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Five-Minute "Friday's Child"

by Scooter

McCoy: Jim, I want you to listen to me very carefully. When we arrive on Capella IV --
Kirk: Where?
McCoy: Put down that yeoman and pay attention. On this planet, you're not allowed to touch the women.
Kirk: That's great, Bones. Say, where'd that yeoman go?
McCoy: I have a bad feeling about this.

Maab: What do you want?
Kirk: Hi. We're here for your mining rights. And your women, but the mining rights will do for now.
Redshirt: A Klingon! Kill! Kill!
Random Capellan: Okay.
Redshirt: Not me, you id-- GAK!

Kras: We should have the mining rights because we Klingons are like you.
Akaar: In what way?
Kras: We don't touch our women, either.
Kirk: Nonsense. You want to go with the Federation, because we "never" lie.
Akaar: In that case I trust you. I hereby award the mining rights --
Maab: For failing to notice those quote marks you deserve to die!
Akaar: GAK!

Maab: I'm in charge now. And I don't like you.
Kirk: Sucks to be us, again.
Eleen: Isn't anyone going to help me out of the fire?
Kirk: Sure, take my hand --
Eleen: How dare you! Ick! Man-cooties.
Maab: For the crime of touching women, you must die.
Kirk: Now I understand why the guys here are all wearing lavender Spandex.

Voice: (over the comm) Enterprise, help! We're being attacked by the rwbsheenen!
Scott: The what?
Voice: The brbalemmn! Vicious, saber-toothed, slavering hhrblshven!
Scott: I can't quite tell what you're saying, but it sure sounds serious. Sulu, set a course for those mumbles!

McCoy: Let me check you over. I mean, examine you.
Eleen: You I will let touch me, because you're ugly and asexual, like a postmenopausal woman.
McCoy: Thanks. Well, you seem all right. In fact, you have the reflexes of a catwoman.

Sulu: There's no one here.
Scott: Strange. I hope the hhrblshven didn't get them.

Spock: Our escape has bought us some time, but the Capellans will soon be after us. I suggest --
Kirk: Wait. Spock, were you here all this time?
Spock: Just because I haven't had a line in this fiver --!
McCoy: Hello? Hauling a pregnant woman up a cliff here.
Kirk: I wouldn't dream of getting in your way.

Spock: (ahem) As I was saying. I propose we trap ourselves in this narrow canyon, sealing off one end so we'll be bottled in when the Capellans come around the other side.
Kirk: Good idea. Let's create a rockfall using vibrations from our communicators -- that way we damage our eardrums and our pursuers will know exactly where we are.
Eleen: I was better off with the Klingons.

McCoy: Eleen's going into labor.
Kirk: Good luck with that. Spock, come help me, um --
Spock: Make spectacularly unconvincing bows and arrows?
Kirk: Sure, anything.

McCoy: Here's your baby.
Eleen: It's ugly, let's kill it.
McCoy: Ugly people have rights too.
Eleen: Sorry, did I hurt your feelings?
McCoy: That's not --
Eleen: Very well, you may keep it.
McCoy: Wait, I didn't --
Eleen: Now I must smack you over the head with a rock so I can go tell Maab where you are.
McCoy: Now just a -- (CRACK!)
Eleen: Men. Always interrupting.

Voice: (over the comm) Help! Enterprise! The grfammffl are going to get us!
Scott: I'm not falling for that twice.
Klingon Warship: Fine.
Scott: Crap. Er, what were you saying about grfammffl?

Maab: Where have you been?
Eleen: Killing all the humans.
Kras: Oh yeah? I want to see Kirk's body.
Random Capellan: Get in line, girlfriend.

Kirk: Hey, Capellans! The things we're shooting you with are called bows and arrows.
Kras: Pfft, that's nothing. The thing I'm shooting you with is called a phaser!
Maab: GAK!
Capellans: Grrrr.
Kras: Oops.

Eleen: My baby is now the Teer, so I guess I'll keep him. You must all adore him as your ruler.
Capellans: We love to love you, baby.
Kirk: Now about that mining treaty --
Eleen: Well, we killed the Klingon, so we're stuck with you. Will you keep your word not to lie to us?
Kirk: "Yes."

Kirk: Mr. Sulu, set a course for any planet where woman-touching is allowed.
Sulu: I'll consult my list, sir.
Spock: So she named the child Leonard James Akeer? How revolting.
McCoy: Well, it would've been cruel to name him Spock Akeer.
Kirk: Sure, the other kids would have thought he had a stutter.
(Spock fumes at Kirk and McCoy's smugness at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 19, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Mark Wilson.