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Five-Minute "The Conscience of the King"

by Zeke

Leighton: I didn't call you here for the reason I said I did, Jim. Watch the actor playing Macbeth....
Karidian: All Neptune's great ocean, wash this blood clean from my hands! How is't with me, when every noise appalls me?
Leighton: Do you see what I mean?
Kirk: Good Lord -- you're right. He's got the lines all wrong!

Captain's Log: Dr. Leighton has some cockamamie theory about an actor being Kodos the Executioner. Frankly, I think he's out of his --
Martha: (ahem)
Kirk: Sorry, I'll record this later. Tom, what Kodos did was atrocious, but he's dead. We need to focus on present problems, like how I'm going to explain this trip to Command now.
Leighton: Don't you have some vacation days you can use?
Kirk: I am not sacrificing the bikini volleyball finals on Risa for this!

Kirk: I wonder... Computer, call up all available data on Kodos the Executioner and Anton Karidian.
Computer: That information is classified....
Kirk: What? I'm the captain!
Computer: ....as boring.
Kirk: Oh. Well, I'll read it later.

Martha: I'm glad you could make it to the dinner party, Jim. It does Tom good to see a friend.
Kirk: I doubt he can see me very well through that mask. What a drama queen. You're scarred, Tom, we get it already.
Martha: Oh look, there's Mr. Karidian's nubile young daughter Lenore. I'm sure he'd like you to meet her.
Kirk: Wow. Tom hasn't told you anything about me, has he?

Lenore: What a lovely evening for a walk! The sun is shining, the corpses are bleeding...
Kirk: Good Lord! It's Tom! And he's... he's... (pause) Kirk to McCoy.
McCoy: (over the comm) He's dead, Jim.
Lenore: Well-trained crew you have.

Martha: Poor Tom... but at least he's finally at peace. Though he'd be more at peace if someone avenged his death.
Leighton's Ghost: Revenge my foul and most unnatural murder! Mark me!
Kirk: I will, Tom! Nobody kills TJ Hooker's partner and gets away with it!
Leighton's Ghost: ...What?

Kirk: Uhura, put me through to the Astral Queen.
Uhura: (over the comm) Hailing frequencies open.
Kirk: Hey Jon, it's Jim Kirk. Would you do me a favour and strand the Karidian troupe on this planet?
Starfleet Admiral: (over the comm) So this is how you use your authority, is it, Kirk? We'll have a chat about this at your next review.
Kirk: I keep forgetting Uhura's out to get me.

Lenore: Oh, Captain Kirk, I know it's a lot to ask of a handsome man like you, but could you please give us a ride to our next destination?
Kirk: I think that can be arranged, miss. You'll find a selection of outfits in your quarters.
Spock: Even if I had emotions, I wouldn't like the looks of this. And where's that hissing noise coming from? Do we have a coolant leak or --
Yeoman Rand: Sorry.

Captain's Log: I face a dilemma. On the one hand, Karidian may well be Kodos. On the other hand, *yowza.*

Computer: ...Riley, Kevin; Kirk, James T. End of list.
Kirk: How many was that, nine? Out of 4000 survivors, only nine know what the head of their colony looked like? For that matter, in this age of surveillance and archiving, we don't have any videos to compare him to?
Computer: Don't blame me, I just work here.
Kirk: Hm. Riley, eh? Kirk to Spock: find some out-of-the-way job to transfer Lieutenant Riley to for a while.
Spock: (over the comm) Why? He's doing important work for the Initiative.
Kirk: Pfft, those guys wouldn't know him from Adam anyway.

Spock: The captain's behaviour concerns me. What do you suggest?
McCoy: Do what I do: drink your worries away.
Spock: No, I never acquired that habit. Liquids do not ferment on Vulcan.
McCoy: Wow. How is that possible?
Spock: It isn't, I was just seeing if you'd buy it.

Kirk: Enjoying the tour, my dear?
Lenore: Oh, Jim. Your ship is so long and manly!
Kirk: Uh...
Lenore: Why, it feels like it could burst forth with power at any moment!
Kirk: I'm going to kiss you now so you'll stop saying these things.

Spock: Computer, cross-reference and find any common links between the following people. Thomas Leighton... Anton Karidian... Kevin Riley... James T. Kirk... and what the heck, throw in Weird Al Yankovic.

Spock: Doctor, I believe I know who Karidian is. Are you familiar with Kodos the Executioner?
McCoy: I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that he killed people?
Spock: He was head of the Tarsus colony, and when food ran out, he executed the 4000 colonists he considered of least value. He must have used an unusual metric, since one of the victims was one of Starfleet's leading ling--
McCoy: That's not canon and you know it! You can't condemn a man based on Okudagrams!
Spock: Well, I also have reason to believe he was involved in the Santa Claus murder spree of Stardate 1238.2.

Riley: (over the comm) Bleah. Another rotten day in the life of Riley.
Sulu: Foiled again, eh? Here, Uhura's going to play a song to cheer you up.
Uhura: Eeeevery rose has its thorn... Just like every night has its dawn....
Riley: (over the comm) GAK!
Sulu: Good Lord! Uhura, you poisoned him!

Spock: You must save him, Doctor. The captain is the only other target.
McCoy: And here I thought I was supposed to save people whether they're useful or not.
Spock: A common mistake.

Captain's Log: We're all riley worried about Really. Wait....

Spock: Captain, despite your secrecy, you clearly believe Karidian is Kodos. I agree.
Kirk: I can't act until I have proof....
McCoy: Act? Don't you dare, Jim! If you kill him, you're just as bad as he is!
Kirk: Killing a murderer is equivalent to killing 4000 innocent people?
McCoy: Have you even read the moral high horse section of the Federation charter?

Spock: You have to face facts. Just because his daughter is --
Kirk: Shh! Do you hear something?
Spock: Always. It sounds like illogic.
Kirk: It's a phaser overloading! Go evacuate the deck! Then come back -- if I die, I'm taking you with me.

Spock: Jim! Did you --
Kirk: It's okay, I tossed it in the box. Prepare to throw ourselves against the wall... nnnow.
Spock: I withdraw my various criticisms of the boxes on the walls that vent things directly into space.
Kirk: About time.

Karidian: I know who you think I am, Captain, but I won't confirm your guess. I prefer to give no answer, confirming your guess.
Kirk: You'll do more than that! Read this speech into the microphone.
Karidian: Very well. "You four thousand have been chosen to" -- what in the world are you doing?
Kirk: (playing accordion) Spock says this will work better with polka music for some reason.

Lenore: That was cruel, Jim. My father is just a tired old man trying to forget the mistakes of his past.
Kirk: So wait, you know he's Kodos? Or is this kind of coy, keep-'em-guessing comment a Karidian family thing?
Lenore: In my case, it's a woman thing.

Medical Log: Riley is better, but I'm keeping him here in Sickbay so he won't find out Karidian is really Kodos.
Riley: (gasps, sneaks out)
I'm also keeping Sulu here so no one has to see his bare chest again.
Sulu: (gasps, takes off shirt)

Lenore: Tonight we will be presenting Hamlet since we've finally realized how creepy it is when my father and I play Macbeth and his wife. Please remain still even during the boring parts, and hold your applause for the shocking finale. You paid for the whole seat but you'll only need the edge!
Uhura: (What? That's highway robbery!)

Spock: As you can see, the voice prints match.
Kirk: Logic isn't enough, Spock! I have to feel it -- it has to have truthiness!
Spock: I can't believe your species isn't extinct yet.
McCoy: (over the comm) Jim, we've got trouble! Riley's loose!
Kirk: Uh oh. This time it'll be personal.

Riley: Don't stop me, Captain! Kodos deserves to die!
Kirk: Maybe so, but you can't descend to his level.
Riley: Why not?
Kirk: Because that's a raised stage. Now give me the gun. I promise I'll consider killing him myself.
Riley: Oh, fine. But you'd better consider good.

Karidian: I'm not sure I'm up to going back out there.
Lenore: Cheer up, father. Disregarding the fact that the Ghost isn't actually in any more scenes, I've been killing witnesses for you.
Karidian: WHAT? How could you?
Kirk: That's actually a good question. How did she arrange performances near all the witnesses? And how did she keep you from noticing the mysterious, convenient murders?
Lenore: And how did I grab this redshirt's phaser?
Kirk: Yeah! How did -- uh oh.

Karidian: Nooooooo! (dives in front of Kirk)
Lenore's Phaser: ZAP
Karidian: Symmetrism... forever... GAK!
Kirk: Oh, don't go all Reeves-Stevens on us.

Lenore: Father! NO! Oh, proud death! What feast is toward thy....
(13 hours later)
Lenore: ...Go, bid the soldiers shoot. (collapses)
Kirk: Wow. I've never seen the entire text of Hamlet squealed so eloquently.
Uhura: That's nice, but can we PLEASE go now?

Kirk: Poor Lenore. She was really ravin'.
McCoy: She'll be doing that nevermore. She has amnesia -- doesn't remember a thing.
Kirk: Well, she may have forgotten me, but I'll never forget her. (sigh) Sweet Lydia...
Spock: Her name was --
Kirk: I know Leah's name!
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 19, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Zeke.