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Five-Minute "Star Trek: The Motion Picture"

by Zeke

Klingons: Oh, crap.

Commander: Klingons saying "Oh crap".... probably a good sign.
Lieutenant: The thing they're fighting is heading straight for Earth.
Commander: Oh, crap.

Female Vulcan Master: I don't know if you're logical enough yet.
Spock: I'm logical! I'm logical! Watch: if A implies B and B implies C, and either A or B is true, then C is true. Probably.
Female Vulcan Master: Maybe what you need is a vacation. Go visit Kirk for a while.
Spock: You're going to lock the door behind me, aren't you?
Female Vulcan Master: And throw away all copies of the key.

Scotty: Ready to come aboard our horribly unprepared ship yet, Admiral?
Kirk: Why do we have to take a shuttle? Is something wrong with the transporters?
Scotty: Oh, you'll find out. Mwahahaha! Anyway, that and we want to drift by the ship for like ten hours admiring it.
Kirk: I thought it was horribly unprepared.
Scotty: It's still pretty.

Sulu: Captain on the bridge!
Kirk: Admiral.
Sulu: Oh, like it really matters when we're all wearing these one-piece pyjama things. Anyway, glad you're here, yadda yadda, told Decker yet? I want to see his face when he gets the news.
Kirk: I'll make sure we're in front of the security cameras. Hello to you too, Uhura.
Uhura: What? Sorry, I was listening to Swahili bluegrass.
Kirk: Nice to know some things haven't changed.

Decker: You're WHAT?
Kirk: Shoot, you're at the wrong angle. Can you do that again, but facing this way?
Decker: I can't believe this! I've been working on this ship all the live long day, and now you're getting it!
Kirk: Well, we had to consider various factors, such as the fact that an unstoppable juggernaut of destruction is approaching Earth, and the fact that I wanted it so nyaa nyaa.

Rand: Energizing now. EWWWWW!
Kirk: You're fired. And so is that thing on the transporter pad.
That Thing on the Transporter Pad: Unfair! Discrimination, I say!

Kirk: And that's all we know about the gigantic monstrosity that's hurtling towards Earth.
Officer in Audience: I think we need an example to prove how serious it is.
Kirk: Acknowledged. Kirk to that space station we saw earlier....
Commander: (over the comm) Yes, sir? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Oh, the humanity!
Kirk: Satisfied?
Officer: I guess.

Uhura: Scotty reports that the transporters are working again.
Kirk: How does he know?
Scotty: (over the comm) I was trying to beam up Nurse Chapel and look what I got instead! Ay caramba, baby!
Kirk: Um... that's probably Ilia. Send her up here.
Ilia: Greetings.
Sulu: Permission to say "hubba" multiple times, Admiral?
Kirk: Granted, Lieutenant. Granted.

McCoy: I can't believe you did this!
Kirk: What, drafting you? What's the big deal?
McCoy: I can't say "I'm a doctor, not a draftee" anymore! Dammit, you green-blooded Vulcan, I --
Kirk: You were supposed to be learning some new catch phrases during your off-duty years.

Kirk: Communications?
Uhura: Ready.
Kirk: Shields?
Decker: Ready, you bastard.
Kirk: Helm and bad accents?
Chekov: Ready.
Kirk: Tractor beam?
Sulu: Doesn't arrive till Tuesday.
Kirk: Mr. Chekov... take us out. Very, very, very slowly.

Ilia: I'm glad our prior relationship won't be causing us problems. Stop staring at my chest.
Decker: Right. Hey, did we skip something? I thought this scene came later.
Ilia: There was a whole stupid thing with you and Kirk fighting over an asteroid, but it doesn't really matter.
Decker: Why is any scene we don't understand called a "thing"?

McCoy: You have to let go of your obsession with this ship, Jim.
Kirk: I'm glad you said "Jim" there, because otherwise it might as well have been Troi talking to Barclay.
McCoy: See, that's what I'm talking about. The obsession is making you delusional.
Chekov: (over the comm) Captain, there's a --
Kirk: Where's your accent? Shape up, man!
Chekov: Very well. (sigh) Keptin, theer is a wessel comink in.
Kirk: Ahhhhhhhh. That's the stuff.

Spock: Permission to come aboard?
McCoy: Denied, you green-blooded --
Kirk: McCoy, you idiot, he's already aboard!
McCoy: Wait a minute. Then why is he asking?
Kirk: And what are you doing here?
Spock: To both questions, I reply "I failed the test of Kolinahr." To Doctor McCoy, I add "Get a new catch phrase."
McCoy: Grumble.

Sulu: We're approaching the cloud now.
Kirk: Put it on screen.
Sulu: It is on screen.
Kirk: Where? I don't see it. Oh wait, that's the screen.
Decker: I kept telling him he didn't know the new ship well enough, but did he listen?

Spock: I'm sensing something...
Kirk: Are you sure what?
Spock: No. But it seems to be emanating from the cloud, which is clearly a source of perfect logic.
McCoy: What kind of logic did you use to arrive at that conclusion?
Spock: You see the problem.

Uhura: They're firing! At Chekov's console!
Chekov: What the --
Kirk: That's gotta hurt. Now let's go inside the cloud.
Sulu: Are you kidding? It just fired at us!
Kirk: Hold your course, Lieutenant! There's coffee in that nebula.

Spock: Fascinating.
McCoy: It was fascinating 35 minutes ago. Now it's getting kind of old.
Kirk: Calm down, Bones. I'm sure this is building up to something.
Ilia (V'Ger): Indeed, carbon-based module.
Decker: Good God! The cloud has taken over Ilia's body before I had the chance to!
Ilia (V'Ger): "The cloud" has a name, you know. And feelings. You're hurting the latter by not using the former.
Kirk: All right, what's its name?
Ilia (V'Ger): And a gender! It resents the term "it"! Which I, um, just used... never mind. The cloud is V'Ger.
Sulu: Voyager?
Ilia (V'Ger): V'Ger! Are you deaf? And it contains no coffee whatsoever!
Kirk: Aw.

Ilia (V'Ger): V'Ger seeks the Creator.
Kirk: Oo, I know this. I did one of these before. I'm the Creator, right?
Ilia (V'Ger): You wish. V'Ger wishes to become one with the Creator.
Decker: In a completely non-sexual way, right?
Ilia (V'Ger): Shut up!

Captain's Log: The situation is grim. The only hot babe on the ship has been converted to some kind of robot thing, and we've only been able to detect decaf in the cloud so far.

Decker: Here are pictures of all the ships that have been called Enterprise.
Ilia (V'Ger): Shouldn't the NX-01 be --
Decker: ALL the ships that have been called Enterprise!

Sulu: (over the comm) Sir, Mr. Spock has left the ship.
Kirk: That's interesting. I wonder -- wait a minute. He left the ship?
Sulu: Yes, sir. In a spacesuit.
Kirk: Ohhhhh. Well, that's all right, then.

Spock: My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts.
V'Ger: This always gives me a headache.

Kirk: Did you learn anything from the meld, Spock?
McCoy: He'd better have. It took another 35 minutes.
Spock: V'Ger is a sort of infinite Vulcan. It's completely devoid of emotion, humour, aural roundness....
McCoy: What colour is its blood?
Spock: And it thinks the Enterprise is like that too.
Kirk: It thinks our ship is a living ship?
Spock: Full of strange alien lifeforms, yes. Now we need to stop it before its identity crisis destroys Earth.
Kirk: Wait, you mean it's a teenager?

Uhura: Admiral, V'Ger has reached Earth.
Kirk: Wow. I didn't think it would do that before the final season.
Chekov: V'Ger is powering weapons!
Kirk: Ahem.
Chekov: Sigh. W'Ger is poverink veapons.
Sulu: Sir, I think I know what's going on here. V'Ger thinks the ship is like itself and we're infesting it -- what if it thinks the same about Earth? Then it'll want to eliminate the inf--
Kirk: Lieutenant, this is all well and good, but you know I'm not allowed to listen. Remember regulation 42-A?
Sulu: "No junior officer may solve the central question of a storyline." I'm sorry, sir.
Decker: It's okay. I heard you, so I'll just repeat it myself.

Spock: I believe we can communicate with V'Ger, but we must think of it as a child.
Kirk: Hey V'Ger, I know something you don't know.
Ilia (V'Ger): Explain.
Kirk: Okay, but you have to promise not to shoot Earth.
Ilia (V'Ger): But I want to shoot Earth.
Kirk: Then I won't tell. Nyaa nyaa.
Ilia (V'Ger): (sigh) State your proposal.
Decker: Ilia/V'Ger, will you marry me?
Ilia (V'Ger): Not that kind!

Kirk: Scotty, if this thing we're doing with V'Ger doesn't work out, you'll have to execute that special order that we agreed not to mention in V'Ger's earshot.
Scotty: (over the comm) You mean the auto-destruct?
Kirk: This is Kirk to all officers in Engineering. Prepare to destroy Commander Scott.

Sulu: We've come to a stop. And there's a breathable atmosphere forming outside the ship. Oh, please.
Kirk: You're not getting paid for commentary. Spock, Decker, let's go outside without space suits to talk to V'Ger.
McCoy: Can I come? I'd love to get a blood sample.
Spock: You just want to see if it's green.
McCoy: I knew the transparent hypospray would give it away.

Ilia (V'Ger): Behold the centre of V'Ger.
Kirk: Good Lord... it's one of the old space probes! V'Ger must mean Voyager!
Decker: Or Villager.
McCoy: Or Vinegar.
Kirk: Shut up! It has to be Voyager, because that explains the whole Earth/Creator thing.
Spock: And Vinegar would be V'Gar.
McCoy: Don't make me grumble at you.

Spock: I believe V'Ger requires a human to merge with.
Kirk: Doesn't make much sense, but this is taking forever, so I'll agree. Any volunteers?
Decker: Oh, no way! Nobody gets to merge with Ilia but me!
Kirk: Knock yourself out. We needed to ditch the leftover Star Trek: Phase II characters anyway.

Ilia (V'Ger): Are you the Creator?
Decker: Sure, baby, whatever you say. Let's get it on!

Kirk: I think we may finally be done now.
McCoy: Wow... I never thought a mission could be this long with so little actually happening.
Spock: Ahem. "Spock's Brain."
McCoy: Lots happened there!
Spock: Not that I recall.
Kirk: That's because your brain was outside your body at the time. Anyway, let's just go back to the ship.
Kirk: Where's the ship?
Spock: Admiral, did you remember to cancel the autodestruct order?
Kirk: Um....
(The Enterprise warps off, eventually, once they find it, at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 22, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Zeke.