo. [Siler crashes into Daniel by accident, sending his papers and pictures flying.] Daniel: Was there any point to fiving that scene? Nan: Not really. Heh. [Carter finds O'Neill in a scene that's also pointless to five, but entertaining nonetheless and deserving of a mention.] Carter: Flirty technobabble. O'Neill: Bluh? Nitz Walsh: Is that a copyright infringement? O'Neill: Meh. [Meanwhile, the stargate activates, the beam hits it, and everything goes hinky again.] [Gyrare! Man, that's fun to say. Heh.] Daniel: --an orange for a head. What do you think? O'Neill: Ackpth. [Briefing.] Carter: I-- O'Neill: Boring! We've done this before. SG-1 is coming back early. The winning numbers for Lucky 7 will be 23-45-46-47-16 and zero. I know all 23 herbs and spices in-- Pete Williams: That's bordering on copyright infringement. O'Neill: Meh. Hammond: [pause] Security! O'Neill: Smeg. [Siler crashes into Daniel again, sending papers flying. Heh.] [Teal'c and O'Neill meet Hammond.] Teal'c: If we delay any further-- O'Neill: I'll lose it completely! Sir. We should go back to the planet. Hammond: Hmm... 'kay. [SG-1 returns to the planet.] O'Neill: HEY! Malakai: Who? What? Me? Harmless, inconspicuous little moi? Hey, Carter, watch the radia--smeg. Daniel: Faux pas! Malakai: Ah well. [The time-distorting machine starts up and zaps the stargate.] [Gyarare! Heh.] [O'Neill is back in the commissary.] Daniel: --an orange for a head. What do you think? O'Neill: Ackpth! [O'Neill and Teal'c explain the looping.] O'Neill: Technobabble. TECH TECH... er... uh... Teal'c: TECH-TECH. O'Neill: Right. TECH-TECH TECH TECHITTY TECH-TECH. So... yeah, that's about it. Hammond: [pause] Security! O'Neill: Smeg. [Fraiser and the nurse check them out.] O'Neill: Me not crazy. Fraiser: How many times have I heard that before? [O'Neill and Teal'c find Daniel. No more Siler collisions.] Daniel: Translated a planetary history from one side of the wall thingie... O'Neill: Translate the alter. Daniel: Yeah, that'll help. It's not a GUI, you fool! It's like translating a Spanish command-line O.S.! Or... something... O'Neill: Detecting geekitude. Daniel: It's a comparison. Don't bug me, I'm out of coffee. [Sam rings up and they head out.] Carter: I say we dial out and try to connect to another planet. Hammond: Okay. [It doesn't work. The gate gets zapped by the time-machine.] Carter: Aw, smeg. O'Neill: Ta. Gyrare! Yeah, this is getting old, but I don't care yet.] Daniel: --an orange for a head. What do you think? Carter: Is he trying to drown himself in his Froot Loops? [Daniel's office...] Daniel: --Spanish command-line O.S.-- Heck, you'll just have to learn it yourselves. O'Neill: We're doomed. [Briefing room...] Carter: Well, we're screwed. We're stuck in the loop, connected to Retroactusworld. P4X-639. Whatever. It's up to O'Neill and Teal'c. Hammond: We're doomed. [O'Neill and Teal'c are studying the Latin stuff in Danny's office.] O'Neill: Kill me. Kill me now. Teal'c: Meh. It wouldn't do any good. I don't think... O'Neill: I'm sick of Froot Loops. Teal'c: I've so got you beat. [Gyrare!] [Teal'c gets whacked by a door.] Airman: Ackpth! Sorry, sir. Teal'c: Oh for the days when I could summarily execute underlings... [Gyrare!] [Danny's office...] Daniel: Babble. Teal'c: Babble-babble. Daniel: Hmmm... [Gyrare!] [Danny's office...] Daniel: Babble. O'Neill: Babble babble babble babble babble. Daniel: Hmmm... [Gyrare!] [Danny's office...] O'Neill: Slack. Daniel: Babble. [Gyrare!] [Danny's office...] O'Neill: Juggle. Daniel: Babble. [Gyrare!] [Danny's office...] O'Neill: Expert juggle. Daniel: Babble. [Gyrare!] [Danny's office...] Teal'c: Juggle. Daniel: Babble. [Gyrare!] [Danny's office...] Teal'c: Expert juggle. O'Neill: Expert juggle. Teal'c: Goof. O'Neill: Slack. Teal'c: I am so cool. Daniel: Er, guys? [Gyrare!] [Commissary...] Teal'c: What're you doing? O'Neill: Painting With Condiments while I lose my mind. Teal'c: All righty. [Meanwhile, back on the planet...] Nan: Hey, man. Malakai: Wha? Me? Nan: Aren't you Babs' uncle? Hey, Babs. Babyslime: Wow. I don't recall ever being in a fiver before. 15 + 17: Me either. Everyone at DC: Hey everybody! Nan: Eh? Everyone at DC? akire: meh, it was inevitable. i mean, this is an anniversary fiver for zekeybuns, dc was kinda the birthplace of the fiver concept... Nan: Hmmm. Ah, what the hey. Everyone From DC: Happy Second Birthday, Five-Minute Voyager! Nan: And now, back to your regularly scheduled parody. [Gyrare!] [Danny's office. O'Neill completes part of the translation, then lets Teal'c have a go.] Daniel: This is scaring me. [pause] Y'know, I wonder if you guys could do something nuts, since there would effectively be no consequen-- O'Neill + Teal'c: [pause] Er... bye! Daniel: Maybe that wasn't such a good idea. [Gyrare!] [O'Neill throws (models) a pot on a pottery wheel. It collapses.] [Gyrare!] [O'Neill cycles through the corridors on a bike.] [Gyrare!] [O'Neill and Teal'c hitting drives through the gate, dressed in full golfing gear.] [Gyrare!] [O'Neill throws a pot that looks pretty good.] [Gyrare!] [More golf. Hammond shows.] Hammond: Hey! O'Neill: Chill man. I'm swinging, here. [Gyrare!] [Teal'c takes a door in the face, then closes it on the unfortunate airman.] [Gyrare!] [O'Neill resigns with minutes to go and plants one on Carter.] Shippers: [sigh] Nan: Aw, man. [Gyrare!] [O'Neill, in the commissary, gets a goofy look while staring at Carter.] Carter: What's with the dreamy, vacant stare? O'Neill: The obvious follow-up to last week and the Chair of Truth... Carter: What does that mean? Nan: I don't think you wanna know at this point in the series. [Briefing room. Daniel has solved their dilemma. Sorta.] Daniel: The doohickey was created to goof with space-time to prevent a disaster. It never worked, and it's moofing time on Earth and a bunch of other planets. Hammond: So... we can fix it, right? Daniel: Well, -- O'Neill: YES! YES! THANK ZARQUON, YES! Daniel: --uh, yeah. [Back to the planet...] O'Neill: Atmospheric hinkyness. As far as time goes on this planet, less is more... [pause] Wow, accurate in so many ways. Teal'c: Indeed. Carter: This is scaring me. Daniel: I know the feeling. [They look for Malakai. Teal'c accidentally walks into a forcefield and gets zapped but good. Ouch, man.] O'Neill: Hey! Malakai! Er... Ollie ollie oxen-free! Malakai: Like that's gonna--aw, smeg. O'Neill: Okay, stop messing with time. It's really starting to bug me. In a big way. Nan: And me. Subspace manipulation, man... I've got way the heck too many copyright issues to deal with! Malakai: I wanna see my wife again. O'Neill: Well, you can't. Deal. Malakai: But... well, okay. [They return.] Hammond: Well? O'Neill: Who rules? We rule! [Commissary...] O'Neill: Oatmeal... oatmeal good... Froot Loops bad! Daniel: You do anything crazy while you were looping? O'Neill: Well... [pause] That is a gooooood question, Daniel. [Pause.] Daniel: Are you avoiding the question? O'Neill: That is also a good question. THE END *Note: Not sure on spelling. Legal notices. You are number ### to get "Groundhog Day" Syndrome.