Five-Minute "Charlie X"
by Derek Dean
Captain Ramart: Captain Kirk, meet Charles Evans. Now if you'll excuse us, we have to go.
Kirk: Sure you don't need anything? Supplies? Salt tablets?
Ramart: All we need is to run away from him, screaming like madmen.
Kirk: Okay. Buh-bye.
Charlie: Is that a girl?
Kirk: No, those are the transporter controls. This is your first time around other people, isn't it?
Charlie: Why does the Captain call me Mr. Evans?
McCoy: Because it's your name. Why? What'd the crew of the Antares call you?
Charlie: They always called me "Anakin."
Charlie: I'm attracted to you.
Rand: Aren't you extroverted! To think I'm your first crush.
Charlie: Can I come to your quarters with some whips and chains?
Rand: Did I say extroverted? I meant perverted.
Uhura: (singing) Charlie X, Charlie X, for you that name might vex. But be glad indeed your name's not Malcolm Reed or you'd be called Malcolm X. Ack!
Charlie: I find your lack of good lyrics disturbing.
Rand: Hey Charlie, why don't you get attracted to this girl?
Charlie: She's like sand. I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything's soft... and smooth....
Rand: Sigh. Is there going to be a Star Wars reference in every scene?
Ramart: (over the comm) Kirk, I wanted to warn you about Charlie X. He's a Q! GAK!
Kirk: What's a "Q"?
Spock: It's a letter of the alphabet as far as I know.
Charlie: Can I play chess?
Spock: Sure. I need to smack someone down to feel better about myself after losing to the Captain.
Charlie: Okay. Queen to Queen's Level 3.
Spock: If you don't control your temper, you will soon become its pawn.
Charlie: What would you have me do? Confess to a bishop?
Spock: I know I started the chess puns, but I think it's time to end them. Good knight.
Kirk: All right, Charlie, let's fight.
Charlie: I will not fight you.
Kirk: You are unwise to lower your defenses.
Redshirt: Shouldn't those lines be switched? I thought we were trying for a Charlie-Vader parallel, not a Kirk-Vader one.
Charlie: Shut up!
Redshirt: GAK! (disappears)
Kirk: Charlie's becoming a menace; although fairly illusory now, it could become worse later. How do we stop him?
Spock: We should look for his power source and destroy it!
McCoy: I think you're thinking of later episodes, Spock.
Spock: We should summon his angel friend and expose him?
Kirk: Please don't even mention that episode.
Charlie: You wanted to see me?
Kirk: Did you destroy the Antares?
Charlie: Yes. I killed them. I killed them all.
McCoy: I don't think the menace is phantom anymore, Jim.
Charlie: Hi, Rand! Mind if I shorten your name from Janice to Ayn?
Rand: Yes, get out of my quarters, freak!
Charlie: But from the moment I met you, a day hasn't gone by --
Rand: Argh! Enough with the Star Wars quotes already! Get out!
Charlie: Hi everyone. I've decided to take over the ship.
Spock: I can't believe my ears!
Charlie: I can't believe your ears either.
Kirk: That's it. It's throw-down time.
Charlie: Now we fight again. When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master.
Kirk: Only a master of evil, Charlie.
Thasian: Sorry to interrupt, but we've come for the boy.
Spock: Thank you! Maybe now the Star Wars jokes will stop.
Charlie: I don't want to go with them. I want to stay here!
Kirk: Charlie's no angel, but he should be with his own kind.
Thasian: Sorry, no can do. If we left him here, he would become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
Spock: Ack! Not you too! Just take the boy and leave!
Charlie: Will I ever see you again?
Kirk: What does your heart tell you?
Charlie: Pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat. Just like everyone else's.
Kirk: I'd take that as a "no" then.
(The Thasian ship travels through hyperspace at Ludicrous Speed.)
Previous fiver: The Man Trap
Next fiver: The Naked Time
Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Derek Dean.
___ Five-Minute Star Trek
___ ___ Season 1
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Charlie X"
DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.
All material © 2002, Derek Dean.