Five-Minute "The Cloud Minders"

Captain's Log: A mysterious disease is ravaging the quadrant. How it successfully traversed the vacuum of space is anyone's guess.

Uhura: The High Advisor of Ardana has requested you beam down to the cloud city below.
Kirk: We will therefore beam down to the entrance of the mines on the surface.
Spock: Why do you not trust Advisor Plasus' coordinates?
Kirk: I knew the guy once. He was a scoundrel.

Spock: It appears that the shipment of zienite has not arrived on schedule.
Kirk: I could tell by the lack of zienite and Troglodyte miners.
Vanna: Grr! That's Troglyte!
Kirk: Ah, a diet caveman.
Vanna: That's it, we're capturing you.
(Plasus and two guards beam down and chase away the Troglytes)
Plasus: Don't mind those rebel scum. They took your zienite shipment. Logically, we should beam you aboard Stratos.
Spock: Um....
Kirk: Good thinking, Advisor.
Spock: What were you saying earlier about scou--
Kirk: Not now, Spock.

Droxine: Hi, I'm the typically hot daughter of the typical old planetary official.
Spock: I must say, your beauty is unparalleled. Truly you belong here among the clouds....
Droxine: (giggle)
Kirk: Um....
Plasus: (ahem) Here you'll see some beautiful art forms which ACK!
Kirk: I don't see any ACKing art forms.
Spock: Well that one has a knife sticking out of it.
Plasus: Hence the "ACK!"
Kirk: Oh, you meant that piece. I was looking at the Pollock.

Troglyte: Help! Police brutality!
Plasus: Where are your papers?
Troglyte: Um....
Plasus: Where were you on the night of April the 7th?
Troglyte: Er....
Plasus: Show us on the doll where they touched you!
Troglyte: You'll never take me aliiiiiive!
(The Troglyte jumps off the balcony)
Plasus: Blast! Our interrogation techniques aren't working!

Vanna: Die!
Kirk: Is that a knife?
Vanna: ....yeah.
Kirk: Cool! I'm into S&M too!
Vanna: No, no. I'm trying to kill you--
Kirk: Wait one second -- I'll get my handcuffs.
Vanna: Arg....

Droxine: I notice you have pointy ears. Rowr! I love a man with... jutting... features.
Spock: My auditory membranes are capable of detecting a far broader range of sound frequency than yours.
Droxine: Riiight. Say, it's getting hot in here. Why don't we lose a few clothes and slip under the sheets?
Spock: The temperature in this vicinity is perfectly acceptable for myself. You are welcome to do so on your own, but might I remind you that the sheet's ability to retain heat would likely be greater than that of your skimpy outfit. Doubly so with two heat sources.
Droxine: Huh?
Spock: Bodies.
Droxine: Oh, right. So you wouldn't be interested in dropping a few calories? If you know what I mean....
Kirk: (rushing into the room) Spock! Where are my handcuffs? That Troglyte woman is really itching for some action!
Spock: Troglyte? We need to interrogate her!
Kirk: Oh, but I was going to. In a perfectly non-information gathering way.
Droxine: Spock, we were talking!
Spock: Not now Princess, we've got more urgent matters at hand.
Droxine: (sigh)

Spock: So let me get this straight. The troglytes desire only equality?
Vanna: That's right.
Kirk: No, no. S&M has nothing to do with equality....
Spock: (ignoring Kirk) Then why are you withholding the zienite shipment? We're not here to oppress you.
Kirk: Yeah! We're here to undress you!
Droxine: I wanna be undressed....
Vanna: Do I have to listen to all this? I think you should just send me to the interrogation obelisk and get it over with.
Droxine: Oh please, you're just a Troglyte; what do you know about thinking? I say we just send her to the interrogation obelisk.
Kirk: Sounds kinky.
Droxine: Quiet, you.

Kirk: Hey, what are you doing to my honey?
Plasus: Isn't it cool? It's some sort of ray-thingie that makes her turn colours.
Vanna: AAAAA!
Plasus: Oh yes, I forgot to mention the screaming.
Spock: Torture is not logical, nor is it allowed within the Federation.
Plasus: Neither is killing you, but you don't see us not doing that, huh?
Spock: Actually --
Plasus: You see, torture is a gateway crime. Once you start, you become evil and you make stupid threats that don't really make any sense.
Kirk: I'm bored. Kirk to Enterprise: two to beam up.
Spock: But --

Captain's Log: Spock says we need to be down there making peace between the cave dwellers and the cloud citizens, but I've become sufficiently distracted not to care.
Television: "I hate being from Uranus! I'm the butt of every joke."
Heheheh. Silly Bova.

McCoy: Captain, I found something.
Kirk: Not now, Bones.
McCoy: I studied a sample of zienite, and discovered that the mineral emits harmful radiation which retards the brain.
Kirk: Huh?
McCoy: It makes you stupider.
Kirk: Huh?
McCoy: Me smart. You grow dumb.
Kirk: Ah, gotcha.

McCoy: you see, by using these stylish filter masks the Troglytes will be smarter and cooler.
Plasus: (on screen) That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. I won't allow you to pass them out.
Kirk: Even if we include them in "Vote for Plasus" baggies, with badges and stickers and miniature lawn signs?
Plasus: Ooooo.
Spock: But "high advisor" isn't an elected position....
Plasus: Oh yeah. Then no. Viewscreen off.
Kirk: Real smart, Spock. Real smart.
Spock: Can't I blame the zienite like you?
Kirk: The what?
Spock: The "magic hurty stuff"
Kirk: Oh, that. No.

Kirk: I've beamed to your cell to tell you about these masks.
Vanna: Ooo. Will they make us smarter?
Kirk: Yep. Unless you're Jim Carrey.
Vanna: If you break me out of prison, I'll take you to the zienite shipment.
Kirk: By "zienite shipment", would you by chance mean "chamber of love"?
Vanna: If I say "yes", will you break me out of prison?
Kirk: YES! You said yes!
Vanna: Er... right, let's go.

Midro: Hail Vanna!
Vanna: Boys, I brought you a prisoner.
Kirk: Huh? Look, I wasn't expecting any other guys....
Vanna: You idiot, you really thought I believed that "mask" crap? Now get on all fours and mine this zienite.
Kirk: Ooo, kinky!
Vanna: And don't enjoy it!
Kirk: Aw.

Kirk: Pssst. Come closer and whisper something sexy in my ear.
Vanna: You know, ruses usually work better when they're actually enticing.
Kirk: What's a ruse?
Vanna: Shut up and work, or I'll-- Hey!
Kirk: Got your phaser!
Vanna: That's your phaser.
Kirk: What's a phaser?

Kirk: Zap!
Ceiling: BOOM!
Vanna: Real smart. You collapsed the only exit.
Kirk: Kirk to Spock, beam Plasus directly to this cave.
Spock: (over the comm) Brilliant! He and Vanna will be forced to negotiate!
Kirk: Crap, did I say Plasus? I meant Droxine. Ah well, there goes that fantasy....

Plasus: Captain, I demand you send me back!
Kirk: That's not possibloog.
Plasus: Oog? Oog! Oog! (punch)
Kirk: Oog. Oooooog! (punch)
Vanna: Vanna to Enterprise, the zienite is taking oog! Oog oog!

Captain's Log: Even though I didn't make a log entry right here, it's really the only way to conveniently say that the effects of the zienite gas wore off. Eventualloog.

Vanna: Here's the zienite, Captain. Thanks for give us free.
Kirk: Any time, Cinqué.
Plasus: I object, simply on the basis of me still being staunchy and uptight.
Droxine: C'mon Dad, don't be such a square. Now Spock, can't we get back to our subplot?
Spock: Negative. We've gotta deliver the zienite to cure that mysterious disease barely mentioned at the beginning.
Kirk: Right, that.
Spock: So are we on par for a happy ending now, or what?
Vanna: No.
Plasus: No.
Kirk: A what?
Spock: An "Episode make feel good"?
Kirk: Oh. Let's just screw it this time.
Droxine: (sob)
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on May 30, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, IJD GAF.